The Memory of Fate (Book 4)

17. Weird Doesn't Matter

Patrick

"I'm really confused," I said as soon as Bennett and his mom? went into his room. I stared at his brother, noticing the slight resemblance between the two. "Why did she say she was Theresa's mom when she's not?"

"That's his dead name, isn't it?" Theresa asked, setting the bags she had still been holding onto the ground. "When we first met, he told me my name was one from his past. That makes so much sense now."

That confused me even more. I looked at her. "Dead name? What the hell does that mean?"

"It was the name he was given at birth," Bennett's brother - David - said.

I blinked. Once. Twice. "What?"

"He's transgender," David said. "He was born in a female body. Our mom still has a problem accepting that."

Woah. I felt like everything I knew about Bennett, which wasn't a whole lot to begin with, just crashed down around me.

"How did you not know this?" Theresa asked. "It's not like he's been keeping it a secret."

I shrugged. "I met him, like, four days ago. I guess it hasn't come up before."

At that moment, Bennett opened his door and called his brother in. David went, throwing me one more glance over his shoulder before closing the door behind him. What did I ever do to him?

"What's his deal?" I asked Theresa.

She shrugged. "Maybe Bennett really is mad at you and he told his brother. Even gay guys have to learn that unwelcome advances on someone isn't the way to get in their pants." With that, she picked up her bags again and headed straight into the kitchen.

Fuck. I can't win, can I? I didn't want him that way. At least, I don't want him now that I know he's not interested. I wasn't trying to get into his pants last night. I wasn't even trying to hit on him!

This is why I could never date someone. I can't properly explain myself to other people and show them my emotions. Shawn was easy. He wasn't very good at it either. Maybe that's why I fell so hard for him.

With a sigh, I headed into my own bedroom. The bare walls bore down on me. Judged me. Why did I ever think this was going to work? Moving in with two people I don't know? Hell, Bennett's the furthest thing from what I thought he was even ten minutes ago. What else didn't I know about my roommates?

I guess they could say the same thing about me. It's not like we've ever sat down and talked about ourselves. But that's the last thing I wanted to do - talk about myself. There are things about me that I didn't need anyone else to find out about.

Eventually, I wandered out of my empty room and sat down on the couch to watch some TV. It was still way too early to go out and I had nothing better to do anyway.

About halfway through some sci-fi movie, Bennett's mom and brother left. They all seemed a bit happier than they were earlier, so I guess that was a good thing. Maybe his good mood might help him not be not be mad at me anymore.

I waited a few minutes after he returned to his room to get up. I knocked on his door lightly, not sure what I was planning to say when he opened it.

"Yeah?" he asked, opening the door. "What's up?"

I blinked. "Uh, I don't know. I just..." I sighed. Why was this difficult? "I'm sorry, okay? About last night. I get it now that touching is off limits. I never meant for it to come off as any way other than friendly, okay?"

He gave me a small smile. "It's okay, Pat. I'm not mad at you."

"You're not?"

"No." He chuckled. "Honestly, it freaked me out because I have self-confidence issues. Having you touch me - or anyone, for that matter - weirds me out because I worry too much about what people think of me. I've come a long way from where I once was, but the only person who every really touched me like that was my ex, and I'm nowhere near over him."

I nodded. "Because you used to be a girl, right? You didn't like yourself back then?"

Bennett hesitated. Then he reached out and grabbed my hand and pulled me into his room. He sat on his bed and made me sit next to him, letting go of my hand as soon as we were sitting. I curled my hand into a fist and tucked it between my legs.

"I hated myself," he said, staring at the floor. "I didn't know what was wrong with me, only that something was. Once I figured out that I was trans, it still took me years to get to where I am now. And I'm still not where I want to be. I hate that, but I just need to keep going forward."

"I think you make a pretty great guy," I said. I uncurled my hand and rested it on the mattress between us. "Hell, I had no idea you haven't always been one until today."

He looked up at me with a small smile. "Really? You couldn't tell at all? I didn't know I was that passing."

I laughed. "Dude, I was so shocked when your brother told me earlier."

When he smiled wider, I wondered how I could still be attracted to him. I know he was a guy now, but he wasn't always one. This is the closest I've ever been to finding a girl attractive and it was weird. But I didn't care how weird it was.

I leaned forward enough to close the distance between us and pressed my lips against his.