Louder Than Love || Chris Cornell

Bleed Together

Seattle Washington,
April 3, 1991

Later that evening Chris called Kim and told him everything about the house and said to call everyone to get them down to The Central tonight to hang out and celebrate. Chris had dropped me back at home so that I could quickly clean up a bit and change. I took a quick shower and decided to wear my black lace 3/4 sleeve mini dress with my Doc Marten's of course, and I threw my hair up in a messy bun with some curls that escaped to frame my face.

Just as I buckle my silver studded wrist cuff on my left wrist, I see the ring on my finger sparkling in the light. I smile to myself as my heart swells thinking of how Chris and I are finally forever.

Without even thinking, almost as if by pure habit, I quickly walk out to the kitchen and pick up the phone to call my mom.

Then it hits me.

She's gone.

The pain of loosing her floods back to me, like a punch in the chest taking my breath away, I try to stop myself from crying but it's no use. I miss her so much. This is the happiest day of my life and I can't stop the pain inside me. I want her back. It's not fair.

I hang up the phone and stand in the kitchen trying to stop the tears from flowing but I can't. I pick up one of the glasses that was sitting on the kitchen table and I throw it in a burst of rage and smashes against the wall breaking into a million pieces. I hate this feeling inside. I hate how it will come in waves, washing over me and drowning me, unable to get myself afloat.

I sob uncontrollably sliding down the kitchen counter onto the floor and I bring my knees up to my chest and rock myself back and forth trying to stop but I can't. I hate this more than I could ever hate anything in my life.

"Andi....?" I hear Chris's voice in the living room. I must've been crying so hard I didn't realize he was at the door. He walks into the kitchen as I frantically wipe my cheeks to rid the tears and cover my face with my hands.

"Baby...?" He says concerned as he quickly walks over to me and kneels down to me.
"I'm sorry..." I sob into my hands. He looks around the kitchen and sees the broken glass all over the floor. He then looks back at me, his brow furrowed and confused as to what just happened.

"Come here," He says as he pulls me into him. I bury my face in his chest as he holds me to him sitting on my kitchen floor.

"What happened baby...?" He says soothingly after I calm down a little. I push myself from his chest as he helps wipe away my tears from my cheeks.
"I was just getting ready in the bedroom and... and I felt so happy seeing the ring on my finger that I went to call my mom and... and... It just fucking slammed me hard in the chest like... I couldn't breathe... I don't know... I'm so fucked up...." I cry as he looks at me, wiping away my tears. He touches his forehead to my temple as I look at the kitchen floor with broken glass everywhere.

"Then I just got so fucking mad at myself that I threw a glass cup... and it broke..."

He just holds me, listening to my ranting emotions and I have no idea how to even bring myself back to stop this.

"I don't want to feel like this anymore..." I say quietly as I close my eyes as a few more stray tears find their way down my cheeks.
"I know baby..." He says so soothingly. He holds me for a little bit longer as my crying subsides and I'm able to pull myself back, just a little bit.

"Ugh..! ok... ok I need to get it together..." I say almost frustrated as I pull away from him and wipe my tears away. I move to get myself up off the floor as he helps me up and places a kiss on my temple.

"I need to clean this up... I need to clean myself up... I'm making us late..." I say as I look down at the floor.
"No... you're not making us late... it's fine. I got this. Go and do your girly stuff with the stuff and things..." He says so cutely and I giggle a little. I look up at him and place my hand on his  bare chest through his unbuttoned sleeveless grey and white plaid shirt as he leans into me and presses his lips to mine. His lips comfort me in a way I never imagined and all I want to do is wrap myself up in his arms and never leave.

I pull away from his lips and then turn to head to the washroom as he grabs the broom and cleans up the glass all over the floor. After a few short minutes I come back out of the washroom just as he finishes cleaning.

"Ok babe... you ready?" He exhales.
"Uh huh..." I say as he walks up to me. He brushes a stray curl out of my face and leans down to place a soft kiss on my lips.

"You know we don't have to do this tonight... if you want to stay home, we can," He says as he pulls away from me.
"No... no I want to go... I need to get out of here ... I just want to not feel... this... even if it's just for a little while," I say and he places a kiss on my forehead. I close my eyes for a moment just breathing him in.
"Alright babe... let's go," He says so sweetly and we head out the door, on our way to The Central.

•••

Chris and I arrive at The Central and see Kim, Matt and Ben at a table with Eddie, Stone, Jeff and Mike.  As we walk up to meet them, Eddie gets up from the table and walks directly over to me, and gives me the biggest hug. At first I was surprised, I wasn't expecting him to do that since the way we had left things before, but then as he held me, I closed my eyes and returned the hug, holding him tightly.

"I'm so sorry about your mom..." He whispers in my ear.
"Thank you," I whisper back and I feel as though everything between us had fallen away. There was no tension and no awkwardness, the only thing I felt was Eddie truly wanting to make me feel better.

I fight the urge to cry. I'm so sick of crying.

Eddie pulls away from me and looks down to see the ring on my finger.
"Congrats..." He says shyly with a smile.
"Thank you," I smile back at him.

"I was wondering when you two would finally make it official!" Kim exclaims as he walks over to Chris and I. Eddie turns to Chris and congratulates him while Kim walks over to me and gives me a big hug.
"Congratulations Andi... I'm so fucking happy for you two," Kim says.
"Thanks," I say as Kim continues to hold me for a few more minutes.
"I'm so sorry..." Kim says quietly in my ear and I hug him tighter. After a few more moments, Kim pulls away from me and offers me a half smile. I smile sheepishly back as Kim turns to Chris.

"And you... fucker... 'bout fucking time," Kim says and gives Chris a hug.
"I know right?" Chris laughs as Kim pulls away from him and taps him on the shoulder. Chris and I then move over to the table where everyone was, and we sit down across from Eddie, Stone and Jeff. Everyone else then congratulates us and Kim orders a round of drinks for all of us.

"You ok baby...?" Chris says as he leans into me and pulls me closer to him as he rests his arm on the back of my chair.
"Yea... yea I'm ok..." I say as I look into his beautiful blue eyes. He smiles sweetly at me and touches his forehead to mine.
"I love you..." He says so sweetly as he looks at me under his brow.
"I love you too..." I exhale.