Come into the Water

chapter forty one

"Nat?"

Rafael looked at me in confusion, rubbing his tired eyes. He looked scruffy, his hair messy, and clothes disheveled like he had just woken up. He glanced behind me, almost expecting to see Aries and Silas with me like they usually were. But I didn't go back home like I originally planned. As soon as I left my job, I hopped on the train straight to Lila's.

"Were you sleeping?" I asked, checking my phone briefly.

It was only 10:30 at night. I could've made a joke about how they were turning into an old married couple. But I wasn't in the mood to joke around. I didn't want to be negative, but I had a lot on my mind.

"Kind of," he admitted. "Lila had her nephew over earlier and he kind of wore us out." He took a step back, gesturing for me to come in. I took a step in, shutting the door behind me. When I turned around, he was standing there uncharacteristically quiet and a serious look on his face. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head, offering him a simple shrug. "No. I'm not," I admitted. "Can you get Lila?"

He seemed hesitant, angling his body away from me to leave before he stopped. "Did Silas or Aries do something?"

"No," I mumbled.

"Do they know you're here?"

"No."

"Are you in any immediate danger?"

I cracked a soft smile. "No, Rafael."

"I'll get Lila."

I sat down on the couch, almost feeling like a stranger in my best friend's apartment. I had been here many times, countless times. There had been many instances where I had been over to Lila's or Lila had been over to mine to vent. But this was nearly a life or death situation. I felt plagued. I probably should have went home to Aries and Silas but I couldn't face them. Not like this. I felt too emotional. Too all over the place.

Lila came in not even seconds after Rafael had left to get her. He gave us our space and I respected him for it. But I wondered what he thought as Silas and Aries' friend. Would he go back and tell them before I could even get home? I wouldn't expect any less, truly. And it was fair.

Lila looked worried immediately. I had shown up to her apartment countless times unannounced. But I assumed that Rafael had warned her that I wasn't my usual self. She sat next to me, seemingly apprehensive.

"Are you pregnant?" She asked quietly.

I nearly snorted. "Lila, no."

"Oh, thank God," she let out. "I just thought..."

"No, no," I managed to laugh. "Don't worry about that. No baby."

"Then what is it?" She asked.

"I was at work and Samael was there," I said, letting out a sigh. "I just can't catch a break. Every time things are looking good, something bad has to happen. I don't get it. Why can't he just leave me alone?" I huffed, leaning forward and resting my elbows on my knees. "I don't want to have his fucking antichrist. He even offered me immortality, Lila. I don't want to end the fucking world. But I want to be with Silas and Aries, and I don't think he'll let me unless I do what he wants."

Lila looked both concerned and a little hesitant. "Are you actually thinking about...doing it?"

"No. It's not even a question. But...I'd like to dream that just for a moment that this could last forever. That Silas, Aries, and I can grow old together and do normal human things like...travel, tell my parents about our relationship...maybe even have kids. It's not fair. I don't want this to end. But it can't last forever."

She let out a small sigh. "I know what you mean. But why don't you try to live in the present? Why are you even thinking about the end?"

"I don't know. I've never felt this way before, Lila. It's scary. Is this how you feel with Rafael? If not, how do you not overthink everything?" I slumped back into the couch.

"Because I realized it does me no good," she shrugged. "I just plan on enjoying it while it lasts, you know? I don't want to look back and regret how much I worried about things about things that were out of my control. It's really not worth it."

"Do you want kids with Rafael?"

She looked thrown off guard. She blushed immediately, looking over at the room door that was shut where Rafael was. She shrugged a little. "Yes. A little Raf and me running around?" She sighed in delight. "We talked about it. Because that's what people do when they're in relationships. Communicate." She sent me a pointed look. "You know who you should be talking to? Them. You know I love you and you can vent to me any time, but you need to let them know how you're feeling."

"I know that you're right..." I trailed off. "But with all of that going on in my head...I still don't know how to get Lucifer off of my ass. I'm scared that he'll hurt me...But I'm more scared that he'll hurt them or kill them. Because of me..." The wave of emotions that I felt crashed down on me and I just let it. One tear slipped out and then a couple more followed. Lila shifted closer to me, but allowed me enough space to where I didn't feel boxed in. Her ability to read me and what I most needed was always so intimate, so refreshing, and something that I most appreciated with her.

"You need to let them know how you're feeling," she told me softly. "Let them know all of the fears, the doubts, the worries, and the anxieties that you're feeling. Let them know about what happened today and talk about a way to get out of this mess. You know this is what you have to do, and you know that they would do anything to keep you safe."

"That's part of the problem," I mumbled, lowering my eyes. "They'll prioritize my life over theirs and I don't want them to. They wouldn't even hesitate."

"Yeah..." She trailed off. "Unfortunately I don't think there's anything you can do about that."

I let out a prolonged sigh. "Can I stay the night?"

She nodded. "Of course you can. Don't even question that. I just have one question."

"No, I'm not going to tell Silas and Aries," J mumbled, already reading her mind. "But I figure that Rafael already told them."

"Did not," I heard Rafael shout from the other room.

I snorted. "I knew he was listening." I shook my head. "I'll just make myself comfortable on this couch."

"So is the reason why you don't want to go home is because you're stalling?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. "You can't avoid this, Natalia. Tomorrow you will be going home and talking to them about what happened and how you feel. Right?"

"Yes, mom," I muttered. "I will be going home to them tomorrow. Until then, Rafael, you can tell them I'm here."

The room door opened and Rafael stumbled out. "Why are you trying to get me involved? So that they can rip my head off when I don't tell them the truth as to why? You tell them."

"Wow, Rafael. I thought we were friends," I pouted.

He frowned. "I know what you're doing. Lila does the same exact thing. I'm going to bed."

I groaned as I watched him walk away. "I'll tell them..." I trailed off. "You can go to bed. I know you were probably sleeping when I came here. I'll be fine."

She seemed hesitant before standing up. She stood in front of me. "Actually tell them, Nat."

I nodded, smiling a little at her in reassurance. "I will."