// It's just you and I tonight // (A Matty Healy Fanfiction)

Matty to stay: Day 3 continued

"Try to put yourself in the situation, Holly. The man you love, the only man you've ever loved has just been brutally murdered in the war! Okay? Now open the letter again. And read" Miss Carter says this slowly, in her dramatic voice she uses when directing. Her bangles jingle with the elaborate gestures she makes.
"Okay, I'll try" I smile a little, but inside I'm so frustrated. Why did I even audition for this?! I'm clearly not good enough to be able to play this part! How am I meant to sit here and cry about something from World War 1?! I have no idea what it's like to go through this! I breathe deeply and look back down at the brown envelope in my hands. I open it and pull the letter out.
"No no no!" Says Miss Carter "urgently, she knows what it is and wants to know this second!" I sigh and look out at the audience. The small auditorium contains the rest of the drama club and right at the back, Matty. He looks genuinely interested in what's going on which is good. He was amazed when I said I had the main part. Although, I know Miss only cast me because I looked right and not based on skill... I only agreed to do it because it's a "100 year anniversary since World War 1" Showcase thing and the teachers said that those who don't perform will have to pay £12 to attend!
I try again, opening the envelope rapidly and ripping out the letter, reading, and letting my face fall to confusion and then sadness.
"Better" she says, which from her is like winning an Oscar.
"Thanks" I smile awkwardly
"We will resume with yours and Ron's scene after a short break" she claps her hands together "off you go, cast!"
I walk up the graduated seating to where Matty is
"That was really fucking good, Hols" he smiles a little and a bit of life comes back into his voice
"You think so?!" I ask, smiling
"Yeah" he kisses me lightly "who's Ron and what's the scene?"
"Ohh... it's kind of a pre-sex scene... we make out in it... you can go outside and not see it if you want? It could be hard for you to-"
"I'm fine, Babe, honestly it's fine" I think back to a year ago in spin the bottle, or whatever it was, on Camp when me and George kissed and Matty got really awkward... I don't want a repeat of that!
"Seriously, go out for a smoke then come back and it'll be over!"
"No, I want to see it! C'mon I can handle that!" He smiles again and I have to give in, I haven't seen him smile at me in so long.
When the break is over I step onto stage with Ron. He's a tall, blonde, muscly 18-year-old in the year above. Like me, he was mainly picked for looks, he's actually a rugby player.
"Y'all right?" He mumbles with a slight smile
"Yep" I smile back
"Is that your boyfriend up there?" He gestures to Matty, who's looking at his phone
"Yeah, don't worry he said he's fine to watch it and he knows what it's about"
"Fair play... I'd be awkward myself!" He laughs a little.
"Okay you two!" Miss says "kiss once now, how you will, to relieve any awkwardness" I look at Ron and we passionately kiss, tounges and all, while the cast and Matty watch a little awkwardly
"Okay!" Miss says, and we pull apart "so let's run through this." she explains the routine of the sex scene. We're not at any point going to be fully naked or anything - I will have my top off when I have my costume bra - but it's more of a pre-sex kissing scene really. We've done it so many times now that it's normal and I'm not uncomfortable.
The scene begins with us saying a tearful goodbye as he's going to the front line tomorrow, then he suggests we "do it one last time" so we start kissing like we're going to and the lights go down as my top comes off. End of Act 1.
We start and just as the kissing begins and he gets on top of me, Matty walks out of the theatre. I look at him out of the corner of my eye, he doesn't look back he just walks out. The scene finishes as I mime removing my shirt and the cast clap. I run straight out to Matty.
"Babe are you okay?" I ask him, he's sitting slumped against the wall outside the door, tears in his eyes
"No I'm fucking not, Hols. I thought I'd be alright with that... but I'm really fucking not!"
"I'm sorry, I should've warned you more! It's understandable you're feeling a bit jealous!" He looks me right in the eyes
"I'm not jealous. I'm not. It's just... That guy, Rob or whoever he is... he's doing what I can't... what I haven't done to you in nearly six months... I saw it in your face, I know that look, Hols... you haven't given me that look in almost a year!"
"What look?!"
