Not how it was planned - Sequel

21. Wishing for change

To my surprise Harry and Niall went to their room, and Anna and I went to ours. As we stepped in I could really feel how tired I was.

“Why did you do that?” Anna asked as she slammed the door. I sighed heavily and sat down on my bed.

“Do what?” I asked tiredly.

“You know damn well what! Why are you so determined on hurting him?” She asked and for the first time we got on this trip she was the one pissed off, not me.

“I wouldn’t have to hurt him, if you would just back the fuck off!” I said and instantly got just as pissed off as she was.

“If you didn’t notice Niall and me, did nothing today. You’re just saying that we did so you don’t have to confront your own feelings,”

“What? Excuse me but when you and Niall are making out half of the time, and none of the others could come, what do you expect to happen?” I asked furiously. For a moment I thought she was going to explode, but luckily she didn’t. She just threw her hands up in anger.

“What’s up with you being so pissed off about me and Niall?! Have you never heard of being happy for your friends?” she asked.

“It’s not about that,” I said feeling myself changing from angry to upset. We never used to fight like this, and now it felt like we fought like this every day.

“That’s exactly what this is about. I have never been happier, and I’m crazy about him, and all you do is mope around and complain about it,” she said. “For one fucking moment, couldn’t you just be happy for me? Does it always has to be all about you?” she asked and her voice changed from angry to really really hurt, which was ten times worse.

I suddenly got a strange feeling. Fear, fear of losing our friendship, and a fear of losing her.

“I… I’m just…” I started but there was a lump that was growing bigger by the second that made it difficult to find the words.

“You…?”

“I’m jealous, okay? Not because he’s stealing you, but of your love! When I watch you two, I can’t help but think that I will never find the same, that I’ll never find true love…” I said and looked at my feet. “That I’m going to grow old alone and live with cats…” I silently added.

I was so caught up in my own misery that I was surprised when I discovered that Anna was sitting next to me.

“Oh honey…” she said while stroking my hair. “You will find it, I promise,” she said with a soothing voice.

“I’m sorry…” I mumbled as the tears silently escaped my eyes. “I’m so sorry,” I said again with a shaky voice.

Even though I was pretty upset at the moment I could feel that our friendship was still there. Underneath all of the fighting it was still there. Strong and untouched by all the drama.

“I need some air,” I said quietly breaking out of her grip.

“Are you sure?” she asked. I nodded silently and went out.

Somehow the fresh air calmed me down. I was very conflicted about how I felt in this moment. A part of me was glad that I had figured out things with my bestfriend, but there were a lot of other thoughts that swirled around in my mind as well.

After a lot of thinking I finally felt a lit better, and since it already had gotten dark outside I decided to head to my room.

At first when I got to the door I thought I’d lost my key, but fortunately I found it in my pocket. I silently locked the door up, and went in.

I only went a few steps before something stopped me completely. Because where I was expecting so see Anna sit, there was something completely else.

Not only were Anna there, but Niall was as well. Not just sitting there, but on top of Anna, half naked. It took me some seconds to digest what I was looking at.

“Oh my god!” I said and turned around and ran out the door. As the door shut I felt my eyes loosing sight. They’re burning! I’m never going to see again! I panicked for a second, but quickly discovered that I was just closing my eyes.

“Ew,” I mumbled as I decided to go to the pool. I was definitively not going in there again until I knew it was clear. I was probably scarred for life…

What made me feel at little better was the soft summer breeze, and the stars that were shining brightly on the black sky. The mild breeze softly swept a curl away from my face. The pool was lightened up which created a mood that I couldn’t quite put my finger at.

I sat down and gently dipped my feet down in the pool. The cold water surrounded them, but I got used to the temperature quickly. I would have said that I felt great in that moment, but when I looked around I couldn’t help but feeling a bit lonely.

It was completely empty, and the only sound was the water lowly rippling as I moved my feet around. I kind of enjoyed the silence, but not what the silence meant.

The silence meant that I was alone, that no one was around. Through my life I had rarely felt lonely, but now I was filled with it. Of course from time to time I’d felt a little alone, but never like this. Right now it seemed like I was alone against the world. With no one by my side.

The feeling of not being someone’s number one can be harsher than you usually think. Especially when you had a number one, but lost it.

There are just certain times, when everyone seems to be in another place than you. Like you’re detached from the rest of the world. When you feel like there is no one feeling like you. That feeling that just keeps on telling you that you’re alone. That no one truly cares. Of course, deep down I knew there was plenty that cared about me, but not in the way I needed. Not the way I desperately needed in the moment.

Suddenly feeling lonely didn’t even begin to describe what I felt at the moment.

Disconnected, and confused were the words to describe my feelings. Disconnected from rest of the world, and confused about everything else. Tears started building up in my eyes. Stop it, it’s awkward to cry when you’re all alone, I desperately tried to tell my self, but my eyes wouldn’t listen.

Almost without a sound I sniffled and for a moment I felt hopeless. Empty and cold, maybe even numb. I rested my head in my hands that was carefully placed on my thighs.

“Monica?” a raspy voice said behind me. His voice was so low, it would have been hard to hear it, but in the silence it sounded loud. I turned my head around and found him standing right behind me. Read circles surrounding his eyes and messy curls that were in front of half his face. His hands was carefully placed in his pockets, while he was standing tensed looking me straight in my eyes. I could see his lower lip trembling as he opened his mouth to say anything more, but it seemed like the words wouldn’t quite come as he planned.

I watched him slowly close his mouth again, and press his lips tightly together like he was afraid of saying something wrong. Like he was afraid to open his mouth again, because he was afraid of what might come. Without a sound he lifted one of his hands out of the pocket and slowly pulled his fingers through his hair. His fingers lingered at the tip of his hair for a small second before going down to the pocket.

“Harry…”

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Writers note: Found out that calling myself an author was maybe taking it a bit far soo I changed it :) Well, to the point.
I worked really hard on this part, or at least at the last bit of it so I hope you like it. And I really hope that you would take the time commenting, that gives me a lot of inspiration and I like to know that you're out there :)
Back to the point, I hope you liked it! What do you think will happen now? :) xx
Love you guys!