The Memory of Fate (Book 4)

37. Downhill Spiral

Bennett

I can't say what Pat's dad said didn't hurt. Of course it hurt. But he's not the first person I've met who's said things like that to me.

I knew I wasn't going to have it easy being a trans man, even in this day and age. I wasn't hyper masculine and that confused people. It didn't help that my chosen career path is generally seen as a woman's activity.

So I knew where he was coming from. Pat, however, didn't see it that way.

He was pacing the basement, his plate of food having long since gone cold. "That fucking bastard," he was saying. "I hate him so much."

I didn't say anything. He hadn't listened to anything I've said for the last fifteen minutes, so why keep trying?

"He can't just say that to you," Pat continued. "How ignorant can he possibly be?"

I sighed, pushing my empty plate back from the edge of the small table I had been eating on. "Pat, stop for a second." To my surprise, he actually stopped pacing and looked at me. "Yeah, it sucks what he said, but it's not the end of the world, okay? I know he's your dad and everything, but didn't he take a while to accept you? Maybe we just have to give him time. He'll come around. And, if not, you can join me in the "unaccepting dad" club. At least you still have time for him to change. My dad died still hating me."

Pat walked over and sat down next to me. "I didn't know he died. I'm sorry."

I shook my head. "It's fine. I didn't know about it either until about two weeks after the funeral. My mom made David promise he wouldn't tell me because she thought I would show up and make a scene."

"Would you have?"

I shook my head. "I would have gone, that's for sure. Didn't mean I would had said anything to her. Or that any of my family aside from my brother would have recognized me."

Pat put his arms around me and kissed my cheek. "I'm sorry," he whispered against my skin.

I turned my head to kiss his lips. "Not your fault. But thank you."

I looked into his deep brown eyes. I still hadn't had that talk with him that I promised David a week ago I would. It was too difficult to bring up, especially when he looked at me like that. There was too much love there. I couldn't break his heart by telling him I wasn't sure if I really loved him back.

Pat took his arm from around me and sat back a bit. "I still can't believe my dad has an issue with you. You're perfect. Like, with me, I sort of understood. He didn't want to think that his son liked getting fucked up the ass. I never got around to telling him I only top before he gave up that idea."

"About that..." I started, knowing I probably wouldn't get a better opportunity to bring up my own desire to top. "Would you ever want to bottom?"

"What are you saying?"

"Well..." I looked down at the floor, my face heating up in a blush. "Never mind." It seemed stupid now, since he just told me he only tops. What was I thinking trying to be something I'm not?

Pat placed his hand on my cheek and lifted my face so that I was looking at him again. "You can tell me anything. If you want to top after your surgery, then yeah, of course you can."

I shook my head. "I have a toy that I'd really like to use. But if you don't want to, that's okay."

Suddenly the basement door creaked open. We both looked at the staircase, not wanting the interruption.

"Patrick, honey?" his mom called down. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

He let out a frustrated groan. "No. Bennett and I are having sex. Don't come down here."

I hit his arm. "Liar."

In response, he shoved his hand down the front of my pants. I gasped and pulled it out.

"You can come down, Mrs. Crawford!" I shouted. "We're not doing anything." Pat gave me a look and I shrugged. "What? You should talk to her."

She came down the stairs slowly. When she saw us just sitting on the couch, she smiled. "Thank you, Bennett. Pat, I really need to talk to you. Just for a minute."

I nudged his shoulder. Obviously whatever she had to say, it was pretty important.

Pat put his arm around my shoulders. "Whatever it is, you can say it in front of Bennett."

She glanced at me and I couldn't read her expression. I wanted to know what she was thinking. Maybe what she had to say had to do with me. Eventually, she sighed. "Okay." She looked back at Pat. "Honey, this isn't easy to say and I wish it weren't the case, but..." She let out another sigh. "But your father and I are going to get a divorce."

Pat barely reacted at all. "Okay," he said.

"Bennett," Mrs. Crawford said, looking at me once again. "Please know that this has nothing to do with what Howard said to you earlier. This is long overdue. And I am truly sorry for the way he acted towards you. You are more than welcome in my home."

I gave her a small smile. "Thank you. I appreciate that."

I did appreciate her efforts. Despite all the anger between her husband and her son right now, she was here trying to make sure I didn't feel guilty for ruining her marriage.

Except I did still feel guilty. I have nothing but harm this family from the moment I agreed to date Pat. Maybe even from the day Pat moved in with me. Without me, Pat wouldn't have fallen in love with me and I wouldn't have accidentally caused him to have a full mental breakdown and I wouldn't have to bring out the transphobic side of his father, ruining his parents' marriage. Pat would have been better off without ever meeting me.

His mother soon left us alone, since Pat seemed to not want to say anything else to her on the subject. I didn't blame him. He hadn't told me that there was any indication of their marriage falling apart before. This must have been a big shock to him.

Pat buried his face into my neck once the basement door closed behind his mother, his arms wrapped around my body. He didn't say anything, so I didn't either. I just hugged him back, wondering if I could ever live up to who Pat thinks I am.