Habitual Healing [Soonhoon]

Healing 16

Its only been a few minutes since Jihoon's fingertips form wrinkles, knowingly he's been in the shower longer than he intended to. He did not mean to waste water or waste the most time crying, however the feelings seem overwhelming. His rollercoaster of emotions finally seizing as he started to calm down, his own breathing steadying as he lifted himself up from the tiled floor with shaky legs. The water above seemed to weigh him more than he liked. 

Or supposedly, it is his little distorted mind playing tricks on him. Moments like these where he seems to feel vulnerable at the smallest of things. Gradually, he washed up and contained his emotions. Steadying them as his breathing and piecing them back together, as though his shattered reflection had littered the floor with broken pieces. 

Reaching out, he finally turned off the shower and he shivered by the disappearance of the warmth. Coldness capturing his flesh as though he is dead, but as much as he wished, he remained to be alive with a beating heart and lungs healthy enough to let him live. A deep sigh escaped his lips, staring at the white wall. A small rejection in leaving this white tiled bathroom, a sense of belonging but he knew he will need to leave. 

He didn't want to be a burden for Soonyoung. 

Partially of his mind thought of Soonyoung, wishing for his touch. His fingers running through his strands of blonde hair or his toned arms securing around him, making him feel at home. But, home seems far for him. This confusion and these constant emotions returning, which makes no absolute sense for Lee Jihoon. He doesn't know why he feels these emotions, especially knowing them. Easily he identifies them, and he didn't know why he did so. 

Anger. 

Hatred.

Grief.

Sadness.

Emptiness.

Those emotions seem common to him than foreign. Why are these emotions returning? Why can't he remember why he felt these type of emotions? 

He doesn't exactly know nor remember why he felt this certain way. As though his brain has been shut down, crushed in a way where he doesn't recognize the fragments of his own memories. He can not piece them together to know. 

Taking a deep breath, Jihoon left the shower and wrapped himself in towel. Staring at himself through the mirror, he will admit that he does look different from the beginning. His petite body seemed to grow a bit more weight due to the schedule of eating three meals a day and meals that are large enough to fill his stomach. He doesn't know what time is it, but he didn't feel hungry at all. Dry lips craved a taste, but his stomach seemed to think otherwise. 

Turning to face his back towards the mirror, he dropped his towel low enough to reveal the ragged scars on his flesh. They outline pink and it is easily identifiable with contrast of his milk skin. He closed his eyes, thinking whether he knows and why he had these scars. However, the weight within his heart hung heavily and he wanted to break down crying. Crying for minutes didn't seem enough as more tears seemed to well up. 

It was a sense of confusion. 

He didn't understand why he didn't remember or he can not remember. If he could not remember, what is the point of living? 

The truth stood proudly and stained his milky skin as disgusting scars. The scars representing something but he could not recall them with an exception of his personal emotions. Supposedly, he remembered them before but he grown so tired of knowing the same thing, he somehow forgotten? He doesn't know. 

Maybe so many things happened in a matter of weeks that his brain decided to focus on present time than the past or the future. 

Surely, that is a good thing to not know his own traumatic experience but does that make him normal? Does that make up his identity or not?