baby honey

five

A/N Sorry this took so long! University has been kinda really fucking stressful and the world has just been quite sad and scary and complicated as you all are probably well aware of! I just wanted to be in the right head space to give you guys something good. And I hope I've done that!

Stay safe you guys. Hug your loved ones tightly. Wash your fucking hands. Be kind to each other. Love you all xxx

I always used to dread going up to see mum for a lot of reasons. I never used to know if she was having a good day or a bad day, if I was going to visit the mum I know and love or if I would be getting a complete stranger who despised me. There have been times when I've sat on the train riding back into London, crying quietly to myself after hearing her angry words. I've never known her to be an angry woman, but there were times that she lashed out at me when I've come to see her.

But I'm choosing to be positive this time around. Her medication has been working really well for her for the last few months, the reports about her progress that the doctors have sent me are all very positive, and the last time I saw her she was looking like the mum I used to know. Maybe this is a new start for her and I, a new start where I can finally talk to her about all the things that have been bothering me for almost a decade.

I round the corner and come face to face with a large white building with a cottage built front just up the path from a supremely well kept garden. I suddenly remember bringing my mum here nearly 4 years ago, maybe a couple of coats of paint being the only difference between then and now. I take a deep breath as I walk into the sliding glass doors and walks towards the office to check in as a visitor.

"Hi, I'm here to see Claudia Graham" I say after the receptionist greets me. Thankfully, it's the nice one and not the old bat who sometimes works out the front.

"Wonderful, you're her daughter correct?" She asks with a warm smile as she types into the computer. Some of the patients aren't allowed visitors. One time I was turned away because my mother was undergoing an evaluation and was in no condition to see anyone.

"Yes, Elena" I reply as she nods her head, clicking away at the incredibly loud keyboard. Another woman in a nurses uniform is filing some papers in a big cabinet behind the desk. The ugly grey cabinet sits flush against a bright yellow wall; I get that in a place like this you want to keep things bright and happy, but this yellow is almost too bright, like it's mocking me with its happiness.

"Excellent. If you just sign in here" she slides a visitors booklet towards me with a pen attached to it by a string. I pick up the pen and scribble down my information as she hands me a visitors pin I have to wear for the remainder of my visit. I take a quick scan of the other visitors names, not very many people have come to see their relatives this last week. Although I'm not one to judge, my last visit here would have been months ago.

"Thank you very much! I believe Miss Graham is in the courtyard, that's where she is normally on a day like this" She smiles at me as I thank her and head through a set of double doors behind me. The weather is uncharacteristically nice for late March, I can see why mum would be taking advantage of it. I turn the corner past the pool where a group of three woman slowly swim laps to find my mum curled up in an armchair under an umbrella, her frail fingers clutched tightly around a book. Her long blonde hair is pulled tightly away from her face in a high pony tail as her body hunches over the book. When I'm about to reach her chair, she moves her eyes off of the page and they meet mine. Her expression instantly changes from one of intense concentration to excited relief.

"There's my angel" She grins widely, placing her book down after placing the bookmark in the spine. The blanket that was wrapped around her shoulders falls to the seat as she stands and wraps her bony arms around me and squeezes me tight. It takes all of the strength I still have within me not to burst into sobs the second I'm in her arms. After all of this sadness and heartache that I've put myself through, I really needed a good mummy cuddle.