Unbreakable Currents

Chapter 30

I got back to work and hid in my office. Our food hadn't arrived, but I had to get out of there. I couldn't imagine listening to Nick continue on about how my infertility was a positive thing for him. I shouldn't have expected him to want kids with me, but he had said I made him different and he had thrown away many of his "rules" to be with me.

"Who is it?" A knock at my door made jump and I was praying it wasn't Nick.

"It's Nat, can I come in?"

"Yeah."

Natalie walked in and she looked concerned. I had walked silently past her when I arrived back.

"Are you alright? You look sick."

"I've been better." I hadn't cried yet because I felt numb.

"What's going on?"

With a trembling voice I said, "Nick basically said it was good news for him that I had PCOS."

"Seriously. There is no way he said that. Are you sure that's what he meant?"

"He explained a freak out he had the first time we were together and then said he did it again when he saw the pregnancy test. He ended the conversation by saying good news is it shouldn't happen again because I know it's harder for you to get pregnant, or something close to that. He said he couldn't take the chance that if we broke up, he would never see his baby or that I could miscarry."

"Why would he think you would never let him see your kid? Jesus! And a miscarriage? That's pretty negative."

"He got a girl pregnant when he was 17 and she gave it up for adoption. There's a lot more to the story but that's where his control issues stem from. He doesn't want to take the chance again of losing his say or rights as a parent. I didn't tell you earlier today because honestly, I feel like even though he told me all of that, the shoe was going to drop. Once again." I threw my hands up in frustration.

"Why didn't you just tell me that earlier? I didn't mean to be pessimistic about your relationship. You guys are just on this crazy ass roller coaster. It's not healthy and I think I am a bit to blame.

"You are not to blame. You just told me he loved me and made me realize I was in love with him too. I would have gone back to him either way. I had to see what we could be."

"And now what do you do?"

"I don't know. I thought because of all that he would want a second chance at the life of having kids and a family, but he doesn't. I fall more and more in love with him every day, but I know I do want that life someday." The tears started to form when I thought about not having that with Nick.

"I know that's what you want. Can you deal with being with someone who doesn't?"

Tears started pouring down my cheeks and I sighed. "No, I don't think I can. I guess that's it then."

"Did you break up with him at lunch?"

"No. I just told him I couldn't listen to him anymore. I said I didn't feel well and had to go. He stood up to walk me out, but I told him not to follow me."

"Do you think he knows it's over?"

"I don't know. He knew I was upset, and I made a few comments about what he said but who knows."

"Well, I don't know what to say but if you need me, let me know. I am going to get back to work. Maybe you should go work from home. Put on your give up pants and relax."

"I think your right. Thanks Natalie, I will call you later."

I left my office and headed straight to my condo. I wanted to go see Nick and get the breakup conversation over with, but I was stalling. The last thing I wanted was to not be with him, but I knew he could never give me what I wanted. My disease would make having a baby harder, but I didn't want to be with a man who didn't even want to try.

I sat on my patio and watched parents play with their kids at the pool. It lightened my mood and it gave me further confirmation that I wanted kids and family. The thought of taking my kids on vacation with my loving husband made me giddy. Although I would be left heartbroken, I knew what I had to do.

I became panicked when I saw Nick approaching my patio. I guess I was going to have to deal with him sooner than I wanted.

"Hey." His voice was quiet and somber.

"Hey." I mimicked his tone.

"I went to see you at the office, but they said you came home and I knocked but you didn't answer. I know you may not want to talk but we need too."

"We can talk." I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the fall down.

"I love you, more than I thought I could ever love someone."

"I know. I love you too." Water filled my eyes and I felt like I was going to lose it. I wanted to keep this short and sweet and him confessing his love for me wasn't helping me stay strong and according to plan.

"But I can't give you want you want. When you told me about your disease, you seemed like you had come to terms with it all. I was dumb not to ask."

"Yes, you were. And I was dumb to not ask you about what you wanted for your future when you told me you're past. I figured you would want a second chance to do it right."

"I decided a long time ago to never take that chance."

"And even though you're in love with me you still feel that way?"

"Yes." Nick rested his arms on his knees and cupped his face in his hands.

"I want a family and yes it may be difficult to conceive but I want a man who wants to fight that battle with me. I'm sorry that won't be you." I looked at him and tried to hold back the tears but felt one slide down my cheek. I continued, "I'll see you around."

I walked inside and shut the door behind me, locking it. Nick was still sitting on my patio, but I didn't care. I wouldn't go back out there and plead for him to change his mind. He had made his decision years ago and although it was difficult, I had to make mine today. I was devastated but I had to stay strong. If he wouldn't bend for me, I wouldn't do the same for him.