Louder Than Love || Chris Cornell

See How This Love Stays Divine

Landgraaf, Netherlands June 9 1992

A few hours later I wake up to hear Chris and the guys laughing with the occasional guitar riff being strummed in the next room. I look over at the clock on the beside table to see it was 2:00am. I can't believe he still hasn't come to bed yet. I wasn't sure if I should get up and join them or what to do. I don't want to be like a mother and call him to come to bed because that's not who I am, but I want him here with me, even if he is mad at me. Ugh, I'm so conflicted, and I have to pee. Why does the bathroom have to be in the other room? I decide to turn the light on, squinting my eyes from the burning light and get up from the bed, grab a pair of my black yoga pants with a black plain black tank top, throw my hair up and knock on the dividing door to the next room.

"It's ok Andi... come in," Kim calls cheerfully but drunk from the other side. I walk in and see the guys all glance in my direction.
"Sorry.. I didn't mean to interrupt, I just had to uh... use the washroom," I say a little timidly.
"That's ok... what are we going to say? No, you have to pee in your room...?" Kim chuckles and they all laugh quietly together.

"Very funny," I smirk. Chris lands his eyes on me, randomly plucking the strings of his acoustic guitar, as I walk through their circle and head to the bathroom.  After a few minutes I come out of the bathroom and Chris's eyes glance back to me again. This time his expression is relaxed and he's seemingly not as angered as before.

"Andi... have a drink? I have beer... want a beer?" Kim slurs.
"No, I'm ok... I'm just going to go back to bed," I say and Kim gives me a puppy face.
"Not even just one drink?" Kim says. I glace over at Chris and he just gives me a shrug.
"No... I'm good... but have a drink for me though," I say and Kim just smiles at me.
"Alright... don't mind if I do," Kim says and cracks open the next one that was sitting beside his chair. I smile at him and shake my head while Matt and Ben chuckle and I head back to the room. 

I softly close the door behind me and as I make my way back to the bed to take off my shirt and pants, I hear the door open. I turn back and see Chris coming into the room.
"Hi, baby," He says softly which made my heart skip a beat. He closes the door, his blue eyes land on me as he flips his curls out of his face.
"Hey," I say softly.
"We didn't wake you up did we?" Chris asks as he moves over to me.
"No, no I just... had to pee," I lie. I wasn't going to tell him that they did wake me. It's not a big deal anyways.

He glances over my body for a moment and then back to my eyes. He then reaches out to me, cups my face in his palm and brushes my cheek with his thumb. I close my eyes, my heart beginning to race from his touch. This is what I longed for all night long.

"I'm so sorry Chris..." I say quietly reaching up to place my hand over his, but keeping my eyes closed.
"I know baby," He says quietly as he looks at me. I suddenly feel the tears bubbling to the surface again, my brow furrows and a can feel that lump in my throat returning.

"I was so stupid...and confused... I never meant to hurt you - "

"Shhhhh... it's ok," He hushes me. I open my eyes with tears still gently falling down and he brushes away a tear with his thumb. He draws me into him, resting my face against his warm chest as he wraps his arms around me in a warm hug.

"You weren't stupid... don't ever say that... I just wish you would've told me..." Chris says as he holds me to him.

"I wish I did to... but I didn't know how... I didn't want... you... to hate me," I cry softly.
"Baby, I would never hate you.... I'd be a little upset but I wouldn't hate you.... but I know you would never do anything ... I was just mad because you never told me...and it brought back all shit I went through with Susan... " Chris says as he still holds me.
"I just want to go back in time and fix it..." I cry as he reaches up and brushes away my tears.

"I know..."

"I want to go back and fix everything... make it so that I never lied to you and make it that I could've just told you what I was going through from the beginning... make it so my mom never got sick... make it so... I could save her, " I start to sob uncontrollably as Chris holds me in his arms. It had been so long since I let out a cry over my mom. I miss her every fucking day and just as soon as I think I'm ok, I am pulled back to the day I watched her die. As I sob, just letting it all go, I can hear Chris's heart begin to beat a little faster.

After a few moments of sobbing, I am able to pull myself away from him for a moment and wipe my tears as he presses his lips to my forehead.

"I'm sorry... I wasn't planning on crying like that," I say groggily as he pulls me back to him and wraps his arms around me and I place my hands on his chest, feeling him flex a little through his white tank.
"It's ok baby," He says with his lips still pressed against my forehead.

"I also need to tell you that... Since the tour started... Axl has been like... really flirting with me..." I say after a few moments of silence between us. I hear him sigh though he keeps his lips pressed to my forehead.

"I know..." Chris says against my forehead.

"I just want you to know that, I never reciprocated anything.... I didn't even really think anything of it at first but now it's making me feel weird... like he's doing it when you're not looking or something... but... wait... you know?" I explain trying to stop myself from crying, and then realize what he just said.

"Yea... I know... but I already had a little chat with him about it... so..." Chris says almost annoyed at the fact that Axl made me uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry..." I say quietly.

"It's ok baby..." Chris replies soothingly 

"I don't deserve you at all..." I say quietly.

"Shhhh...yes you do," He hushes me again as I close my eyes. His lips move from my forehead, to my temple then to my earlobe, softly kissing, sending shivers all over my body. his lips softly trail down to my neck, his beard tickling me in the most perfect way, feeling the slight stubble on his cheek. He breaks his lips away from me and cups my face in his palms, then slowly leans back down into me and presses his lips to mine.

The feeling of his kiss sends shock waves of shivers all over my entire body. As he swipes his tongue across my bottom lip, I can't help but suck his beautiful, full bottom lip. Our lips melt together as one, feeling the passion between us. He then breaks away, pulling his white shirt up over his head, his curls falling down around his shoulders. I lift my shirt up over my head as he watches my every move, his eyes wondering over my curves, as I slowly step out of my pants and make my way to the tiny bed. He steps out of his pants and climbs into the tiny bed first. Once he is settled, he opens his arms and gestures for me to climb in beside him.

"C'mere," He says so cutely as he lifts the blanket and I climb in beside him laying my head down on his chest, hearing his heart beating.
"I love you. Forever and ever," I say as I snuggle into him.
"To the stars baby," He says quietly, holding my head to his chest and closes his eyes.I then fall into a completely contented sleep for the first time in a long time, wrapped up in his arms.