the quarantine diaries | Narry Storan AU

day 14

"I tried to call him, Theo.

I failed with myself. I'm such a stupid guy. Why did I do that?

I was doing fine. Running around my house, playing golf in the hallways, calling my family just to keep my mind busy, calling Lewis to keep contact with him in those hard times, trying to stay chill while the whole world falls apart outside of my door. I was doing fine.

Or at least I thought I was.

Because in the moment I was listening to Arctic Monkeys' song "Do I Wanna Know?" and tears started streaming down my face, I knew I was so fucked up. I knew I was still in need of him. I knew I still missed him.

I still do.

And my cellphone was in my hands. And I still had his number on my list. And I still knew how to call someone.

And I called.

One bell ring. Two bell rings. Three bell rings. Four bell rings.

His voice picked up the call. Niall?

I turned it off. I couldn't handle the fact that I was crying more. I couldn't handle the fact that I indeed still missed him, still needed him with me, still love him.

If honesty means tell the truth, then I'm still in love with you.

I hate this part. I hate the part when you're so weak and so in doubt of your own strength that you fail to stay true to yourself. I hate the part when you admit you need someone. Because you don't have to need someone. You should just want them. You just need yourself to keep going, to pick up the pace. But no. You choose to need someone to feel complete. And that's one of the dumbest decisions you can ever make to your life.

Never decide to need someone, Theo. Ever."

"Hi, Theo.

I wrote the last letter when I was totally overpowered by my weakness. Sorry if you didn't want to know about that. But I had to tell someone. I couldn't tell Lewis 'cause he would just laugh at me and it wouldn't help. I couldn't either tell Greg 'cause he would kill me.

And I definitely couldn't tell anybody else. So it had to be you.

But, besides this low point of my day, everything worked well, thank you for asking (you didn't, I know. You don't even know I'm writing this). I watched the first season of Orange is The New Black. It's a good show, kinda confusing, but a good show. I can actually understand what they're saying here, it's not like A Series of Unfortunate Events when everybody used to say the same thing ten times and I still couldn't understand a word. Hope to watch it to the end.

I just want to get out of my own house. Is that too much to ask?

Love, Niall."