F***in' Arizona

Straight from the Horse's Mouth Pt. 8 (Chapter 35)

Ari's P.O.V.

Relief.

I don't think I've ever felt this great of relief in my life. It's like a dark, heavy thick burden has been physically lifted from my back and shoulders and has allowed me to walk with a lighter step. It caused me to smile more today and to feel happier because my siblings don't hate me.

I know that it's going to take them a good minute to come to terms with my sexuality, and even longer to be able to completely trust me again since I was consistently lying to them, but I'm just thankful that I can be free around them now. I don't have to hide around them anymore. If they don't feel comfortable talking about it, I'll respect that, but if they do, I'm glad to know I can without judgement.

My parents, on the other hand, are a different story.

My mother tends to follow behind my father and almost anything he says. Which, understandable. That is her husband after all. She should have his back and follow behind and stand by him, but sometimes I just wish my mom would stand on her own two feet. That she would have her own separate opinion on things from my dad and come to her own conclusions. But...

My mom is very intelligent, opinionated, and independent when she wants to be. In her youth she definitely was more outspoken and wild, but since marrying my dad and raising kids, she has calmed down a lot and follows most of the things my father says.

I'd really like to talk to her alone though to see if I can get her real opinion.

Is she truly disappointed in me?

Does she hate me?

Does she wish I was never born?

Am I a disgrace in her eyes?

My father comes from a family where being gay, isn't a thing. It's not an option. Or at least, that's how the older generation of the family thinks.

I've got cousins who are part of the lgbtq+ spectrum, but I don't think very many of their families know. And if they do know, no one is mentioning it within the family.

My dad was also fairly wild in his youth and his parents HATED it. He would sneak out of the house, drink, do various 70s drugs, go to rock and hip hop concerts, and hook up with just about any girl he could, and yet, just the idea of one of his sons being gay or bisexual is atrocious.

I know my father is ashamed of me.

I know I am a disgrace in his eyes.

I'm sure he must hate me.

He might even be wishing right now that I was never even born. That he only had his perfect hetero children. I'm not shaming my siblings for being hetero, but I wish my dad didn't shame me for not being.

I could see it in his eyes. I could hear it in his tone. I could feel it in his body language. He was upset. In his view, his perfect baby boy was no longer perfect, and I hate that. It makes me feel disgusting. Like I'm covered in shit and stink like it.

I hope he has cooled down now at least some.

I hope he still loves me.

My dad is my rock. One of my best friends. My confidant. My shoulder to lean and cry on. My everything.

I can't lose him.

Nova, though. She will never understand how important she is to me or how happy and thankful I am that she is in my life. Especially now at this pivotal moment of key changes for me. I'm happy to have my siblings, but not as happy as I am to have her.