just a dream (camren)

forty six

July 17th, 2017

Camila sighs, squeezing her eyes shut and pulling the covers over her head. She rubs at her temples, trying to will the headache away, but she knows it's useless. She knows it's not worth trying.

The headaches after her panic attacks are always the worst. It's like all of her angry, upsetting thoughts are pressing against the inside of her skull, and there's nothing she can do but focus on them, and focus on how shitty she feels. How ashamed she is, because she can't just keep it together. She has to freak out every time she gets overwhelmed.

The panic attacks had been more frequent, but the recent one was the biggest. The one she had this morning was the worst, and it felt like it had been building for days. She knows she'd had the worst couple days, because she'd been cutting herself off from everyone. Dinah understands that when she gets like this, she needs space, but Lauren...

Lauren hadn't stopped texting, and Camila can't understand why.

Why would someone like Lauren Jauregui want to spend time with someone like Camila? Obviously, it's all just a long, elaborate senior prank, and when she gets back to school, everyone will be laughing at her. She can't believe she's ever let herself relax around Lauren. How could she have been so stupid?

Nobody would want to date Camila. Obviously. She's been an idiot to believe otherwise.

She sighs, and grabs Lauren's softball jersey from over on the chair where she keeps all of her clothes. She takes her t-shirt off and pulls the jersey on, pulling up the collar and taking in Lauren's scent. It's crazy, how it comforts her, when Lauren makes her so nervous.

It's not a practical joke. Lauren genuinely likes you, Camila tries to tell herself. She's not messing with your head.

Oh, really? The anxiety pitches in. Are you sure about that? She's Lauren Jauregui. She's popular and smart and beautiful and she was a star athlete and you're awkward and weird and not at all pretty. Why would she want you?

Camila squeezes her eyes shut, trying to hold in her tears. She sighs, her chest feeling empty, and she knows she has to break up with Lauren. She can't do this. She can't. Lauren doesn't really like her.

She'd been avoiding Lauren's calls and texts for days, in the hope that she'll just stop trying, but she doesn't. No matter what, she sends Camila texts in the morning, wishing her a good day and offering to come and see her. On a night, Camila gets a goodnight text, wishing her a good night's sleep. The part of her that knows Lauren cares is touched, but her anxiety is way too prominent. She's so close to convincing herself that she's right, that it's all a joke, but part of her knows it's not. And even that's terrifying, because she doesn't understand why. Why does Lauren care?

Camila bundles under her blanket again and cuddles her stuffed animal, Ifos, to her chest. She sighs, resting her head against her pillow and closing her eyes, knowing that she'll need to sleep to get rid of this fucking headache, but she can't sleep because of it. She feels like she's being repeatedly hit on the head with a brick.

When her bedroom door opens, she groans, pulling her covers over her head. "Mami, can you get me a Tylenol, please?"

"Wow, no need to call me mami," Lauren announces, and Camila's heart starts racing in her chest. "I do have a Tylenol for you, though."

Her bed sinks, and Camila buries her face into her pillow. She feels her anxiety rising again, and she knows it's not good for her that Lauren's here. The only time she's ever calm around Lauren is when she forgets she's Lauren, which sounds dumb. It's when Camila forgets herself; when she's not thinking.