Louder Than Love || Chris Cornell

My Words Are Out Of Balance

Sacramento California, February 1 1989

A few hours later I feel a hand stroking my hair. I open my eyes with a startle and see Chris sitting on the coffee table in front of me. It took me a few moments to realize that I'm still in the lobby and the early morning light shining through.

I groggily sit myself up and rub my eyes to rid the sleep. Then I blink a few times to try to focus.

"Hey," Chris says quietly. I look around the lobby and it was just the two of us. I look back at Chris as he looks at me. Suddenly the events from last night come flooding back to me, and the shame, guilt and anger bubble to the surface again. I sit quietly in front of him and say nothing. I'm afraid if I do I might regret it.

"I uh... was waiting for you to come back to the room last night," He says to me as his hair falls in his face. I still say nothing and just look at him. He looks down at himself, his arms resting on his thighs while he sits on the coffee table.

"I think we should talk about what happened." He says quietly. I still say nothing. He looks up at me.

"Things got out of hand... I know... But I think we should talk about it," He says as he looks at me. Still, I say nothing.

"Babe..-"

"Don't..- don't call me that," I cut him off. I look at him and it is still so fucking hard to not scream at him in this lobby.

"Andi... will you come back to the room with me?" He says calmly but pleading. I guess it is better we don't hash things out in public. I quickly look away from him and stand up to head towards the stairs, he stands up from the table and follows me back to the room.

As I enter the room I toss my jacket on the chair and see the bed was still made from the day before. I guess he hasn't slept at all. He follows in behind me and closes the door behind him. He walks over to the bed and sits down crosslegged in the middle. I stand there with my arms crossed over my chest and look at him.

"Will you sit with me?" He asks softly as he looks at me and gestures to the spot in front of him. I stand there looking at him, reluctant at first with my arms still crossed in front of my chest. My expression clearly telling him I'm still hurt and pissed off. He gives me a pleading expression and I eventually move to climb up on the bed and sit crosslegged across from him. We sit in silence as we look at each other and I could tell he hadn't slept all night. I had so many things I wanted to say. I really wanted to tell him to go fuck himself but being angry is not going to solve anything.

"Things got way out of hand last night... I know this is no excuse for my behaviour but I drank way too much and the situation with Hiro leaving, put me in a really bad place. Then when I saw you with Sebastian at the Club... I don't know why I got so jealous... I... just saw you with him and how much fun you were having with him, how he made you laugh... it just... I thought you... or I made it up in my head that you were going to leave me... or something... it's hard to explain... In my defence though he really was flirting with you right in front of me which pissed me off a little bit – "

"Chris... that's just how he is though... he's always been like that..." I cut him off to explain.

"No...I know but... it still hurt..." Chris says and looks down at himself.

"Girls flirt with you all the time... and I have to stand there and watch it... but I know you would never do anything to act on it..." I say to him. He continues to look down at himself.

"Chris... you said some things that really hurt last night...You went too far. I'm sorry that I slapped you, I admit that was really wrong of me... I've never hit anyone in my life... I didn't think I was capable of doing that to anyone... I hate myself for doing that to you...and... I'm just..." I trail off trying to hold back tears. I'm so sick of crying. He looks up at me and I look down at myself trying to stop my tears. He reaches up and touches my cheek, wiping my tears away with his thumb.

"I don't blame you for slapping me...I fucking deserved it...Andi... I'm sorry for the things I said... I'm really, really sorry," Chris desperately says to me. I look up at him as he wipes my tears away from my cheeks. That's really all I needed to hear. He looks into my eyes and I instantly melt all over again. He leans in towards me and presses his lips to my forehead. I close my eyes and exhale and all the anger and hurt melted away from me. He moves his lips from my forehead and touches his forehead to mine.

"I love you so fucking much, I'm so, so, sorry," He breathes.

"I love you," I say quietly back to him. He lifts his head from me and I move in and press my lips to his. I start to suck his bottom lip and reach up to thread my fingers through his hair. Fuck I love him so fucking much. I pull away from him and drop my hands from his hair. He then draws me into him and we lay down on the bed, my head pressed against his chest. I close my eyes and listen to his heart beating and I never want to leave this spot.

"I missed you being in my arms..." He says quietly. I take in a deep breath and snuggle more into him.

"Lets just stay in the room all day... just me and you... we'll just block out the world and cocoon ourselves in here.." He says

"What about food though?" I ask.

"Room service," He says and I giggle accidentally letting out a high pitched squeak.

"That was cute," Chris laughs and I laugh with him. This right here is worth the fight. After a few moments I wonder if I should mention Baz's gig tonight at The Ace Of Spades, but I decide against it. I embarrassed myself pretty good last night in front of him so I should probably just let it go for now.

We lay together in bed the whole day just talking, laughing, cuddling, fucking and falling asleep every once and a while. Chris did eventually order room service so that we could eat. We needed to come up for air eventually. I didn't even care about not going to see Baz, I loved being with Chris, just in this room the whole day, locking the world out. As much as I hated that fight we had, making up was the best part.