I NEED YOU NOW||KNJ||✔️

Chapter 5 (Thu, Dec 7, 2017)

"Why are you here?" Ashley asked, a friendly smile on her face.

I was confused by her question. Wasn't it obvious? After all, we were in a grocery store and in my hands, there were shopping bags full of food!

But maybe that was what people call 'small talk'. Unfortunately, I wasn't really experienced in having conversations like that, therefore I was lacking at conversation rules.

"Yes, I... uhm. I'm shopping for groceries," I answered, feeling a bit lost.

"Cool!" she exclaimed with way too much enthusiasm and there was an awkward pause before she continued: "What will you cook today?"

This conversation was not leading to anything. Why was she even trying?

"Bibimbap."

"It's an Asian dish, right?" I could see the curiousness in her brown eyes.

"Korean, to be exact."

"Oh, wow. I would love to try Korean dishes. But I'm too lazy to choose a recipe from the internet." She laughed.

I had to respond somehow, so I showed an uneasy smile.

"Why are you trying Korean dishes? Do you like the culture?" she continued to ask, while I just wanted this awkward conversation to stop. I felt all my energy slowly draining because it took all my effort to overcome my social awkwardness and not to show a cold face.

Ashley seemed to notice my struggle because I saw her eyes softening. "Are you okay, Victoria?"

Immediately I straightened my back like my mother had taught me to do and closed every crack in my facade. I wore a cold expression.

"I'm fine, thank you," I answered shortly.

She sighed and I could see the empathy in her eyes when she said: "I know you're not okay and I want to help you. You can trust me."

I took a shaky breath and managed to keep looking into her eyes when I said: "I don't need your help."

With that being said I made my way out of the shop, escaping her warm presence that made me feel so insecure.

I walked at a fast pace to the apartment. While walking, I struggled to fight my way through the mass of people, Boston was full of tourists who wanted to take a picture of the beautiful scenery. It was annoying, but honestly, who was I to forbid them to come here? They were right to come here if they just wanted to admire the scenery.

During the walk, I let my mind wander but still paid attention not to show my feelings. Day by day it was more and more difficult to maintain the image of a strong independent student and I was afraid my mother would notice my struggle somehow.

I needed someone to talk to and I already knew who would listen to me. When I came back to the apartment, I took my phone out of the pocket of my jacket and sat on the couch.

The phone notified me that I had gotten a new message while I had been shopping.

John:
Thank you very much for your understanding. I can also be a good listener to your worries if you want me to.

I felt relieved that he wanted to be what I needed right now, someone who listened to my problems and tried to understand me.

Me:
My whole life I've built up a facade to prevent people from knowing me truly. I'm broken internally and I don't want anybody to notice it. I feel safe to talk to you because I don't know you, but with other people, I just try to maintain a cold facial expression and a polite, impersonal smile because I don't want them near me.

These days, a girl from university approaches me constantly and I want her to stay away because she seems to notice how broken I am. I don't know what to do about her. She's nice and seems to have good intentions, but I'm afraid that she'll stab me in the back and tell someone my secrets if I open up to her.

I overcame the urge to delete the very personal message and clicked the send button before I could reconsider my decision. The app confirmed that I really had sent the text to him and I stared at the screen for a while, waiting for an answer. Suddenly my growling stomach remembered me of the reason why I had gone to buy groceries in the first place. I wanted to stand up to begin the process of cooking Bibimbap but suddenly the notification went off.

John:
I know what it's like to only show a persona to other people. I'm doing it every day in my job because I want to keep my privacy and my job separated. Maintaining that isn't always easy. I don't know what you experienced to become such an introverted person, but I think that you should give the girl the chance. If she's genuinely nice like you said, she would never let you down. She would try to help you find happiness.

My stomach grumbled again and I was finally in a state where I couldn't ignore my hunger any longer, so I stood up to cook something. While washing, cutting, cooking, and mixing the ingredients, I thought about what John had texted me.

Maybe he was right.

Maybe Ashley just wanted to help me.

Maybe I should open up slowly, step by step.

Maybe I should start to trust someone.

I thought of John. If he gave me advice, I wanted to get to know him better and I wanted to text him more often to practice conversation.

Me:
Hello John! I think you're right. Thank you for the advice!

I want to get to know you better, can we text each other more often?

_____

962 words

Hello lovely readers!!! Hope you eenjoyed this chapter!!!

Again I have to warn you: the story will contain triggering topics, so if you are sensitive to topics like abuse, suicidal thoughts and so on, please don't continue reading. But I promise that there will be a happy ending, because I hate bad endings.

Thank you for reading this story! You're so lovely, I'm so lovely, we're so lovely lovely lovely lovely!!! I purple you!!!💜