the quarantine diaries | Narry Storan AU

day 35

"Hello, Theo. 

How are you doing? How's the weather in the place you're living? What's the #1 song on the United Kingdom in the time you're living? Who's the United States president? Has Lorde already dropped her highly anticipated third album? Is it good? 

OK, I don't need to ask that. Of course Lorde's future album is good. She's amazing.

I'm interested about how is your time now. I've got some ideas on my mind about how things are in the future, whenever you read these letters. I'm listening to Lorde's song Perfect Places now. Good track. Deserved better in the charts. People should listen more to it. I wonder if y'all will appreciate this work of art better in the future, just like people did to Lizzo's old songs this year. I wish it could happen. 

(Yes. I'm procrastinating so I don't have to tell you what happened four days ago and why I broke a record spending three days without writing you a letter. Sorry for that.)

I don't dream too high about society in general. Like, people in that Back to the Future movie saga thought we'd have flying cars in 2015. Isn't it funny to watch these films now and scream at the characters something like "NONE OF THIS HAPPENED"? Or does it make you sad that we actually don't have the ability do think about making cars fly everywhere?

OK. It's too much to think about. Sorry. Let's go back to business.

I told Harry everything that was on my mind. About my envy of him because he was more successful. About the mistakes I took for believing he wouldn't need me anymore. And he paid attention. And he wanted to do a FaceTime call with me.

Of course I was nervous. We saw each other multiple times after we broke up - the BRITs, oh, shit, that was weird as fuck -, but we never talked about us in person.

And in the moment his face showed up in the phone screen, I froze. I had to take twelve deep breaths before I could say a simple "hi, Harold". But when I said it, everything suddenly felt better inside me. It was like he was always there. It was like he had never left me.

(I left him. Unfortunately.)

He had a beanie covering his messed hair. Earphones in his ears (pleonasm, sorry for that), a little grin in his lips and eyes wide open to see me. My hair was a mess too, but I had nothing to cover it, and he pointed it out - "your hair looks terrible, Niall" was one of the first things he said -, making me laugh a bit. We kind of talked about casual stuff for five minutes before the topic was brought out.

I was so scared to face him while talking about my feelings again, but he said he understood all the things I told by the previous messages I sent to him.

"I never thought this would be the cause of the anger you felt for me, Niall", he said it right after. 

And I had to swallow the tears down my throat. He didn't want to see me cry, and I wouldn't do it.

"There were times when I just wanted to call you and ask what I had done", I saw him closing his eyes when he said these words.

And I knew he was about to cry, too. And I can count on the fingers of one single hand how many times I saw him crying. 

Damn, I used to be the emotional one. What is going on?

"Niall, do you want us to try again?"

Then I froze again. I was so afraid to say what I really wanted to say - I genuinely thought he didn't want to come back to me, and he had all the right to do so. I hurt his feelings. I didn't deserve a shit.

But I had to be honest with him.

"I'm afraid of saying 'yes'. I don't wanna be the only one who wants it."

And that was the moment I knew.

The moment I knew that yes, I want him back.

"I want you back, Haz. But only in your terms."

That's it for today. Love, Niall."