"The look that says you want to... that you really want to... that you're not forcing it or putting it on - you want me!" I fall silent, he's right.
"I do want you, I just didn't think you wanted me!"
"I do, I SO do, Hols, I just need you to want me... not just sex in general... do you get what I mean? I don't want to feel used because you haven't done it in a while!"
"....I'm not using you, I do want you! I'll leave this early now and we'll go home and it'll be perfect! Please?"
"Alright" he pauses before grinning properly for the first time in ages.
I run back in and say I have to go because I forgot I had the dentists. I apologise to everyone and grab my stuff as I run out, trying to hide my excitement. He's right, sometimes I've just felt like I wanted sex and not always particularly with him... it has been a while since I specifically wanted him I guess?!... but that's his fault for being away and not calling me, he's made me resent him a little...
We walk out of school, hand in hand for the first time in months. We chat and smile and it feels like Camp again! The only difference is his noticeably thinner frame and his occasional sniffing and itching of his nose. His shaking seems to have let up a bit and there's much more life in his eyes and expression. I'm happier than I've been with him in longer than I can remember. We choose to walk all the way back rather than getting the bus as it's a surprisingly warm and pleasant autumn evening. The sun sets gradually as we walk, filling the horizon with a red haze as the street lamps turn on.
We turn down an alley I always avoid walking alone. Sure enough, my reason for this lurks at the end of it. The local thugs from the council estate just out of town have a habit of gathering around there to do weed and God knows what... they'll always shout at you as you walk past, or try to sell you something dodgy. Last year Ben Myers, a boy in the upper sixth, paid them 10p short for some weed and they threw a brick through his living room window.
"Let's not go this way" I mumble, touching Matty's arm "I know them, come on, they'll say something"
"Nah, it's alright - I'm here! Come on" he smiles back at me reassuringly
"Eyyyy! Holly!" one shouts, he used to be in my Science before he was expelled. Matty turns to him and starts walking further up the alley towards them
"What you saying, mate?" He asks, a threatening tone to his voice
"Nothing 'mate'..." he mumbles, seeming slightly put off by Matty's boldness
"So can we walk through now without you bothering us?!" Matty asks again
"Sure, unless you're buying?" Another of them opens his backpack to reveal a selection of drugs. Matty's eyes light up.
"We're not." I snap at him "let's go" I lead Matty through the alley. That was close.
We get back to mine, trying to put the key in as quickly as we can, desperate to get in, giggling like little kids. As soon as I'm in the door I throw my stuff down and he picks me up, kissing me passionately and taking me into the living room. He throws me down on the sofa and dives on top of me, tearing off my blouse and burying his face in my chest. He starts biting me softly but the pressure and speed increases and I'm not sure I like it
"Slow... babe" I say breathlessly, but he doesn't slow down. He picks me up again and pushes me up against the wall, rapidly undoing my trousers as I undo his and not even bothering to take them off before starting. Its clumsy and frantic and a bit violent... I'm unsure. He starts and it seems aggressive and a little too much
"Gentle... slower... babe?!" I say but he's not listening, he's making loud and deep sounds that he's never made with me before. It starts to hurt a bit and I say to him "babe, SLOWER! MATTY!"
"Yeah, say my name!" He grunts
"No!" I shout, pushing him off and pulling up my underwear, as I scrabble around for my blouse in the dark room.
"Babe, what is it?" He says
"Fucking calm down and listen to me! That was hurting and I said it was but you didn't-" my voice catches in my throat and I can feel tears coming but I fiercely try to keep them back
"Babe, I'm sorry I got a little carried away I-"
"Yeah you really fucking did!" I rub a bite on my neck which is bleeding a little "I'm going to go take a shower" I say, running upstairs, silently crying.
____________________
THANKS FOR 17K!
VOTE IF YOU LIKED THIS!
Just to be clear - I'm not trying to make Matty out to be some kind of rapist here!!? It's the drugs and withdrawal that's making him behave that way! I just wanted to make that clear so that nobody was offended/confused about it.
Also, I may have to write less frequently as I have a job now (just in Tesco but it's a start!) BUT it should be fine and there will be no difference.
Love you!
Xxxxx