The Old Tuck Shop

FORTY-SIX

I emerged from the hospital room slowly. Then, as the realisation of what had happened finally kicked in, I fell to my knees and began to crack.

Cal was dead.

And I was alone.

Completely alone.

The shock of the situation caused my breathing to get heavier, and heavier until breathing became a challenge. I leaned against the door frame to try and control it, but it did nothing to stop the thoughts flooding my head. Cal is dead, Cal is dead, Cal is dead. It was way too much to take in at once. With everything else happening around me, my head couldn't take all the stress, but somehow I managed to cram it in, anyway.

My main concern was what was going to happen to me. Cal had let me live and eat in his home without a cost. Sure, I had some money but it wasn't nearly enough to try and run a business by myself. What was going to happen to me? I couldn't live there all by myself, and I couldn't stay at Josh's or a friend's house every night, despite the handful of new people I've met. It wouldn't be fair on them, or their parents. It was hopeless. Every idea I had would never work, and I was running out of options.

My best option was to go back to the care home, but would Agatha even take me back? I figured it was the coward option considering everything I've put her through over the past month or so. She had a heart of gold and the best intentions, and my frustration got the better of me, leaving me homeless and her terrified. It was stupid for me to get Ton involved in this whole mess. I can't even imagine what he's been through, and how much trouble he's been in. But even if Agatha did take me back, I'd feel guilty and like I'd let down the only woman who's only wanted the best for me. For now, I kept that as a final, desperate option.

I walked back into the waiting room and collapsed into Denise's arms. My eyes were already flooding with tears, and the touch of her hand on my back just made the tears run faster. It was comforting but bittersweet. She pressed my head against her chest as if silencing my tears. I wrapped my arms around her waist, and let the moment happen; as horrible as it was.

She already knew that he was gone from the look in my eyes and the way I reacted. Lewis ran into his room and yelled for help, but again, it was no use. It reminded me of the night my mother abandoned me. The way I held Denise was the way I held my mother until she left. Inevitably I knew she would leave eventually, but differently to my mother, she comforted me until I was relatively okay. As okay as I made out to be, anyway.

She had offered to drive me back to Cal's, but I realised that I was better off on my own right now. If she had known about my situation, I'm sure she would've offered to look after me just like Cal did, but that wouldn't have been her problem to solve. Instead, I took the bus home and pressed my face into my backpack the whole journey home. I was never comfortable crying in public, and today was not the day to face my fears. It attracted too much-unwanted attention, and I wasn't in the mood for people to ask me what's wrong and pity me.

I stumbled out of the bus and put up my hood. It started to rain; as if the weather was working together with my emotions to make me feel worse than I already did. I dried the tears from my cheeks and wiped my eyes. The fact that Cal was gone had hit me, but with everything else going on in my life right now, I didn't have the energy to fully take it in.

I made my way to the front door, before spotting Poppy sitting on the front steps.

I sighed deeply. "Poppy, I'm not in the mood. Just go." She stood up, pushed down my hood, and looked at me closely as if inspecting me. I shook her hand off my face and grabbed the keys from my pocket.

"I tried ringing the house phone," Poppy said, trying to change the subject, "but Cal didn't answer. I assumed he was with his daughter or something..."

I sighed and held back my tears that were eager to just pour out. "No."

She narrowed her eyebrows and placed her hand on my shoulder, "Finn, if this about what I said this morning...I'm sorry...I wasn't thinking..."

"Cal is dead," I managed to say. As if they were the only words my mouth would allow out.

"What?" she muttered.

"Cal is dead," I repeated. "Cal is dead! Cal is dead! Cal is dead!" I yelled, slamming my fist against the door, my voice getting increasingly louder as the fact cemented in my brain.

She placed her arms around my waist and held me tightly.

"I can't stop seeing it in my head," I cried, hitting my forehead, "Get out! Get out! Get out!"

"Sh...it'll be alright," she tried comforting me, pulling my hands away.

"No, it won't," I swallowed. "First I lose my mother...then Mabel...and who next?...you?" I cried, releasing myself from her embrace.

"You're not going to lose me, Finn," she said.

"Everyone I love gets taken from me," I swallowed, my eyes filling up with tears.

"That's not true."

"Yes, it is."

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is," I repeated. I collapsed onto the steps outside of the tuck shop and cupped my hands in her face.

"Do you remember when we met?" I sniffled, "I was just a worthless runaway begging for money..." I tried to smile, "...and then you came."

Her lips quivered.

"And you showed me something that I thought I could never have. You showed me love, Poppy. This big, brilliant feeling that I thought I would never have..."

"Because I love you," she cried, "I love you," she repeated, hoping that her words would stop me from leaving.

I leaned my forehead against hers, "But you were too good for me. I'm too broken for you. You deserve way better than this dumb care kid."

"But I need this dumb care kid," Poppy cried, "I need you. I need you. I need you!"

"No, you don't. You have a wonderful family that loves you. I don't belong there."

She grabbed my arm, "It doesn't matter what my brother or my dad thinks of you. Aren't I all you need?"

"Sometimes it just isn't enough," I sighed.

"You can't do this! You can't leave me here like this!" she sobbed, all hope now gone from her eyes.

"When I went to see Cal, he made me promise that I would never let you go..."

She stared up at me.

I sighed, removing her grip from my arm. "But I just can't. I don't belong here with you."

"Please."

"I love you, Poppy. But I need to let you go," I kissed her one last time and started walking away from her.

I could hear her cries, but I refused to look behind me, thinking it'd make me feel worse than I already did. Every time she cried "Finn!" and "I love you!" felt like hot knives jabbing through my heart. Once I had gathered enough distance from her, that I was certain she couldn't see me. I looked back at her. Despite the storm, I could see her. She sat with her legs pressed up into her chest. In a way, she reminded me of how my mother looked the night she abandoned me, even though now I was the one running away.

I bit my lip and turned away, heading for the only other place I could call home.

My final option had now turned into my only option.