I NEED YOU NOW||KNJ||✔️

Chapter 4 (Thu, Dec 7, 2017)

During the whole weekend and the first half of the next week, I studied almost every minute. Only in the mornings and in the evenings I was able to text a few short messages. I continued to text in Korean to John, most of the time just wishing him a good day or night and thanking him for doing so likewise. My euphoric feeling about communicating with a real Korean weakened more and more and I started to ask myself if it really had been a good idea from the start. 

Yes, we texted in Korean, but it was never more than just a few polite words. It didn't help me at all to improve my Korean and I assumed that John was already bored by me.

Ashley still tried to talk to me every day, she even tried to get my number multiple times, but I didn't give it to her. Too big was my fear that my mother would find out and prohibit it.

The weather was getting colder and it snowed more often. I got excited every time I saw the campus under a heavy snow blanket. Unfortunately, I could only enjoy the snow on my way to the university and back to the apartment. And even then I wasn't able to smile and show my feelings, since I was afraid someone would notice a tiny crack in my carefully built facade.

When I came back to the apartment on Thursday after a tiring lesson full of different methods of radiology, I wanted nothing more than just throw me on my bed and sleep. But I was instantly revived when I looked at my phone's screen and saw that I had received text messages from John while being in university. I wondered why he would text me at that time. My phone had received those messages at 2 PM, meaning that in Korea it had been 4 AM when he had sent them. Curiously I opened the chat.

John:
Hi Viola. I'm sorry to talk to you about this, but I just have to tell this to a person I don't know, a person who doesn't know me either and who will just listen. Probably you're currently studying, I hope it doesn't bother you.

The thing is... I have an exhausting work. I work basically every minute, from the moment I wake up early in the morning to the moment I fall asleep late at night. Often, I'm happy with the result of my work and others are too. But I'm never completely satisfied. Notwithstanding all the hard work, the result is never enough for me. After accomplishing the tasks, I always think that I could have done been better. Many people look up to me but many criticize me too, and I'm afraid that I will disappoint them one day and they will leave me because of it.

Sometimes I hate my life. I hate living this way.

Sorry for writing all of this to you. I shouldn't bother you with my problems. I just stayed up all night thinking about my life and asking myself if I'm truly happy.

After reading his messages, I stared in empty space. Wasn't he exactly describing my own problems? 

Working hard in every given minute, being heavily criticized and not being completely satisfied with the result of the exhausting work made out the biggest part of my life. 

It took me a while to think about what I could text back, but then my fingers seemed to dance over the keyboard.

Me:
I don't know if this will help you, but I feel exactly the same way. People expect very much from me and I have to work hard to accomplish it. Besides studying, I don't really have a life and the heavy criticism I always get makes me unable to be satisfied with myself.

I'm sorry, but I can't find soothing words. I can't say that everything will be fine because that's not the truth and I can't promise you that. But if you need someone to share your worries with, I'll be there for you.

I promise to keep your worries a secret.

With that being sent, I locked the screen and laid the phone on the dining table. My thoughts were interrupted by my grumbling stomach, so I went to the kitchen to start cooking. At least, that was what I intended.
Because when I opened the fridge, there was no food inside. I groaned in annoyance. 

Apparently, I had forgotten to buy groceries yesterday. Great, now I would have to go grocery shopping!

Minutes later, I found myself walking through the blending snow, my boots making crunchy noises while leaving small bootprints. The grocery store was very near to my apartment, so I didn't need to take a train and instead was able to walk there and enjoy the snow. I chose a way where not many people would walk to make sure that I could enjoy the snow without worrying that someone could see my facade fall.

When I reached a small park, that was during summer full of flowers but now showed a peaceful white landscape, I saw a reddish-brown squirrel trying to dig a nut out of the frozen ground. I stopped my walk to watch it. The cute energetic squirrel managed to get the nut out of the ground and hopped away, leaving little footprints behind, white snow coloring the reddish fur. I had to smile at the cute scene. I wanted to draw the lively squirrel out of my memory, but then I realized that there was no time to do so. So I started to walk to the shop at a fast pace, leaving the peaceful scenery behind.

When I entered the shop, I was greeted by a gust of warm and dry air. First, I felt as if I couldn't breathe and my panicked form tried to catch a breath, then I thankfully felt my lungs slowly getting used to the warmth. 

Walking quickly, I searched for the food section. I thought of making Bibimbap, a dish that came from Korea. Now that I had a Korean texting partner, I wanted to try Korean dishes and Bibimbap had a big variety of ingredients, which was good for a healthy diet. Therefore I bought meat, carrots, bean sprouts, of course rice and much more.

After paying, I made my way to exit the shop but stopped when I heard someone call my name.

"Hey, Victoria!"

Startled by the voice calling my name, I turned around. Ashley stood at a register and waved me, a hopeful smile on her face. 

I didn't know what to do with her. I wanted to rather stay away from her, knowing that she searched for my companion. She always approached me, not caring for my rejection, and tried to talk to me. But I was afraid that she would notice how mentally broken I was and my mother had also prohibited any relationship, so I always tried to escape her. 

I pulled myself together. My mother was living far away, she would never know if I would make a friend. 

I wanted to gain independence and here was my chance to finally have a friend.

___

1211 words

Look at the cute squirrel above!!! I know, this type of squirrel isn't typical in the USA, it's a European squirrel, but I think the European squirrels are cuter!🥺

Thank you so much for reading this book! You nice! Keep going! I purple you!!!<3

Website of the picture: https://www.planet-wissen.de/natur/tierwelt/tiere_im_wald/pwieeichhoernchen100.html