The Two of Us

The Return of PW

"—with all of those fuckers finally out of the way and their plans to turn your organs into festive necklaces ruined, y'all make your way out of the ramshackle -- and honestly, overall shitty -- cult's hideout and continue down the path."

The Dungeon & Dragons session started Saturday afternoon, and, so far, had lasted about three hours.

It became apparent very early on that the campaign my friends had going on was not a very serious one.

And by early on, I mean about two minutes into things being explained to me, which is when I learned that Blair's character was named 'The Penis Wizard'.

I gave her a look. She just shrugged and told me that Leslie gave her ten bucks to rename her character that.

I couldn't blame her for taking the cash and doing it, honestly.

I was actually tempted to come up with an equally stupid name for my character but ended up going with Barbara Skullsmasher. 

Well, actually, I suppose that name is equally as stupid. It was a combination of suggestions that I received from Freddy and Bon-Bon. I'm sure you can guess who came up with which part.

I chose to make Barbara a human, even though Leslie wanted me to make her a halfling because I'm, and I quote, "the exact same height as one and it'll make me connect with her more".

In case you don't know, halflings are like, three feet tall or some shit. In response, I flicked a couple of dice at her head and told her to suck my dick.

It's not my fault that all of my friends are fucking giants.

Except for Freddy, who was also short, and whose character actually was a halfling.

During the course of the three-ish hour session, I had died/almost died multiple times (because I'm an idiot who tries dumb shit) and Bon-Bon did too (because he was just trying to be an asshole).

Blair and Fallon, to what I'm sure is nobody's surprise, made most of the smarter decisions.

Everything that Leslie (the Dungeon Master) came up with was both what I expected, and also not at all what I expected.

I'd also like to note that it really did not take very long before mine and Blair's characters started trying to romance each other.

"The path takes a sudden turn and something strange comes into view. It's a symbol that's been traced into the dirt. It looks like a long, smooth, shaft and at one end, there's a couple of—"

"I swear, if you finish off that sentence with the word 'balls', I will hurt you," Blair interjected.

Leslie scoffed, "The hell? I wasn't gonna finish it off with the word 'balls', man. I was gonna finish it off with...spheres."

"Spheres, huh?"

"Yeah, spheres, 'cause—" Leslie was suddenly cut off by the sound of somebody singing a sea shanty.

"Is that Flynn?" Fallon raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, he insisted on recording that for me." She pulled her phone out of her pocket and answered the call. "What's up, my guy?"

After a few minutes of him talking, she spoke again.

"Okay, how in the actual fuck do you accidentally purchase 150 coconuts and why, pray tell, do you want me to help you get rid of them? I feel like you, Parker, and Warren always ask either Fal or me to help you when y'all do dumb shit."

Flynn said something else.

"Actually, dude, I'd beg to differ. We are not the only smart ones in the family. It's just Fallon. I'm a fucking moron."

Fallon lightly shoved her. "That's not true and you know it," they whispered.

"Yes, it is," Leslie whispered back to them before once again responding to Flynn. "Alright, fine, I'll help you with your stupid drupe problem."

And then she ended the call.

"So..." she slowly placed her phone down, "would any of you dudes be interested in helping me and Flynn transport 150 coconuts over to some sketch ass guy, whom he met through posting a Craigslist ad for said coconuts?"

"Yeah, why not?" I shrugged. "I'm sure that this'll be the only opportunity I'll get in my life to be in the presence of 150 coconuts all at once."

"I mean, you could probably get an experience similar enough to that by going to a grocery store," Blair pointed out, "but I still feel the need to go along with for the same reason."

"Y-YEAH, ME TOO! I LOVE DRUPES, AND COCONUTS ARE ONE OF MY FAVORITE KINDS! ALONGSIDE APRICOTS!"

"Uh... I'll help too."

"Okay then!" Leslie stood up, slamming her hands onto the table. "We'll continue this shit later!"

---------------------------

It's been a hot second since I've updated. I don't really have an excuse... I'm just a lazy motherfucker and get distracted very easily.

But, anyway, thanks to KingPagie for suggesting that the characters play Dungeons & Dragons. I meant to put this in the last chapter but forgot because I'm an absolute fool.

Oh, A N D, check out this rad as hell, absolutely wicked cool fanart that FuntimeFreaksXD made.

Thanks again, my guy.