Lovebug~Alec Lightwood

Chapter Thrity Two-This Is Gospel

"If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go
'Cause these words are knives that often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart"
-Panic! At The Disco

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The training hall looked truly beautiful for the our fellow fallen shadowhunters. Banners were strung up, shadowhunters in white. Four bodies were to be mourned, their essence freed from their bodies. That included Jocelyn Fray. Although, not to speak ill of the dead, I wasn't particularly fond of the woman, she was Clary and Jace's mother, something that was irreplaceable. It was a sad evening, one that I wished was behind us.
"How're you doing?" My twin asked as I stood to the side.
"Out of everyone, I think I'm doing the best right now" I shrugged.
Considering Izzy and Joe were injured, Clary and Jace lost their mother and Alec was guilt ridden from the demonic possession, I couldn't complain.

My brother brought me into an embrace rather suddenly, surprising me.
"I'm so sorry" he whispered.
"What for?" I asked, bringing my arms around his torso.
"This could've easily been you tonight because of me" he mumbled.
"But it isn't. I'm okay, you're okay" I told him, rubbing his back.
"I couldn't lose you too" he carried on as his embrace tightened.
I felt tears burn my eyes at my brothers sentiment.
"By the Angel, you're making me cry" I laughed as we pulled away, wiping my eyes.
Looking across the room as I wiped my eyes, I spotted Izzy talking with Aldertree. Frowning slightly, Joe followed my gaze and spotted the pair.
"That's the second time today she's been talking to him" I speculated.
"Second? Huh, weird" he mumbled.

I patted my brothers cheek endearingly, moving to stand next to Alec as the ceremony was going to begin. I watched as Clary and Jace held hands, Jace leading her forward. It was so loving, what he was doing for her. I could see that he still loved Clary so much.
"Those remaining will take their place with the fallen," Aldertree began as Jace and Clary stood next to Jocelyn's body, "those remaining will say the names of the fallen"
"Brother Micah" brother Enoch began.
"Pulvis et umbra sumus" we all said in unison.
"Brother Jeremiah" another began.
"For we are dust and shadows"
"Jocelyn," Clary began before breaking down, "mom"
I felt Alec stiffen, a few tears slipping down his cheeks. Slipping my hand into his, he intertwined our fingers as I squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"Jocelyn Fairchild" Jace strongly said, his arms around Clary as she cried against his chest.
"Ave atque vale. Hail and farewell"
Clary and Jace came to stand next to us, the two silent brothers and Aldertree putting their steles against the bodies. Their essences flowed out of their bodies, returning to the angels. This reminded me so much of my parents funeral, a few tears slipping down from the thought. I always thought the funerals were so beautiful in their own way, a way of the souls moving on from this life to a better one. That's what I told myself to make me feel better.

****
The funeral had ended, everyone dispersing in groups or alone to have time to themselves. A quiet knock echoed against my door.
"Come in" I said, taking my heels off.
The last person I expected to walk in did, Clary.
"Hey, um...could I talk to you?" She asked quietly.
"Of course, come in" I told her with a comforting smile as she shut the door.
She sat on my bed next to me, red puffy eyes from crying.
"I...um...well wanted to ask how you coped with-...you know? Since you're kinda the only one who understands the feeling, apart from Jace but given the situation..." she trailed off with a shrug.
"It's alright Clary. Well, when my parents died, it was really hard. Especially because the last time I spoke to them, I was arguing with them about finding out they were circle members" I retold as she looked sympathetically.
"But, I always thought that when their essence was released, they were going to a better place. Not burdened or worried. And your mother well, she spent her life running. Now she can rest comfortably without a worry of Valentine"

She showed a smile, the first one in days which made me smile.
"That's a lovely thought, really. Thank you" she whispered.
I brought her into a hug as she returned it, tears hitting my shoulder. I ran my hand through her hair in a comforting way, feeling a few tears fall down my cheeks. It had been a long day but I was glad I could make Clary feel some what better.
"Don't listen to anyone who tells you emotions cloud judgment, it's seriously stupid" I told her as she laughed slightly.
"Not a fan of shadowhunter mottos?" She asked, pulling away from the embrace.
"Not really" I shrugged as she smiled softly again.
"Thank you, Selena. It really helps to talk" she said, standing up.
I now noticed Alec in the doorway, watching us with tears still in his eyes.

Clary caught my gaze, turning and seeing Alec. She walked up to him, and I could tell he was half expecting her to shout at him. Instead, she hugged Alec.
"I don't blame you, Alec" she said softly as they pulled away.
I watched as Clary left, Alec shutting the door over. He let a few tears fall as I stood up, wiping a few of his tears away with my thumb.
"I wish it wasn't you. That you didn't have to suffer so much" I whispered, leaning my forehead against his.
His arms snaked around my waist, pulling me into his chest.
"She doesn't blame you, Alec, nobody does" I told him firmly.
"It'll just take time" he whispered weakly.
"I know. Let's go to sleep, you look like you haven't slept in days" I said, pulling away as Alec tried to pull me back into his embrace with a tiny whine.
"You're so cute, you know?" I whispered with a small grin.
A blush spread across his face like wildfire. A giggle erupted from my throat at his expression.

****
I waited for Alec to come out the bathroom, us now moved to his room so he could change. I wrapped myself in one of Alec's shirts, the smell comforting.
"You've got a habit of stealing my clothes" Alec remarked, walking in.
"It's comfortable" I whined with a fake pout as he walked over to the bed.
"I don't mind, you're cute" he shrugged with a teasing smile.
Leaning over the bed, I pressed my lips to Alec's, gripping his neck and pulling him onto the bed.
This was what we needed, normal, routine and something to take our minds off of recent events.

His lips pressed softly to mine, our lips parting slightly against each other.
"I love you" Alec whispered against my lips.
"You love me?" I asked, slightly pulling my lips from his.
"I-...god, I'm sorry" he whispered quickly, pulling himself away.
"Alec," I called softly whilst pulling him back to me by his shirt, "I love you too"
He sighed in relief, kissing me again.
"I thought...it would've been too soon" he admitted.
"I was just surprised, that's all" I said, stroking his cheek lovingly.