memories. h.s

Eighteen

𝐄𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐍
𝙒𝘼𝙍𝙉𝙄𝙉𝙂: 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘪𝘤 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘴.

The warm summer weather was soon a distance feeling as the cold temperatures and gloomy skies of fall abruptly made its way in.

I strived in cold weather. Fall and winter were my favourite seasons. The crisp refreshing air hitting my face, the change of the leaves changing the whole atmosphere of the scenery around me, the occasional snow days in the winter time If were lucky that year, feeling closer to family, and wearing big fluffy jackets to keep warm I loved it.

I was staring outside my window that had an amazing few of some orangey/ yellow trees in deep thought. I hadn't heard much from Harry since he'd gotten back from his Miami trip almost three weeks ago. Keeping the secret of my new found sexuality and accepting it was burning a hole in me. I needed to tell someone I trusted, I was just scared.

What if I'm completely humiliated, laughed at, and told this wasn't who I am? I wasn't ready for that, I don't think I could take that, I was slowly losing myself again. I've been thinking about what if I just ended it? What if I was gone? Would anyone care? I wipe a tear floating slowly down my cheek and sniffle a bit.

I look down at wrist, staring longingly at my faded scars. To anyone else, they were basically unnoticeable but to me, they were clear as day, I could see every razor mark on my skin. I hadn't told my parents like I told Harry I would, another thing I'm scared of doing alone. And the therapist Harry had me going to see at school wasn't helping much either.

"I'm broken. I'm unfixable, there's something wrong with me," I say aloud to nothing but the four silent walls in my room. I don't know how much longer I can last. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, sinking lower and lower in a deep ocean trying to scream out for someone to grab my entire body and carry me up to the surface and take care of me to make sure I don't die from how much water has filled my lungs.

The pain is too much to take any longer. 'No ones home, now is your chance,' I dig and dig trying to find what I was looking for. "Where did he fucking put them?" I angrily mutter out loud to myself, suddenly mad at Harry for trying to prevent the exact thing I'm about to do.

Pulling my step stool out of my bathroom closet, I place it in front of it and step on it. 'I bet he put them up high where he thought I wouldn't be able to reach them,' Finally, finding them in the back of a top drawer. I pull a few out and step off the stool. After studying the blade in my hand, I say my final words and with an intense burning sensation immediately I slide it across deeply. And then again, not stopping for the pain. Within thirty seconds, I was already seeing black specs in my eyes and feeling like I'm going to faint. I know I have only a matter of seconds, I quickly dial Sofia and she answers on the third ring, at this point I'm nearly unconscious, as soon as I hear her voice, I do the best I can to tell her to get over to my house immediately before everything goes black and I feel myself hit the floor.

ఌ

The next thing i hear is the all too familiar noises of a hospital. 'Am I dead?' I feel a hand grab mine that immediately sends a shock through me making me feel comfort. I attempt to open my eyes and eventually they do and all I can see through my blurry vision, is a white plain room. I turn my gaze towards the hand that was currently holding mine and I'm shocked to see a very worried and teary eyed Harry staring directly at me. "You're awake," he croaks out quietly with a sad smile not reaches his eyes. He squeezes my hand.