The Passage (h.s)

Chapter Twenty-Six

***Warning adult content. Not recommended for young readers. Another note, if you don't like it don't read it. Just move along. For the rest of you, enjoy the rebooted version of this chapter***

In the last few days Harry has become incredibly agitated. His body looks frail, his eyes always heavy, and the shine within his gaze which was once ever present is gone. I can't shake the guilt I feel knowing that I've caused his light to extinguish.

It makes me question whether I have any right to be a part of his life. Do I really deserve the crowned role of being his girlfriend. Let's be honest, this is highly desired position. I have so many questions, however, there's no doubt he's dedicated to me no matter what price he has to pay.

I'm not gonna lie, except for the girls, the only thing that matters to me right now is his happiness. Is it fair of me to take away what he so undeniably is dedicated to, three people he would move heaven and earth for? I don't think I can do that. I've never been so torn in my life. And that's saying something considering I've had to make some seriously difficult decisions in my short 28 years of life.

Asking someone to endure the sleepless nights to care for me isn't fair either. No matter how much healing I do the nightmares never stop, I don't think they ever will. Every terrifying night I physically hurt, Harry, myself, or both of us. It pains me every time I see the bruises and scratches on his body. He doesn't deserve this, and he most definitely didn't sign up for this either.

There's a constant battle in my mind. Should I leave him and let it hurt us both for a short while, or be selfish and continue to make him suffer right along with me? It's hard to separate the definitions a what a relationship should look like. Aren't two people who love each other supposed to give and take, and offer unwavering support through the good and bad times? Because that's what Harry has taught me. James poisoned my head into thinking otherwise, it's no easy task to rid myself of his sick and twisted ideas of what love should look like.

There's so much more to be considered; most importantly, Lark and Lily. They're undeniably connected to him; they love and depend on him. He's stronger that I am, and they need his support on the days I have nothing to give. I've been selfish by putting the parental burden on him when they aren't even his biological children. Regardless, day by day he gladly cares for my two beautiful daughters.

Despite of my heavy conscience I'm beginning to see that the pros of staying together outweigh the cons. But I'm going to have to get my shit together. I won't let him do this alone anymore. It's running him ragged, he's exhausted, and most definitely in serious emotional pain. I love him too much to allow this to continue, I've hit rock bottom. And if I haven't, I'm damn near close to it.

***

"Please no, I can't breathe. You're hurting me James."

I'm screaming at the top of my lungs; my throat burns like I've torn my vocal cords because of my desperate cries for help. I know I'm in a dream, yet I can't separate reality from my tortured mind's constant reel of terror. It's like a horror movie running through my brain, it repeats every night, the way an old-time cinema replays the same show night after night. With the hopes of filling the theater, yet only one patron attends. I'm always sitting in this theater alone.

I claw at my throat trying to release James' grip. If I had to guess I'm most likely leaving talon like claw marks on my skin. As with the other haunting nights, all my attempts at freedom are useless.

I need to wake the fuck up, Harry is desperately trying to keep me from injuring myself. In my state of unconsciousness, I get confused. And as always, I fight him as if James is the one holding me captive. My adrenaline is pumping fiercely through my veins. This is a perfect example why humans are born with a built-in fight or flight response. Without it they'd never sense danger, unaware of the need to protect themselves.