Not how it was planned - Sequel

22. Desperately trying to avoid what's unsaid

”Did you get thrown out of your room as well?” He asked me quietly as he sat down beside me. Gently, almost without a sound, he took his feet down in the pool beside mine. Without meeting his face I nodded.

“Wait, but how can you get thrown out of your room I thought you were sharing with Niall? And Niall is in my room with Anna,” I said confused.

“Well at first yes, but at first the only couple who shared room were Zayn and Perrie. So Liam and Louis were sharing a room, and Danielle and Eleanor were sharing a room, but then suddenly everyone just changed their rooms. So Louis and Eleanor are at mine and Niall’s room, and the others I have no idea, kind of confusing,” he said tiredly.

“But shouldn’t there be one available room then?” I asked still not getting this. It was way too complicated.

“Yeah, but I’m not going to search through every room to find it out, because who knows what I’m going to find,” he said and gave me a halfhearted smile.

We both became silent again.

“Can I ask you something?” His raspy voice almost sounded nervous.

“It’s a free country,” I said and shifted uncomfortably.

“Where do we stand right now?” he asked and I could feel his eyes staring intensely at me.

“I believe we’re sitting,” I answered with my eyes locked on the edge on the other side of the pool.

“Have you forgiven me?” he asked and I could hear his voice shaking. Determined that I wasn’t going to look at his broken eyes I started looking at my feet in stead.

“It’s not about forgiveness,”

“Are you giving me a new chance?” he asked and I could hear hope in his voice.

“We’re friends Harry, you can’t ask more of me,” I said struggling hard to keep myself under control. The truth was that I wanted to break down, break down in tears. Make him comfort me; make him tell me it was all going to be alright.

“Please, Monica,” He begged. The hurt in his voice almost made me give in; there was something inside screaming for me to comfort him. I knew I couldn’t trust my voice so I just shook my head slowly.

“I don’t want to be your friend; I want to be your boyfriend!” He said with a new strength in his voice. Where did he get his strength from? He had put his heart out there so many times, and I kept on hurting him, but for some reason he continued without even blinking.

“I can’t Harry,” I said finally trusting my voice not to burst into a cry. “I’m sorry,” I added silently.

This was normally a natural time to leave, but Harry didn’t get that. He just silently sat beside me while staring at the water.

The silence was so filled with hurt and disappointment. My fingers were shaking uncontrollably as I tampered with a little curl that had broken loose from the rest of my hair. For some reason I was so nervous, like I was afraid for letting my self giving in to him.

It just seemed like the easiest thing to do right now, it would make Harry happy, it would make all the pain go away.

Honestly I hated hurting Harry, I really did want him to be happy, but my heart was just off limits.

I had no idea for how long we just sat there, in complete silent.

“Monica?”

“Yes?”

“Do you ever wonder what could have been?” his low voice asked silently. For the first time since he sat down I looked at him. My confused green eyes met his.

“Like, if I didn’t sleep with Charlotte or…” he started asking but his voice trailed of.

“Or if you had asked me to stay,” I finished. There was a spark of hurt in his eyes as I said the words. For a moment I wanted to lie, just to spare him from the pain I knew the truth would cause him, but in this exact moment I didn’t have it in me to lie to him. I took a deep breath before daring to look in his eyes again. They were not surprisingly filled with tears. My eyes immediately watered up as well.

“Every day,” I admitted silently.

As I said the words I could feel Harry struggling to stay calm. I was expecting him to get up, but he sat there.

Silence, excruciating silence. I wanted so badly to break it. To make it all okay. I wanted to tell him something that could make him happy, that would stop his hurting. Something that would make it all okay. I wanted to tell him that I was sorry that I wasn’t able to forget. That he meant the world to me, and that no one else had ever made me feel the way that he did.

But I couldn’t. It was like my mouth wasn’t a part of the rest of the body, it refused to listen. All I wanted to do or say didn’t matter, because I wasn’t going to do it. All I was going to do was sit there, in the excruciating silence staring in front of me with eyes glittered by tears.

So there we both sat, silent and in tears. The cold summer breeze that earlier had felt good, now just gave me chills and made me cold. Funny how fast things can change from kind and warm, to harsh and cold.

Suddenly I discovered that Harry was looking at me instead of at his feet like before. To my surprise he started taking of his jacket. I was about to protest when I figured out what he was about to do, but the determined look in his eyes made me keep my mouth shut.

Gently he laid the jacket on my shoulders, and I instantly felt the warmth from the jacket. At this point my whole inside was breaking up in tears, but on the outside I held it together. Crying out loud would just make everything worse at this point.

His fingers lingered one second longer than necessary before he pulled his arms back.

 “So where do we go from here?” Harry asked with a voice that easily could break in any second. I took a small moment to think through my answer.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I said silently.

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Writers note: Soooo, what do you think? Did you like it? Tell me if you did :D

Aand, I thought I might inform you that we're getting closer to the end of the sequel now :) But there are some serious drama left ;)

Love you all! xx