Unbreakable Currents

Chapter 12

When I mentioned drinks with Natalie, I figured we would go somewhere quiet but she suggested Club Tropics, a rooftop bar at the hotel next door to the condo complex. She thought we needed somewhere with upbeat music to dance and let loose.

When we arrived, the rock band was booming and, as it was the middle of March, we were surrounded by spring breakers. I was a little worried about drinking and being around the opposite sex, considering my vulnerable state, but Natalie would have my back after what I was getting ready to tell her.

We sat at a table in the back so we could try to hear each other over the loud music.

"This place is cool. I am a little jealous, all these spring breakers having a great time, not having to get up in the morning for work." I sighed.

"Yeah, must be nice for them. But hey, we can get a little loose since we're only one parking lot over."

We both ordered margaritas with a double shot of tequila. I needed liquid courage. I didn't know if I was ready to bring this part of my life up. I wanted a fresh start when I came to Destin but to really know me you have to know my past. Although Natalie was clearly a good person, I didn't know if she would judge me like my other friends had.

I took a deep breath. "When I was 15 my dad died. It was rough. I went through therapy which helped, but I was a teenager and trying to find myself, I guess. My mom worked a lot so I was able to get away with crap because she wasn't around. I don't blame her, she had to do what she had to do, but I got caught up with the wrong kids at school. We would drink and do some drugs but nothing crazy. Then, when I was 16, I was diagnosed with Poly cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I had like three periods since I was thirteen and I knew that couldn't be right. The doctors put me on birth control so I would have a period and I knew I couldn't get pregnant easily anyway as PCOS leads to fertility issues. Add on the birth control and my odds of getting pregnant were tiny. So, with all this shit, my escape was to start drinking and sleeping around. I would try to seduce some of my guy friends when I would drink, and they would sleep with me and then lose all respect for me. Obviously, I lost a lot of friends. I was judged by my girlfriends because they all had boyfriends and I had no desire for that, so I got pushed out of the circle."

I stopped talking and stared at Natalie, trying to read her face. She didn't say anything, just gestured for me to go on.

"Well, my whole mentality when I drank was who cares I can't get pregnant, so I just slept around. My breaking point was when I got the job with Union. We had a staff outing a few months after I started and there was drinking. Even though I had calmed down somewhat with the drunken sex, I was attracted to one of our maintenance men and we ended up sleeping together. I found out after the fact that he had a fiance. He didn't seem to care but I did. I had never stepped over the line like that, that I knew of at least, and I ended up telling her what happened. To my surprise she knew he was a cheater and was grateful that I had told her. But if she had told Union I would have lost my job because office relationships are a no go."

I had every intention of only saying about half of that to Natalie, but it felt good to get it off my chest. She was easy to talk to and a good listener.

"Goodness girl, is that all?" She laughed and smiled at me. "Abby, shit happens. You were young and traumatized by your dad's death and then finding out about your possible infertility. I probably would have done the same thing. Your friends were jerks. They should have had an intervention or something, but you know what they say: young and dumb, that's it."

"I didn't mean to lay all of that out there but now you know. Now that I am older it's more the infertility thing. I've had relationships but when I feel myself falling for someone I run because I feel like I'm broken in some way."

"If someone is in love with you, they will accept your fertility issues and stick by you no matter what happens."

"Yeah, I know, but I just don't want to have that conversation. It's like, oh hey I know we're falling in love but wait a second I hope you don't want babies or want to spend thousands to have one with me because, well, my shit is broken." I started to tear up.

Natalie got up, came to my side and gave me a big hug.

"Abby, you're good people. You won't have to run forever." She hugged me tighter and I started to feel some relief.

"In the meantime, let's get a shot. I think we could both use another."

The night started to turn around after that. I felt a great weight lifted off my shoulders and before I knew it, we had downed two margaritas and three shots of tequila each. Natalie looked at the clock and motioned to leave and I agreed. Staggering to my feet from the chair, I watched Natalie stumble a little as she got up making it clear she was at my level of drunk too.

We walked the short distance back to the condo, hugged goodbye, and went our separate ways. I stopped midway in the hallway and went out the lobby doors instead. I wasn't ready to go home yet and needed fresh air.

I made my way down the street across from my complex. The houses were mansions; each of them with beautifully lit landscaped yards.

One house that caught my eye had a for sale sign in the yard. It was stunning. This one was the biggest on the street, three stories high and the outside was a shade of gold with a dark orange roof. This type of house is what I imagined Nick would live in. Maybe even with me one day.

I went around to the side to see the rest of it and noticed a dock going to a small inlet. I imagined what it would be like to take my nonexistent children boating alongside my husband. Although I dreamt of it, I never planned out my life due to my infertility. Breaking down my walls with Natalie and opening up had me thinking of the life I could have. That is if I ever stopped pushing every man I started to have feelings for away.

As I approached the dock, I saw the no trespassing sign nailed to the post. I know trespassing is illegal but if nobody lives there, I should be good, right? I went to the end of the dock and sat down, letting my feet hang off of the edge, taking in the dazzling lights that lit each house around the water. I felt at ease, and it could have been the alcohol, but I was hopeful that my talk with Natalie was big step in getting my happy ending.

The next set of lights I saw did not give me the same feeling.