Louder Than Love || Chris Cornell

The Day I Tried To Live

Seattle Washington,
November 2, 1990

As I walk out of the pub and leave Kim with his friends, I head to work hoping Nancy wouldn't notice the smell of beer I felt like I had. I mean she shouldn't care, she's come in hungover more times than I can count and she's the owner. I really didn't want to go to work. I just wanted to stay home and lay in bed and not think or feel anything, but the only thing I know how to do is just work and shove everything down inside me.

I arrive at work and immediately head downstairs to grab the new arrivals to bring them upstairs to set out on the rack.
"Andi... hi," Nancy says as I walk by her office.
"Oh... hey," I say as I stop for a second to poke my head in and then turned to head upstairs
"Andi... wait a minute..." She calls back. I turn back and stand at the office door.
"Yea?" I ask worried.
"I thought you had tonight off?" She says. I honestly couldn't remember what day I was supposed to work or not.

"Um... did I?" I say awkwardly.
"It's marked right here," She says as she points to the schedule.
"Oh... um... ok well I can just go..." I say as I turn to put the box down.
"Andi it's fine you can work tonight if you need to but... are you ok...? You just seem... a little..." She trails off.
"Off...?" I say.
"Well... yea... is everything alright...?" She asks.
I wanted to let everything out. I wanted to crawl into a corner and cry and never come out.

"Yea... yea I'm ok," I lie. She looks at me and I dart my eyes away from her. I don't want her to know what's going on. She doesn't need to know. I can handle it, I just need to get myself together.
"Alright... well if you need anything just let me know..." She says after a few minutes and I offer a quick smile and then pick up the box of shirts and head upstairs.

•••

After my short shift was done I immediately head straight home. I had enough change left over for the bus which was amazing. I really didn't want to walk the 10 blocks home.

I arrive back at home and head into the kitchen to pour myself a drink. I had just enough whiskey left for 1 drink and so I poured myself one. Just one drink is all I need just to take the edge off a little bit. As I sip the whiskey slowly I turn around and see a message flashing on the answering machine. It's probably my mom, she always leaves the funniest messages sometimes.

I walk over and press the play button and listen to the message.
"Andi... it's me... Chris... uh... I was just calling you to... oh fuck... I never know how to leave a message on these things... call me if you want... I'll be home... I miss you..."
The tape stops but I just decide to turn down the volume. I don't want to talk right now. I just want to be alone with my drink where I don't have to feel like I'm loosing everything.

I head into the living room and put on Type O Negative's Bloody Kisses Album. I turn up the stereo, reposition the speakers to face me better then set my drink down on the coffee table and lay down on the floor, feeling the music through my body, loosing myself in another world by forgetting all the bad that is in this one.