the quarantine diaries | Narry Storan AU

day 16

"Hello, Theo.

I heard something about Harry in Los Angeles. He's stuck there, the government couldn't allow him to come to London. And I think it's a good thing, because you know very well how I would feel if he was in town. 

Many people would say I am the most likely to break the quarantine orders. Maybe they say it because all of my actions are led by my emotions, and I'm such an emotional guy and I do things without thinking twice.

Just like that time when I flew from Tokyo to London right after one of my own shows there just because I wanted to spend time with him. He got mad because he feels empathy for everyone, including my managers, but five seconds and a kiss later, he forgot about it and we had an amazing weekend together. The memory is vivid on my mind, still.

I'm in love with him, still.

Anyways, people would say that thing about me breaking the quarantine and they're fucking right. If Harry was here in London, I would have probably took my car and I would have driven to his house just to say sorry for the night I called him and didn't let him say a thing two days ago. And he would yell at me for breaking the rules and he would kick me out of his home just so I wouldn't make him get the coronavirus disease.

OK. I'm overreacting again. Maybe he wouldn't kick me out 'cause it would mean another risk for me to get the COVID-19 (such a weird name, think about it, Theo) on my way back home. And, yes, he would risk himself in the process, but that's just Harry Styles. The protective guy. The careful guy. The lovely guy. The one.

The one that got away from me.

I wonder if I'll get over him someday, Theo. I wonder if I'll meet someone else who could love me like he did. Or just love me like this one could. And I would try to love this person back, and I would do everything to make this person happy.

But it wouldn't be enough. It wouldn't be him. Shit.

Yesterday I did the same things of any other day from this self-isolation. Cleaned the entire house, played some homemade golf, answered some fans on Twitter, made a live stream on Instagram (never do live stream on Twitter, REMEMBER THIS) to keep up with them, streamed my own album... stuff like that. 

Today everything fell down on me. My defenses, my strength, my thoughts, everything came together to become one big nothing in my life. I didn't cry. Didn't feel like crying today. But I wanted to. I wanted a lot. 

And I wanted him to wipe my tears.

But I won't call him again. I'm not his anymore, at the end of the day.

Guess I'll write about it after I finish this letter.

Love, Niall."