memories. h.s

Eleven

𝘾𝙃𝘼𝙋𝙏𝙀𝙍 𝙀𝙇𝙀𝙑𝙀𝙉

Darkness. Blurriness. As the days slowly ticked away, so did my vision. After a week I couldn't make out anything. I couldn't use my phone independently without voice over on, I couldn't see the food I was eating. My vision was gone.

My depression is consuming me even more. I feel worthless. What's the point of being here if I can't see anything? I lay awake staring up at my bedroom ceiling and just think.

Despite being blind, I've never seen more light in my life. The sun is my worst enemy. It stings and burns my eyes even if I'm not directly looking at it. It's so bad, my curtains being shut is just not enough. I now have blankets over them making my bedroom even more dark and depressing.

Harry's been here the entire time, every single day since the day of my surgery. We've decided to tell my parents about my self harming not until I've fully recovered. Until then, he's removed all sharp objects from my bathroom and bedroom putting them god knows where.

Something always seems off with Harry whenever he has mental health talks with me daily to check up on me. The tone in his voice, the way he words his words makes it sounds like he's done this too and knows exactly what I'm going through.

I wouldn't be surprised. The music Industry can be so mentally draining and hard on a person. Becoming this huge success in the spotlight, being told how to be, how to act and just be thrown into it over night can be damaging. I just wish he'd talk to me about it more.

Despite removing all sharp objects, he's constantly checking my wrist. Maybe to see if it's scarring? Maybe to see if I'd figured out a way to cut myself again? I'm not entirely sure.

Some days are worse than others, some days I'll sit here and cry and yell out in pain. When I have to go to the eye doctors every week is when it hits me the most that I can't see.

Little things like walking is something I can't do by myself so Harry now carries me. My stomach doing backflips as my legs are wrapped around his waist and his arms securely wrapped around my back. Why did this have to happen to me?

What did I do to deserve this? Other days, I'm optimistic that each day is a step towards full recovery and that soon I'll have my vision come back and I'll be able to do things independently again.

Besides my thoughts of depression, sadness, and loneliness, I've thought a lot about Harry. I be thinking about the feeling I get whenever he's near me or when our skin makes contact. I think about how easy it was for me to just accept him back into my life as if he didn't just ghost me for practically an entire decade.

I think about how attached I've become to him. I don't want him to leave my side and it terrifies me. I've come to the conclusion that I think I'm starting to like him in a romantic way which is so stupid.

I mean look at me, I'm a seventeen and a half year old girl with depression, anxiety and a developing eating disorder who in their sane mind would want anything to do with someone like me?

He's a twenty five year old celebrity who is extremely attractive, could have an girl or guy - he's never been public about his sexuality - he wants. And besides, I'm probably just a little girl in his eyes. Nothing more nothing less. I have no chance.

Discovering these feelings, caused a whole wave of anxiety to shoot through my bones. I can't like him like that. I could never tell him I couldn't handle the humiliation. He'd probably politely decline me and then not talk to me ever again because it'd be an embarrassment to him that I could feel a such way.

𝙃𝙖𝙧𝙧𝙮.

I've noticed a significant decline in Lillie's mental health since the day of her surgery and it pains me to watch her go through this everyday. The blindness, it's inevitable it's not something she can have control of and the fact that it's happening at such a slow pace is what's killing her the most.

I hold her tight in my arms as she cries out in pain. Screaming words of "why me?" And "I cant see it hurts" silent tears build up in my eyes as I listen to the words coming out of her mouth in distress.

I wish I could take her pain away, she really doesn't deserve to feel like this and experience something like this. She has the most beautiful soul I've ever seen and it breaks my heart to see it being taken from her.

"Harry?" She mumbles my name snapping me out of my thoughts. "Yes princess?" I immediately see the reason for why she called me. She was trying to pick out clothes to wear to the doctors office because today she had one of her weekly check ups.

"Can you help me pick out clothes please?" She asks in a cute timid voice. She was embarrassed that she needed constant help with simple everyday things. She was still struggling with it despite me telling her I'd gladly help with anything.

"Of course, anything particular you want me to pick out for you?" I ask as I begin to dig through her drawer. "Erm uh my maroon sweater it's got little tiny slits at the top of it.
I dig around for the sweater she gave me the description of. I pull out a maroon sweater and take a look at the tag. "Is it from garage?" I ask.

"Yes that's it" I hand her the sweater and she sets it on the bed behind her. "Okay now onto pants" I open up her top drawer where her pants are and pull out a pair of mid-wash 'mom jeans'. "How about your medium shade wide leg pants?" I ask her. "Those are fine thanks for the help" she says as she takes the pants from me.
"You're welcome".

ఌ

"Which would be easier for you? Do you want me to carry you again or just hold onto my elbow?" I ask her once she's finished getting dressed and it was time to go to her appointment.

"Erm could you carry me?" I notice a small blush creep up on her cheeks making me smile. "Of course" I tuck my phone to my jean pocket of my jeans and bend down to her height so I can pick her up easiest.

I gently lift her into my arms careful not to bump her eye and she wraps her legs around my waist. Picking her up was very easy. She still didn't weigh much now at seventeen almost eighteen which was another thing that concerned me.

Arriving at the doctors office, I could tell this was where her new blindness affected her the most. Being out in public unable to see where you're going I could imagine is one of most scariest feelings.

Here she is a teenage girl being carried in public. I couldn't imagine the humiliation that comes with that.

Today we received some good news from her doctor after checking her eye pressure and her vision. We were told that her vision should be back within a month.

"Isn't that exciting!? Only one month" I smile at Lillie even thought she can't see it. "Very I miss my sight a lot" she sighs.