The Memory of Fate (Book 4)

29. Devastated

Patrick

A/N: I want to put this here just in case, but here's a trigger warning for this chapter. Pat's suicidal thoughts come back.

He stared at me, his eyes wide. "What?"

I shook my head, sitting up. Obviously I shouldn't have said that, but I wanted him to know. I had such strong feelings for him. I've never felt anything like that.

"Pat, we've been dating for less than twenty-four hours. We've known each other for barely a month. How can you say that?"

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I didn't know how to explain myself to him. I felt like anything I could say would make the situation worse.

Bennett shook his head and slid out from under the blanket. "I have to shower before work. If you want to go back to sleep, you can stay in my bed." Then he pulled a pair of shorts on and walked out of the room.

I wanted to apologize. To take back those words so that he wouldn't be mad. I didn't even know if he was actually mad. He wasn't happy about it, that's for sure, but mad might have been a bit of a stretch. At least, I really hoped he wasn't mad at me.

I was still sitting in the same spot on his bed when he came back in. He was showered and dressed, with a half-eaten protein bar in his hand. He barely looked at me as he grabbed his shoes and hurried back out of the room.

I shot out of the bed and ran after him. "Bennett, please." I ran around him, blocking the door so he couldn't leave. "I know it's super early for me to even be thinking about it, but it's true, okay? I'm falling in love with you, Bennett, and I don't want to keep those feelings from you. Just please don't be mad at me."

He sighed. "Pat, I'm sorry, but this isn't the time to talk, okay? I'm going to be late for work if I don't leave right now."

Before I could say anything else, he pushed passed me and out into the hallway. He let the door slam shut behind him.

I sighed, leaning up against the door. I fucked up. I never should have said anything and now he really is mad. This is why I didn't date. Feelings always got in the way and ruined things.

I was still standing there when Theresa walked out of her room a few minutes later. When she stopped in the doorway, staring at me, I remembered that I still hadn't put any clothes on. I was standing in front of her naked, but I couldn't seem to care. Not when I had just had my heart broken again.

"Pat..." I slowly brought my gaze to meet hers. "I don't know what you're doing and, frankly, I don't want to know. But please, for the love of God, put some clothes on."

I nodded, feeling like I was in a daze. Nothing made sense anymore. I put my heart on the line again, only to have it shot down. I was never going to find real happiness.

"Pat! Did you hear anything I just said?"

Shaking my head, I pushed myself off the door. "I'm sorry. I'm going."

Once I got into my bedroom, I didn't know what to do. I sat on my bed, still naked. What was the point of getting dressed? What was the point of anything anymore?

I don't know how long I sat there before I pulled on a pair of sweatpants. I needed my phone, but I left that in Bennett's room. And Theresa was probably still here, so I didn't need her getting mad at me for not putting clothes on.

Of course, I didn't see her at all in my quick trip to Bennett's room and back. It was probably a good thing anyway. I didn't need her asking questions when I didn't want to talk to her about it. She was better friends with Bennett than me. I wasn't about to make her choose his side before he can tell her what happened.

Back in my room, I sat on my bed. I pulled up the one contact I thought I would never use and called him.

He answered after only a few rings. "Pat? Is everything okay? What's up?"

"Hi, Shawn." I sighed. "I... I don't know why I called you. I think I just need to talk to someone."

"What's wrong?"

I hesitated before answering, trying to find the right words. "I don't love you."

He let out a dry chuckle. "Thanks, Pat. That's exactly what I needed to hear two weeks before I marry Andy. My ex isn't still in love with me. I thought we got past that a long time ago, but it's good to know, I guess."

I shook my head. "That's not what I meant. I meant I don't know if I ever really loved you." I sighed. "Shawn... what I'm trying to say is that I get it now. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did after we broke up because I didn't know what I was feeling. I think I actually found someone I love and it feels nothing like what I felt for you."

"That's great, Pat. I'm so happy for you."

I shook my head again. "But since I know this is real, the pain of him not loving me back is so much worse than the pain of losing you."

I quickly hung up the phone before he could say anything and fumbled for a box I kept under my bed. I knew it was under there, but my hands were shaking so badly, I had trouble grabbing onto it.

When I pulled the box out, I lifted the lid. Inside were a few items that I never expected to want to see again. But that didn't mean I was able to throw them out yet. The pain was never fully gone to be free from their hold, even hidden away like this.

I ran my fingers over the blade of the knife. The sharp metal was cool against my skin, begging to be warmed. But I moved past it, needing something bigger this time around.

The small handgun that laid next to it was the perfect size. Three bullets sat next to it, not like I would need all three. It was good to have a couple extras though, just in case. I took the gun and the bullets from my dad's fun collection a few years ago, right before he locked them all away for my protection. He never noticed it was missing, or if he did, he never said anything about it.

Bennett meant everything to me. I didn't need more time to figure that out. I already knew. But watching him walk out of the apartment this morning tore a hole in my heart larger than any hole the gun could cause.

I picked up the bullets one by one and loaded them into the gun. I knew I wasn't going to miss, but I couldn't be too careful.

With the gun loaded, I picked my phone back up. There were three missed calls from Shawn and one from Andy. I ignored all of them, opening up a new message to Kat. She was the only one I needed to say goodbye to. She was the one that cared the most.

I typed with shaking fingers: I love you. And tell baby Ellie when she's older that I love her too. Goodbye. I hit send.

There was nothing left to do but end it all.