Imperfect

Chapter 28 - Painkiller

It's been 6 months since I last saw Luke, leaving him in the music room of an arena.  It's been 6 months without speaking to him.  It has been a brutal 6 months of being back to my old self.  My sister has been dragging me around to different doctors and therapists, but nothing seems to work anymore.  Now that I've given up on myself, Andrea has given up on me as well.  I'm uncontrollably and nothing but numb.  No matter how much I drink, how many pills I've popped and how deep I cut, I cannot feel anything.  I'm empty and cold.  I'm like a ghost with a heart beat.  To have Luke see me like this would kill the both of us and that's why I did what I did. 

I've tried pushing Luke out of my mind, but he's everywhere.  His band is everywhere.  I can't leave this flat without not seeing him on billboards, listen to their music in stores or see them on TV.  The more I see 5 Seconds of Summer the more memories of us flood my mind.  When I first met them they were only starting out, reaching the peak of their dream; opening shows for other artists and doing gigs from here to there.  Now, they've got their own album and they're touring the world, performing in stadiums.  It's surreal. 

I shook my head, erasing the thought of the boys for a while.  I sat on my couch and turned on the TV.  Oh, look!  What a surprise; 5SOS is being interviewed.  I wanted to change the channel, but something caught my attention.

"So, Luke..."  The interview stalled.  Luke looked up and slightly smiled.  "I have a question from a fan and it says do you miss Danielle?"  The beat of my heart picked up speed.  Luke bit his bottom lip and looked off to the side.  I know that look. 

"Whose Danielle?"  The interview asked.  Luke hesitated to answer the question.  Calum threw his arm around Luke's shoulder and patted his back.  He whispered something into Luke's ear which couldn't be heard, but I read his lips.  He mouthed "it's okay".  Luke nodded.

"Dani is my ex-girlfriend..."  He looked down, fidgeting with his fingers.  "I miss her dearly, but I bet she doesn't miss me at all."  Luke threw his hands in the air, just a little ticked off.  I turned off the TV and threw the remote at it, cracking the screen.  I crossed my arms and breathed heavily.   I grabbed a pillow and pressed my face into it, screeching until my lungs wore out.

"I DON'T WANT TO MISS HIM!"  I cried.  I missed Luke.  I miss him so much to the point where it physically hurt.  I miss his touch, I miss his lips, I miss voice, I miss those crystal blue eyes that I adore.  But a massive part of me doesn't want to miss him.  I can't, simply because it causes me too much pain. 

I am just so sick.  So mentally and physically sick.  I'm exhausted of living.  What was the point of living all these horrible 6 months?  It just made me worse.  I used to be so happy.  I was the happiest little girl everyone ever known.  I was all smile and giggles.  My life was perfect.  I had family and friends.  I had what every little girl wants/needs.  I used to be so beautiful.  I remember being so confident and I wasn't insecure about anything.  Carefree was what I was.  I had scarless skin, light brown hair from the sun's highlights and dazzling brown eyes.  I was the perfect child up until everything came crashing down by the age of 7.  I've never been the same from such a young age.

No matter who or what you are, no one deserves to suffer from depression, anxiety and self-harm.  No one deserves to have thoughts of suicide on a daily basis.  Absolutely no one deserves to harm themselves and be afraid of the most simplest things in life.

I faceplanted into the pillow again and screamed into it once more.  I threw it across the living room and into the kitchen, knocking off a glass cup off the counter.  The glass cup fell to the floor, shattering into a million pieces.  My wrists distracted me from what just happened.  I glanced at my wrists in guilt, but also feeling a pleasure.  I've learned to like what I see.  Deep cuts, old and new covered my arms.  I shut my eyes and rested my head back up against the couch.  The memory of Luke appeared in my mind of him kissing my scars in the music room as I sat on his lap ages ago.  I forced my eyes to open, attempting to forget about it.  Forget about him.  I pushed myself up and walked over towards the kitchen.  I opened the cupboard and took placed more glass cups on the counter.  I picked them up and smashed them against the walls as hard as I could, creating a loud shattering sound.  I let my anger take over my body, controlling me.  I've lost control of myself.  I'm losing my mind by the second.  I continued to throw glass cups and everything breakable towards every direction possible.  Plates, cups, forks, and knives scattered the floor of the flat.  I dodged and skipped over piles of broken objects.  I wasn't quite finished.  I ran myself into a wall at full speed, breaking a huge dent into it.  The wall cut the skin of my shoulder open, causing it to bleed, but I didn't mind.  It's not something I'm not used to feeling, nor seeing.  I loved the look, sound, and feel of destruction.  More.  I wanted more.  I saw a lamp at the corner of my eye that stood near the door.  I yanked it from the plug in the wall and demolished it.  I swung it around, hitting and breaking anything and everything around me.  I walked around the flat some more, knocking off things that were important, less important, expensive and less expensive,  but I didn't give a shit.

I opened the fridge to a heaven of alcohol.  God bless my sister for buying so much beer, coolers, tequilas and flavored vodka.  The more alcohol I consumed the better I felt?  I drank and drank my guts out.  I sat on the kitchen floor, facing the balcony of my flat. 

"Just one more beer..."  I mumbled to wasted self.  While I chugged the last beer I stared out the window of my flat, looking at the balcony that was 3 stories above the ground.  I shrugged and opened the sliding door to the balcony.  Looking down, I smirked to myself.

"This is it!"  I said in relief.  I stood on the bar on the balcony, balancing myself to get in position to jump the best free fall off my life.  I spread my arms out and took a wide step across the bar.  As a took a deep breath I heard someone anxiously banging on the door.

"DANIELLE?!"  I couldn't make out whose voice it was, but at this point, there was so turning back.  I should've done this years ago to free myself from all the pain and hell I go through every single day.  I'm about to be relieved from my misery.  I smiled to myself.  The person shouted my name for the second time and managed to unlock the door, kicking it.  I looked over my shoulder to see who just barged into my flat. 

"LUKE?!" I gasped and fell...