Louder Than Love || Chris Cornell

So Close, But So Far

Seattle Washington, December 29 1992

"Ok... come on... please this time... please..." I say to myself as I sit alone on the toilet in our bathroom, holding my future on a tiny little stick. It felt like an eternity waiting for this little piece of plastic to decide my fate. Though I am desperately hoping this time, fate will be on my side.

Soundgarden has been on a much needed break since the fall, to work on the new record and re-charge from the massive tour they finished supporting Guns N Roses and Lollapalooza. It's been so amazing having Chris at home for a while instead of travelling all over the world. Don't get me wrong, I love that I get to be with him travelling on tour with him, I just start to miss home sometimes and I'm glad we are able to stay in one place right now, even if it's only for a little while.

Over the last few months I was able to reconnect my friendship with Eddie without it being awkward or weird at all. Pearl Jam was also on a little break for the the winter and in the middle of writing for their next album as well. Over the holidays, we spent some time with the guys and Chris and I spent Christmas day with his brother Peter and his Mother Karen. Ever since last Christmas when Chris saw the struggle I went through, not having my mom and no one in my family even reaching out to me... well let's face it, the same thing happened this year as well, and the fact that we are trying to have a baby, I think he thought it was time. As soon as the tour with GNR was done, Chris reached out to his mother and started working on trying to mend the relationship that had broken so many years ago.

I met his mom for the first time just before Halloween and to say the least, it was a nerve wracking experience. I know... it seems crazy that Chris and I have been together since 1988 and married since 1991 and I am just meeting his mom for the first time, but I am not one to judge anyones family or the choices they make with each other. Chris has told me everything that had happened with his mother and how they grew apart so I understand completely why he hadn't reached out to her for so long. All I can say is that they are now trying to mend the relationship that had been broken for so long and I love Chris for taking the first step.

His mom is really sweet and welcomed me without hesitation. I am obviously weary because I don't know her at all... but I have to admit, it felt really good to be around family again. I mean I am her daughter in law now.

We have been trying for a baby since August and when I had the appointment with my doctor to take out my IUD, she told me I should be able to get pregnant right away, though it seems to be proving difficult.

Last month I consulted with my doctor just to see why nothing seemed to be working. She suggested to relax, eat right and don't stress and let my body decide when it's time to conceive. I know I should just let it be, but each time I take that test and that little piece of plastic shows a blue line, I just feel like my body has failed me once again.

So here I sit in the bathroom... alone... while Chris is sound asleep in bed...waiting for this plastic stick thing to decide my future.

"Ok... please, please, please..." I say with my eyes closed, a part of me not wanting to look. I flick my eyes open and look down at the stick in my hand and instantly my heart drops.

Negative.

I let out a sigh and close my eyes again, feeling an overwhelming feeling of frustration and sadness. I try to get myself together but as the frustration bubbles even more to the surface, I whip the plastic stick across the bathroom, it bounces off the tile wall and lands in the porcelain tub. I wipe away a stray tear that somehow escaped my eye, stand up and head out of the bathroom to see Chris laying on his back, the covers barely pulled up to his hips, softly sleeping away. I take in a deep breath and walk over to my side of the bed and gently climb back in, trying not to disturb him. I lay on my side facing away from him and try to at least fall back to sleep. I glance at the alarm clock on my bedside table and it was only 6:30AM. I close my eyes and try to fall back to sleep.

•••

Chris flutters his eyes open and stretches for a few moments as he wakes from his comfortable sleep. He turns and sees Andi quietly sleeping, places a kiss on her exposed shoulder and slowly climbs out of bed to head to the washroom. As soon as he walks in, he notices the pregnancy test that Andi took, laying in the bottom of the tub. He picks up the plastic stick and sees that all too familiar sign that it didn't work this time.

"Awe... baby..." He says quietly to himself as he feels the sadness that he knows Andi is feeling. He walks over to the sink, and tosses the stick into the trash can beside the counter. He looks in the mirror, flipping his dark curls out of his face, looking over the slight stubble that has occurred on his cheeks overnight. After looking in the mirror for a few moments, trying hard to forget the disappointment of the test result, he opens the medicine cabinet and takes out his razor and shaving cream.

•••

I wake to hear the sound of the shower running as I turn over on my back and rub my eyes to rid the sleep. I am actually surprised I was able to fall back to sleep and so I did feel a little better but not by much. I sit up in bed, grab my hair tie from the bedside table and throw my hair up, to help take care of the mess of curls on my head. I hate bed head sometimes. As I pull the covers up to cover my bare chest, Chris emerges from the bathroom, a towel around his hips, the droplets of water from the shower still trickling down his chest as he uses another towel to dry his hair.

"Hi," He says so sweetly to me.
"Hey," I say quietly and yawn.
"You sleep ok?" He asks as he dries off his bare chest.
"Meh..." I shrug as I look up at him. He walks around to my side of the bed and leans down to place a kiss on my lips.
"You ok?" Chris asks when he pulls away from me and continues to dry his hair.
"Yea... why?" I lie.
"I uh... saw... the uh... test in the bathtub..."

"Oh... yea..." I say awkwardly and look away, shifting myself in the bed. He looks at me for a few moments with that all too familiar sympathetic look he gives me, that I should be used to by now, but it's really starting to make me feel worse, rather than comforting me like before. As the moments of silence tick by between us, it started to make me feel more awkward than before so I throw the covers off of me and climb out of bed.

"Andi... hey," Chris says and reaches for my hand, turning me to face him. I look up into those blue eyes knowing the disappointment that I'm causing him, though he looks at me with love but I just know I'm failing him each time.
"I'm just going to take a quick shower... " I say as I look away from him.
"Ok..." He says quietly. I lift myself up and place a quick kiss on his freshly shaven cheek then turn as he slowly lets go of my hand and I head into the washroom to get ready for the day.