The Truth Untold

24

On Saturday I slept so long that I skipped breakfast and jumped straight to lunch. But the living room and the kitchen were empty. Was Jess still in bed? Carefully I knocked on her room door and waited for an answer.

"Yes", it came muffled from the inside and I pushed down the handle.

"How are you," I asked when I saw her lying in the semi-darkness of her bed playing her depri music playlist.

"Brilliant," she said and her voice dripped with sarcasm. "No ten horses can get me out of bed today," she murmured and I smiled.

"Something like that has to happen. Should I make lasagna?" I asked, at least to cheer her up a bit.

In fact, her eyes regained some vitality and she said: "You know how to make me happy".

"I go shopping quickly, then I start immediately," I said and wanted to leave the room, but Jessie called me back.

"Cathie!"

"Yes?".

"I have an appointment with the gynaecologist next Tuesday," she said, sounding slightly frightened.

"Okay. Do you want me to come with you," I asked carefully. I wanted to support her wherever I could, because I knew that this pregnancy could ruin her. She didn't really know what she wanted to do after graduating anyway and with a baby her possibilities were severely limited. I wanted to be there for her, help her with everything, because I knew it was only a matter of time before she collapsed.

"That would be great, Kathie. Thank you," she said and I heard her voice tremble.

"No need to thank,' I said with a smile and left the room.

I quickly put on something I could wear to the street and bought everything I needed for a lasagna in the supermarket next door. At home I prepared everything and brought Jessie a piece into her room. Then I sat down at the kitchen table with a few things and sank completely into the materials. My mobile phone hummed and when I looked at the clock, I realized that we already had four o'clock in the afternoon. I looked at my phone and recognized a message from Leo asking how Jessie was. With a smile I explained to him that she was fine and he asked if we would see each other tonight. Actually I hadn't intended to go to the student party, but Leo hardly needed arguments to persuade me.

I pick you up at 19.00 o'clock.

he wrote and I put the mobile phone away with a devoted sigh. I got up and went to Jessies door to let her know.

"Jessie?".

"Yes," she replied as I was already standing in the room.

"I'm at Henry's tonight, yeah? But if you want me to stay here, that's no problem. Honestly not. I don't want you to feel left alone", I explained and had a very bad conscience that I would leave tonight.

"Are you crazy? Go! After all, you are not pregnant yet. Enjoy your life as long as you can," she said cynically and it put a stab in my heart.

"Your life is not over, Jessie. You can come with me", I suggested, although I knew that this was not an option for her. If I were her, they probably wouldn't have gotten me out of bed for months.

"And then what? Then I drink nothing, some idiot asks me if I'm pregnant and I have a nervous breakdown so everyone knows I'm really pregnant," she said desperately and sat up. She had her brown curls tied to a knot on her head and she was completely without Make-Up, which was a rare sight.

"Yes, I know. I still thought I'd ask," I said, dejected and avoiding her gaze.

"I wish you lots of fun with Leo," she said and cuddled back into her blankets.

"Thank you', I mumbled and left her room.

I sat down on the sofa and watched a few episodes of my favorite sitcom before getting ready. The whole time I was on the subject, I kept wondering what I was going to do in her place. Would I keep it? Would I be able to raise it? Would I be a good mother? I couldn't find an answer to any question. The only thing I knew was that I had great respect for Jessica and how she was dealing with it right now. Well, she was desperate in bed all day, but she could have reacted much worse. At half past six I took a shower and got ready.

Leo wrote me exactly at 7 p.m.:

I am there

I quickly said goodbye to Jessie and then walked down the stairs to the front door. I wore a bordeaux summer dress with long trumpet sleeves and lace on my back, shoulders and chest. It was my favourite dress, as it could be worn at parties but also in my spare time. Outside on the curb stood Leo, who looked at me from top to bottom. His look got something glassy and seemed to be far away in his mind. Almost a laugh would have slipped over my lips with his apathetic facial expression. But when I approached him, his head twitched and he seemed to be awake again.

With a broad smile he opened the passenger door of his Audi for me and said: "You look great".

"Thank you', I said and noticed how I blushed.

I got into the car and it didn't take three seconds for Leo to appear in the driver's seat.

"You don't look bad either," I returned the compliment after also looking at him. This time he wasn't wearing his white shirt or T-shirt, but a black hooded sweater, which was one size too big for him. I loved this trend of wearing everything one size bigger. It looked good and I also felt much more comfortable in oversize T-shirts and hoodies. Also his hair looked outrageously good and it itched in my fingers to ruffle them up, to feel how they felt between my fingers. He recently wore them with a side parting so that half of them lay like a wave on one side. Sometimes he wore them like that in college, but not always. Probably sometimes he just didn't have the motivation for this effort, which made it all the more perfect.

"Thank you," he said to me with a grin, stroking up the sleeves of his hoody and starting the engine. My eyes immediately looked at his strong forearms and I had to swallow when I saw the veins that appeared under the sleeve of his hoody and extended to his wrist.

"Are you actually going to sports?" it burst out of me and I could have fought myself for the quality that I usually talked first and then thought.

"Besides dancing? Yes, I try to go to the gym as often as I can," he explained and actually I had already known that before. Someone with such abdominal muscles didn't go not to the gym.

"Why?" he asked mischievously and blinked over to me.

"Just so," I said innocently, with another look at his forearms. I saw him smiling out of the corner of his eye, but I ignored it and looked outside.

"How's Jessie?" he asked now and sounded more serious.

"I don't know. Not good, but she doesn't let anything see through. She was in bed all day, but still she was so ... calm", I said and was not sure if I had found the right words.

"I have to think all the time about what would have happened if you had been pregnant", Leo mumbled absently and I looked at him. It was already dawning outside and the lanterns were already on. I watched as the lights of the city reflected in his big doe eyes and his face lit up red and green.

"What would you have done if I was pregnant," I asked without turning my gaze away from him.

We stood at a red light and Leo turned his head to me to return my penetrating gaze.

"I would have stayed with you. Would have helped and supported you as much as I could. I would have been there for you, no matter what you would have decided," he explained seriously, but calmly and grabbed, as if by reflex, my hand lying on my thigh.

I said nothing, just looked at him and crossed my fingers with his. He had taken my hand once, but I had been sick and after we had avoided body contact as much as we could the last few weeks, it felt absolutely right now.  A horn behind us interrupted the moment and we both noticed that the traffic light had jumped back to green. We quickly loosened our fingers and continued in silence. The crackling in the air had not escaped me.