memories. h.s

Five

𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙋𝙏𝙀𝙍 𝙁𝙄𝙑𝙀

"𝘓𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘺 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘱𝘴 „ - 𝘏𝘰𝘥𝘢 𝘒𝘰𝘵𝘣

𝙇𝙞𝙡𝙡𝙞𝙚

I should've never sent that message.

"God dammit!" I yell throwing my arm over my eyes wincing at the pain causing me to remember what I did to myself.

I pick up my phone and tap on my friends contact. As it rings, I think about what I'm going to say without full on sobbing on the phone.

"Hey what's up?" She happily answers. "Can you come pick me up?" I sniffle into the phone silently scolding myself.

"Sure, are you okay?" Her tone changes to worry. "I'll explain in the car" I say not wanting to tell her anything over the phone.

"Okay I'm on my way, I'll be there in five" she says. After hanging up, I try to make myself look a little less scary looking and changing into different clothes. By the time I'm finished, she's already waiting outside in her car.

𑁍

"Hey what's wrong? You can talk to me" she gently rubs my arm in a comforting way as she drives. "I cut myself" I whisper ever so silently.

Saying it out loud for the first time made chills run through me making me feel sick to my stomach. She doesn't say anything except for take my hand in hers and lightly squeezing it as I silently cry.

"Come on let's go talk in my room, don't worry no ones home" she throws her arm around my shoulders helping guide me to her front door.

"Would you like anything to drink, eat?" She kindly offers. "No I'm good" I squeak out. "Okay" she whispers. Taking my hand, she guides me into her room where we both take a seat on her bed.

"Tell me whatever you want to tell me, just know I won't judge you, I don't think this makes you anything less than you are. I am all ears you can trust me" she says before I can begin to talk.

The only response I can offer her is a smile and nod of appreciation. "So you know how my surgery is next week right?" I begin.

She nods her head yes and I continue. I tell her everything, I tell her about my childhood with Harry, how he was always by my side even when he became a teenager and started to grow up more.

How I used to have these surgeries all the time when I was younger and how he was there for everyone of them and then how once he auditioned for the X factor I never saw him again as a family friend and that I became a fan of One Direction so I would have some type of way of seeing him.

I even told her of the time I met him with One Direction and he didn't even notice it was me.

"I don't think I cut myself just because I'm sad I haven't seen him in so many years, I think there's something else" I think aloud. "I've always struggled with my self identity, I don't know who I am as a person or who I want to be when I'm older" I add.

"I know how you feel, we've all been there and it may take some extra time for you to find yourself but I know you will Lillie, you're a smart kind and beautiful girl.

You don't deserve to have to feel like this. Just know you're not alone, call me anytime even if it's three in the morning, call me I don't want you to suffer like this.

And about Harry, from what you told me, he cares about you, maybe there's an explanation as to why he didn't make it known to you that he remembers you, I'm not sure but what you did, texting him is the best thing you could've done.

Don't feel guilty, give it some time and I'm sure he'll get back to you. How could he forget someone like you?" She tells me making me smile through my tears.

"Thank you" I say bringing her in for a hug. "Thank you for talking to me, I'm always going to be here for you if you need me" she squeezes me in our embrace.

"Do you mind if I see them?" She hesitantly asks. "Yeah" I allow her my arm. I lift up the sleeve of my hoodie showing my cuts. "Well good news is, they're not too deep so they'll heal before your surgery so no one will see them" she says.

I let out a sigh of relief. Thank god.

"Do you plan on telling Harry about them?" If he's the same as the last time I've known him, then that's probably the first thing he'll ask me about" I pull my sleeve back down over my wrist sighing again.

"I think you should tell him, even if he doesn't find them himself. He could be the one to help you get better if not your parents.

If you keep doing this and something happens to you I-" she can't even finish her sentence. "Shh I promise I won't do it again, I-I don't know what I was thinking" tears are now flowing down both of our faces.

"Why don't we watch a funny show or something yeah? Something to take your mind off of all of this?" She suggests once we calm down and wipe our tears from our faces. "Yeah that's sounds good" I let one last sniffle out.

We settle on watching 'The End Of The F***ing World on Netflix. About fifteen minutes into an episode, I feel my phone vibrate in my hoodie jacket.

Looking over at Sofia, I notice she's staring at the screen of her computer totally immersed in watching the show that she didn't notice my phone go off.

Slowly taking it out, I start to get nervous. Real nervous. I hesitate looking at my screen afraid to look at it.

𝘖𝘩 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘓𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘦, 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺. 𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘣𝘢𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘦?!

After my little mini argument in my head, I decide to get my shit together and look at it.

𝘐𝘵𝘴 𝘢 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘩, 𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘢 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘩.

"Is there anything the matter?" Sofia pauses the show and looks at me with worry in her eyes.
"Harry, he texted me and it's a paragraph. I'm kind of freaking out, should I be freaking out?

I didn't think guys sent paragraphs? I thought they just send like two words and that's it!" Panic takes over me making me spit out nonsense. "Lillie-" I don't listen and keep rambling.

"I didn't even think he'd respond! Oh god what if he thinks I'm just a fan that got his number and now he's telling me off for invading his privacy-" "LILLIE!" Sofia shakes both of my shoulders cutting me out of my anxious thoughts.

"Calm down just read the message and see what he has to say and for the record, I highly doubt he thinks you're a fan who is invading his privacy." She pointedly says with a eye roll.

"Just breathe" she helps me calm down. I take a deep breath, closing my eyes and opening them when I breathe out. "You good now?" She asks. "Yeah, yeah I'm good" I let a sigh out. I pick my phone back up and slide my finger across the screen and begin to read the long message.