Baby Sugg

I love you so fucking much

2 weeks later

"DEE" Joe shouted running up the third-floor staircase of the Zalfie household. "Dee, are you up yet?" Joe asked knocking on the door of Dee's borrowed bedroom. Joe entered the small room that was made into an emergency guest room the last time Dee had stayed over, the bed was made neatly with a large knit grey blanket draped over the end, multiple cushions placed at the head end and Dee's laptop discarded on it. The light grey bedside table had a large coffee mug left on it along with a book.

"she wasn't up there?" Joe said as he walked down the stairs, into the kitchen where Zoe was making breakfast.

"she went on a run to the shops with Alfie, as a cool down from their gym session," Zoe said, "You don't need to stress too much Joe, she is doing ok"

"Should she be going to the gym and on runs" Joe exclaimed,

"We can monitor her Joe, so she isn't doing too much exercise and check how much she eats, she is going with Alfie and a personal trainer, she is perfectly safe Joe," Zoe said as she continued to cut a mango.

"Her doctor is suggesting we keep a journal of what she does, her moods, her diet, her exercise. when she is with you just fill it in." Zoe said as she opened the journal, "So it dates back to the day she left the hospital if you follow the format of the other pages you will find it easy"

"Ok" Joe nodded as he flicked through the book.

"Are you sure you will be ok looking after her, I really don't mind her staying here longer," Zoe said turning to Joe.

"No, you need a break, and I want to be there for her and help her, and I need to get used to her... needs," Joe said uncomfortably at the end, "and I need to know how to look after her for South Africa."

"Are you sure South Africa is a good idea still?" Zoe said as her younger brother Joe sighs in realization. "I understand how much you want to take her but maybe wait for a year"

"Maybe," Joe said glumly sitting down on the breakfast ber his head resting on the worktop.

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" Hi Dee, how was the gym?" Zoe smiled looking up past Joe, before sipping her green tea.
"It was ok as far as going to the gym goes," Dee said as she walks towards Zoe.
"Hey, Dee," Joe said standing up awkwardly, "How are you?"
"Same as when you asked me last weekend and basically every day on text, fine"  Dee said, Joe's forced smile dropped as he sat back down. Zoe gave him a subtle reassuring smile.
" Here," Alfie said as he entered the kitchen handing Zoe a Waitrose bag, "Everything that was on the list"
"Thanks" Zoe said as she kissed him on the cheek. "Oh Dee would you mind getting the smoothies from the fridge"
"Sure," Dee said getting out and then putting it on the table.
"Breakfast will be ready in 5 mins" Zoe said finishing breakfast. Dee nodded and filled a cup with water. "Are you packed Dee?" Zoe asked.
"Almost" Dee said "how long am i going for"
"You and joe are gonna come here on the 22nd and 23rd and then go to dads for Christmas" Zoe said carrying plates to the table. Dee nodded, disappointment clear on her face.
"I'm not that bad am I?" Joe joked, Dee remained silent.

"Byron is looking forwards to seeing you, and all the other boys" Joe said while eating breaking the silence.
"Do I have to go to London, I like it here" Dee pleaded. Zoe and Joe exchanged glances.
"You will like it in London as well, once you settle in." Zoe said
"It will be good for you to start getting back to normal" Joe said.
"Normal?" Dee said standing up discarding her breakfast, "this is normal, in Brighton. Why do I have to go to London."
"You don't, I just think it will be best" Joe said nervously.
"Why does everyone think they know what's best for me, I know what's best for ME, I am not a child I'm an adult I don't need to be treated like a toddler."
"Come on Dee not this again." Alfie said, "you can't argue your way out of this, you need to eat and creating an argument as a distraction won't work this time" Alfie said running his fingers through his hair.
"Dee you didn't know what was best for you, you drove yourself to hospital, you could of died." Joe said becoming upset.
"I was fine" Dee said in annoyance "I didn't need help"
"Come on Dee, let's all just calm down, like adults" Zoe said, Dee sat back down.

Breakfast was silent, Dee didn't eat any more which did not go unnoticed or unmentioned.
"Dee eat some more please" Joe said,
"No thank you" Dee said,
"Dee you need more than that, at lest finish your smoothie."
"No thank you" Dee said again not even looking up at her older brother.
"Dee you can be excused up to your room." Alfie said before taking a sip of his coffee. Joe put his face in the palm of his hands, " I don't know if I can manage" Joe admitted.
"Joe it's an off day" Alfie said, " she is very confused and unsettled by the Change in routine"
"What if she continues like this, I won't be able to cope" Joe sighed.
"She won't, you know she adores you, it's just a bad day."
"Try not to be to tough on her" Zoe said clearing away. "Find the balance between strict and understanding."

The drive to London was silent and cold, there was a uncleared tension and something that had clearly torn these two people apart, breaking them.

"Hey kiddo" joe said sitting on the end of Dee's bed. "I'm sorry"
Dee looked at Joe in confusion, she moved her laptop of her lap and onto the bedside table.
"I just love you so much" Joe said his voice wavering, "I don't want you to get hurt ever again, and you seem to be hurting yourself. I vowed to myself I would never let any harm come to you ever again and that I would protect you all I am possible of. I just need you to know I am trying, I may not be successful just yet" Joe stopped to clear his throat and to try and keep down tears, "but I am trying, I need to come to terms with everything and to try and help you in a way that keeps you happy, because your happiness and health it what means the most to me" Joe aggressively wiped his eye, " it kills me to know how much you hate yourself because honestly Doe, you are the most perfect human and it kills me that you can't see it, and it kills me that you can't love yourself as much as everyone else loves you, you are blocking out the people who love you and we just want you to be here, alive and healthy, I just want, I need you here alive and healthy." Joe wiped at the tears at his eyes trying to make them disappear, Dee was also crying, "because if I lost you, then" Joe began to erupt with emotions "I wouldn't know what to do with myself, you are the most important thing to me kiddo." Joe coughed, "I love you so much" he pulled Dee into his chest and hugged her tight.
"You really need to find yourself a girlfriend." Dee whispered earning a tearful laugh from Joe, for a split moments he has a segment of the old Dee and in that short short moment, her wanted time to pause and to stay in that moment for ever.
"I love you so fucking much" Joe cried into Dee's head.