Quick note: I'm not sure if this is triggering so it does mention panic attacks. And if I got anything wrong about panic attacks I don't mean to offend anyone and I'm sorry if I got it wrong. If you want I added a song above for you to listen to and I think it fits the reader's hardship. Enjoy💗 __________________________________
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I stood outside in the rain of my best friends house. Thunder boomed and I jumped at the defeating sound. I paced back and forth in front of the large front door, trying to control my shaking.
"This is so stupid." I muttered to myself. Ignoring the discomfort of my now soaked outfit. Lightning lit up the dark sky as I paced under the boys porch. My heartbeat was uncontrollable, hands shaking. Although outside, I felt as if the world around me was closing in. Unable to catch my breath I furiously knocked on the large door in an action of desperation.
No more than a minute later the brunette appeared, confused expression quickly fading to one of worry.
"Y/n what the hell?" He spoke over the rain pulling me inside. I tried to speak but was almost unable to.
"What's wrong, what's wrong are you okay?" He repeatedly asked holding onto my shoulders.
"P-Panic attack." I wheezed between words and his eyes widened.
"I-I'm sorry I just didn't know what to do. It won't- wont go away and I didn't know-"
"No no it's okay. Can I hug you?" He quietly questioned and I nodded.
"I-just can't- I cant breathe and I don't- I don't know what to do." I struggled to which he quickly shooshed me. Sliding down on the now closed door with me still in his arms.
"I have you. You're okay, I have you." He whispered into my hair as I tried to catch my breath. He held me around the arms as my back was against his chest, my legs over one of his while his other one was against his chest.
"I have you." He muttered and I nodded.
"I just want it. I just want it to stop." I choked and he nodded whilst his chin rested on my head. His heart beat wildly, and his unsteady breathing told me he was just as panicked as I was. I'm sure he's probably never seen a panic attack before. I frantically wiped the tears pouring down my face as I took in a shaky breath. His right hold seemed to calm me.
"I'm-im fine." I let out and the boy softly chuckled.
"No the fuck you're not."
"It's just." I hiccuped before continuing and took a deep breath. If I was going to say this I needed to be calm.
"Everyone thinks I'm good, because I'm constantly taking care of people. And I'm not any saint or whatever I have my flaws. But most of my friends come to me when they have a problem. Which is great, I'm happy they are comfortable and trust me. But nobody ever fucking asks how I'm doing you know? Like everyone assumes I'm fine because I smile and laugh shit off. Or just because I'm supporting them that means I'm okay. But you know what? I'm not fine, and I haven't been for a long fucking time." I let out a breathy laugh as before I continued. Not realizing the boy take his arm off of me to wipe a tear from his face.
"It feels great to say that, at least someone knows. I don't really know what it is. In fact it's probably just a shitload of things I've bottled up. And you're probably wondering why I take care of other people and Not myself. And I guess it's because I just really don't give a shit about my emotions. I'd just rather not talk about them because that's just...I don't know a burden? I can't really explain it. I honestly just think I hate myself sometimes. God that sounds fucked up. It's just, I feel so sad I just want everything and everyone to stop. I'm just treading water Steve, I'm treading water and I don't think I can anymore." I let out with a sob. He wrapped his arms tighter around me as I cried into his shirt.
"Fuck y/n." His voice cracked as he spoke. And I realized he was crying too.
"Don't cry, I didn't mean to make you cry."
"Me? Are we seriously worrying about me right now?" The boy smiled half heartedly which I returned. I laid my head on his chest and he kissed my temple with a sniffle.
"I'm so sorry you've felt this way. And I'm even more sorry I never noticed." He let out shakily.
"I'm here okay? I'm not going anywhere. I want you to know that you can always talk to me. Please don't ever hold this stuff in, I can't let you feel this way. I just- I wish I could just take all that pain and put it on me you know? I'd do anything to make you happy." He rambled as I took in another shaky breath.
"I'm gonna be okay, I promise."
"I promise you I won't ever let you be alone if you're not okay. You're really all I've got y/n, and I don't ever wanna lose you. You're practically my other half. If- if I ever lost you." He attempted to finish speaking but couldn't. I hugged him tighter and he let out a breath.
"I don't know what I'd do with myself. You hear me? I need you...And I'm always going to need you." He reassured with another kiss to my head. He swallowed before speaking again.
"I love you."
"I love you too St-"
"No. You don't understand y/n. I mean I love you. I mean I'd actually do anything to keep you safe, to keep you smiling, to keep you happy. I mean I would die if it meant you would be okay. I don't love you the way you love me. I love your laugh, I love your smile, I love your flaws...Not that there are many. You're kinda perfect. I love you a lot more than I think you'll ever know. It kinda scares me sometimes, hell all the time. I'm always afraid I'll say something stupid and hurt you. Or you'll someday get tired of me or I'll mess up and you'll hate me. I'm scared of how you make my heart race. I'm scared of how you make my stomach do summer-salts just when you laugh. I'm scared...I'm terrified of ever losing you. Because I love you. I love you okay?" He finished with a deep breath. I raised my head from his chest, and he moved an arm from my waist to wipe a tear on his face, and then one on mine. He looked to my eyes, and then down towards my lips, before looking away with a sniffle. I turned his head towards mine with my thumb and forefinger. Leaning my head towards his to put his lips to mine. He reluctantly turned his head away from mine. I liked to him in confusion, he let his eyes fall to mine before looking to the floor.
"I-I can't. You're upset and I can't kiss you right now. I shouldn't have told you. You need time to calm down and get better. I'm sorry. You're in a vulnerable place right now and I should hav-" I interrupted him by putting his lips to mine. Letting his soft lips melt into mine. He put his forehead to mine and we both pulled away with small smiles.
