Saved By Her Penpal

47.

Jerome W.
March 28, 2017.
3:00am.

• • •

"Boy.. you want me to wake up at three in the morning and you're sitting here not saying anything." My mom sipped her coffee staring at me as if I lost my mind.

I sighed taking a deep breath. "Do you love me?" I asked her prepared for the thing I didn't want to hear the most.

Her face softened. "Of course I do, why would you ask me that?"

"I just- never-mind." I stood about to walk away. I wanted to know why she treated me the way she did, and my therapist suggested that I should talk to her when I got the courage too. "This was a mistake." I dropped my head, my feet unable to move.

I had a few drinks with bricks and winter earlier celebrating winters birthday and decided that now would be the time to see if my mother ever loved me.

"Jerome sit down, let's talk. Why don't you think I love you?" She grabbed my hand and sat me back down. "Help me understand? I mean Sonja has already told me her issue, why is it so hard for you?" She asked me sincerely.

"I - well." I wiped my now sweaty hands on my pants. "It's just that, I never felt loved by you. Sonja, Zade and Zuri were all showed some type of affection by you and then there's me. It's like I only had dad for as long as I could remember. Sonja has a smart ass mouth and the most you'd do to her is pop her or send her off and then you'd be right back like y'all are the best of friends." I sighed. "Then it's me, you believed I'd rape a woman, even when I proved myself you told me 'good for me' and when something happens your literally quick to fight me but never hear my side of the story ever. If you love me you have a damn good way of showing it." I looked up at her and was confused because she had tears streaming down her face.

"I love you." She told me. "It was just hard to love you. But I do, and I'm sorry I didn't know how to show that until Sonja came along and by then it was too late. You'd already made your mind up about me when you were 8 years old." She chuckled. "You remember what you said to me when you' came to visit me when I got locked up?" She asked and her voice cracked. I closed my eyes and went back to that time.

"I don't want to see her, why do I have too dad?" Eight year old Jerome held on tight to his fathers hand as he saw his mother sitting behind the glass.

"Jerome getcho little ass up there." Idris gritted and shoved him to the glass. He'd sat down and Cookie looked at him happy to see him it had been one month since she'd took the fall for Idris. Idris was stressed out because right before she took the fall without him knowing she'd had a now one month old Sonja.

"You' don't want to see mommy?" She asked confused to as why her son was looking at her like that.

"No. I hate you." He said proudly. Tears formed in cookies eyes hearing her son say those words.

"Y- You don't mean that." She choked up seeing him about to stand and walk away.

"Yes I do and I never want you to love me again. You left me, you don't care and I don't love you, I love my dad and my dad only. When I grow up I still won't love you so you can hate me too." A broken hearted Jerome yelled and punched his little fist on the glass.

I opened my eyes and nodded my head. "Why did you feel that way?" She asked me and I shrugged not wanting to talk anymore. "Well you remember your grandpa smith?" She asked and I nodded again remembering her father, an evil man.

"Well you know I was only fourteen when I had you, and you know he used to beat on me and my mom." Her voice cracked a little. "Idris was slanging for us, and he basically raised himself being in the foster system so I took the beatings in order for you to have somewhere to stay.." She wiped her eyes. "My dad drilled it in my head that I couldn't love you and if I showed any affection towards you he'd lock you away from me and beat me so after a while I forced myself not to love you and just take care of you." She shook her head. "Then it was time you were five or six, I had to go back to his home because I was tired of you being on the streets and you ended up playing in my mothers makeup and heels, he'd beat you so bad I stood up for you and that made him beat me senseless and I could admit that I resented you for that but that wasn't your fault Jerome and when you told me that the day you visited me I thought you were better off without me loving you, I only caused you pain Jerome."

"I just want you to love me ma. I didn't know you went through all of that and I can admit I have been pushing you away but I need you." The tears I had been holding fell and she got up and wrapped her arms around me, I felt safe.

"I know I can't take nothing back but I can start over. I do love you Jerome, I love you so much and I'm going to do better. I'm sorry, you hear me?" She grabbed my face in her hands and I nodded hugging her tightly.

"I love you too."

We held each other for a minute before her bedroom door opened and I thought it would have been her boyfriend but it was my dad instead. My heart danced for joy but on the outside I didn't let it show.

"You two back together? I thought you had a good man?" I asked her wiping my face.

"Boy fuck him, and y'all done? I was kind of getting my dick-"

"Idris." My mom covered my ears as if I wasn't a grown ass man.

"What? That man 25 years old with a baby on the way, and would have had a total of three." He shrugged. "Look at his freak ass woman, you mean to tell me I can't say how you were swallowing my kids?"

"Daddy what's swallowing kids? I don't want mommy to swallow me." Zuri rubbed her eyes and looked petrified standing in her doorway. My dad and mom gasped rushing to explain some lie to her and I fell out laughing.

"Bruddder" Zade ran to me and hugged me tightly.

"Can y'all shuttup!" Sonja yelled. "Amir is sleeping."

"Girl fuck that baby." My dad joked and I laughed, causing Sonja to even chuckle a little before closing her door again.

I watched my dad take the girls back into their rooms after they talked to Zuri and my mom looked embarrassed sitting next to me. "I did have a boyfriend, but it didn't work out." She shrugged. "And I'll like to meet your girlfriend." She smiled. "She seems to make you happy, and I already like her for that." She hugged me and told me she loved me numerous times.