Unbreakable Currents

Chapter 23

The drive back to my mom's at the end of the day was long and uneventful. I thought about Nick confronting me about my infertility and what a big step that was for him. I wanted him to put in more effort and communicate and when he did, I shut him down. Maybe I wasn't giving him the chance he deserved. But I was scared to break down my wall further for him in case he bailed again.

"How was your day?" Nick and I entered the house as my mom was pulling a casserole out of the oven.

"Busy. What are you making?" I sat down at the table and Nick took the seat next to me.

"Spaghetti Bake. Are you guys going to go through with the buy, Nick?"

"I think so. The property looks decent enough and with the right staff it could be very profitable."

"That's good news. Well, dig in kids before it gets cold."

We finished dinner and my mom disappeared to the living room to watch T.V while Nick and I cleaned up the kitchen.

"Did you like your dinner?" I figured I would start out small and hopefully move up to the bigger conversation we still needed to have.

"Yeah, it was good." Nick's voice was soft, and his expression was desolate.

"I think we should finish these up and talk." I was hopeful he would agree.

"Yep." It wasn't the enthusiastic answer I was looking for, but it would have to do.

I decided outside would be the best place in case things got heated and I didn't want my mom to eavesdrop.

"There is a fire pit out back. I am going to change, and I will meet you out there."

I gathered some wood and a blanket and started a fire. We sat on the glider swing and I tried to prepare my words.

"I want to apologize for earlier. I was being a hypocrite telling you to communicate and then shutting you down."

"It's no big deal."

"Yes, it is. I should have answered you and yes, I decided to swim instead of sink. After a few mishaps, of course.

"Mishaps?"

"I spun out of control a little bit when I found out about the infertility and my dad had just died. I was a mess."

"Why didn't you tell me you lost your father?"

"I don't know, it's just not something I advertise. People always feel bad for you when you lose a parent young and I don't want pity. Everything I've been through has made me a strong person."

"When you go through something traumatic at a young age it does make you stronger as an adult." Nick sounded like he knew from experience, but I didn't dwell on it. I needed to get this conversation over before I changed my mind about sharing this part of me with him and while I was still prepared for the repercussions.

"Exactly. The infertility is caused from a disease called Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. There are small cysts on my ovaries, but they are non-cancerous. It's not that I can't have kids at all, it just won't be as easy as some because I don't ovulate. I am on birth control to keep me regulated. When I took the pregnancy test, I knew it would be negative, but I still have to be cautious." I spoke fast so I could explain most of it before he had a chance to comment.

Nick sat still and studied my face. "I'm glad you told me."

"That's it? You're not going to try and search for the first flight home?"

"No. And there is no reason to be an ass. Any guy would be upset if they found a pregnancy test in their girlfriend's trash." I could tell he was agitated by the way he started fidgeting with his hair.

"Sorry, I was trying to lighten the mood. That came out wrong. I just mean the first time-." Nick cut me off before I could finish the statement.

"I know I should have stayed to discuss it when you first told me."

"Why didn't you?"

"Abby, there is a lot we both don't know about each other. Everyone has a past. I have never not used a condom and I have always made sure any woman I am with is on birth control for extra protection."

"But we only used a condom once. What is so different with me?"

"The first time in your kitchen I couldn't stop. And then when I did use one the second time, I hated that I couldn't feel you. I've never lost control like that with anyone I have ever been with. I have told you before, I like to be in control of my life. I try hard to not put myself in situations where I can't be. With you, it seems to all go out the window." Nick smiled and I giggled at him. I wanted to be frustrated at him for his lack of details, but I swallowed the feeling. He was being sincere. I knew Nick was trying to explain himself without giving too much away. The walls we had both built was thick like the smoke from the fire pit.

"I liked it better without too."

"So, we agree on something." Nick seemed just as surprised as I was.

"I told you on the boat I don't know what I'm doing. Relationships aren't really something I do, and I know I hurt you. That was the last thing on earth I wanted."

"I just need you to process what I've said. And there are still so many things I want to know about you. I think we are going at a good pace but jumping back into a relationship wouldn't be smart for either of us." My voice was unsteady. I wanted to believe the words I was saying but I also desperately wanted to be with him.

"Speak for yourself. I want to be with you even after you telling me about the infertility stuff. It's like you're punishing me. We can figure all the past bullshit out as we go." His voice was raised, and he stood up from the swing.

"The past bullshit has a lot to do with who you are. And you make my head spin with your different moods. I can't live like that. If you opened up maybe I would understand but you won't." I got off the swing so I was facing him, and he could see the hurt I knew was reflected in my eyes. I couldn't swallow all my frustration.

"You're one to preach about opening up. If it hadn't slipped out, would you have told me about your Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome?"

"Yes, I would have." I lied

"I don't believe you."

"Well, it doesn't matter either way because you know and it's your turn to share."

"This conversation is going nowhere. You didn't want me to run and here I am and you're still acting like we can't be together."

"You don't get it. I am trying to break down these walls I built years ago and you're not doing the same for me. You make me want to open up and be better but apparently I don't do the same for you." I was yelling at the top of my lungs in my backyard and was concerned my mom would come outside. "I'm going to bed."

I left Nick standing in the backyard and retreated back to the house. Luckily my mom had not heard the commotion outside. I said goodnight to her and ran to my room, shoving my face into my pillow to muffle the sobbing.

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The next morning, I peeled my swollen eyes open and felt like I hadn't slept one minute. I laid there for a while longer before getting up. Nick would have already left for the complex and relief swept over me. I was tired of our daily confrontations and needed a break.

"Good morning. You slept in." My mom was a morning person and she always sounded cheerful. I was the opposite. I was grouchy and needed coffee.

"Nick left for those apartments in Florence and said he would be back around five so you guys could make your flight back to Florida."

"Great," I said sarcastically. The thought of being in the tight space of an airplane with him made me uneasy.

"Well, let's get a move on. I want to spend the last few hours I have with my girl shopping and eating." She got up out of her chair and headed to the bathroom to get ready.

"Okay." I tried to sound excited for her but it was a reach. Instead of shopping I should have suggested we go somewhere where there is a punching bag so I can picture Nick and sock the hell out of him for being so difficult.