Louder Than Love || Chris Cornell

Without You, I'm Nothing

Seattle Washington,
February 5, 1991

"Andi... are you in tomorrow?" Nancy asks as she cashes out the register.
"No... but I'm in on Wednesday," I say as I hang the last shirt up on the rack. It was a really slow night. Not a single person came in the store my whole shift.

"Alright... well I was wondering if maybe you would want to take the day off on Wednesday as well?" She says as she pulls the cash out of the drawer and begins counting. I look up at her a little worried. She normally wants me to pick up shifts, this is different.

"Um...ok... sure..." I say confused.
"Andi.... I'm not firing you... it's just we've been really slow the last little bit and even counting this out, we didn't even make 1 thousand for the night..." She says as she looks at me and tries to reassure me that everything is fine.

"Um... ok yea that's cool... I get it," I say disappointingly as I walk to the back of the register to grab my leather jacket.
"Andi... trust me, it's only Wednesday...I know you're back in on Monday next week and I'm not cutting that shift so don't worry..."Nancy says as she continues to count out the cash.

"Ok...I'll see you Monday," I say sadly as I walk around the counter. I can feel her looking at me feeling bad but I could really care less at this point. I didn't even want to come in tonight so it doesn't really matter.

"Andi...hey," She says concerned and I turn to face her.

"Monday?" She reassures me.
"Monday," I say and turn to head out the door.

I walk outside and it starts to rain. I completely forgot to bring anything with me to shield myself from the water and I didn't even have enough change for the bus so I lifted my jacket over my head as best I could to help but it was no use. Within 2 blocks I was soaked.

"Fuck this day.... fucking fuck!" I exclaim to myself as I continue my way down the sidewalk.  Ever since Eddie kissed me, I can't stop thinking about it. The while situation is just messed up. I've messed it up. Everything that I'm feeling is just all my fault. I'm ruining everything I ever wanted all because I have no idea how to face the fact that my mom is dying and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

As I get up to the next block, a car speeds by causing a wave of water to completely cover me even more and I scream out in frustration and start to cry. At least the rain is able to hide the tears streaming down my face. I let down my jacket as there really is no point, I was soaked to the bone and just wanted to get home, dry myself off and cry in my bed.

I cross my arms in front of my chest and continue on up the sidewalk when I see a pickup truck heading down the street towards me. I move out of the way so that I don't get splashed again, and the truck pulls up to the curb beside me.

"Andi...!"
I look at the driver and it's Chris. My heart almost fell out of me on to the wet ground. He jumps out of the truck and walks around the front to get to me. He looked so beautiful walking up to me with his piercing blue eyes and his perfectly trimmed beard. He was instantly soaked from the pouring rain.

" Chris...- ?" I say as he steps closer, and all I wanted to do was fall into his arms.
"Tell me what I did..."
"What?" I say loudly over the sound of the rain.
"What did I do for you to shut me out the way you did?" He says frustrated looking at me almost angered.  His eyes so intense and full of confusion and frustration from what I caused is hard for me to bare. I stand in front of him and I have no idea what to say. I don't know how to tell him that I hate the way I feel. I don't know how to say that I can't feel anything, that I'm just completely numb, and there is no way I'm telling him about Eddie.

"Chris -"
"Look, I know you're hurting and I know the darkness you feel inside... I've felt that same way but I wanted you with me while I went through that... why are you pushing me away? I fucking miss you... I want to be there for you like you were there for me when Andy died," He looks at me with his intense blue eyes, his form taking on a serious tone, he fights for me and I just keep pushing him away.