the quarantine diaries | Narry Storan AU

day 36

"Hi, Theo.

So, you must remember I finished the previous letter with an open ending. That's because I love open endings, when the readers can decide by themselves how the story is going to end. It probably caused you some kind of anger towards me, right? 

I'm not sorry. I knew what I was doing and damn, God knows how much I knew. I'm listening to Dua Lipa's song Love Again while I'm writing this. I need to be brave enough to tell you what happened, what's happening now and what will happen someday after the lockdown is over.

Harry said he missed me. But not like he missed me when I broke up with him - which, in almost 100% of the cases, means "I don't want you back", but somehow, we're some sort of exception to this rule. He also said that my act was really fucking selfish and that it hurted him last year, while he was finishing Fine Line.

(No. I didn't ask if there was a song about me in that album. I have no right to do this.)

I remember the tone in his voice when he said "We need to think if it's going to be good for us if we get back from where it all stopped". I remember it because I knew he was right. 

"We need to be patient, Niall."

"How ironic is the fact that I have a song called Dear Patience."

"Still making jokes about yourself, huh?"

"Nothing else to do while I'm isolated, that's the true, Harry."

Basically we made the mutual (and mature!) decision of taking our time to reflect on the things that happened between us all this time. Of course something inside me has changed since the last time we were properly together, you know? Another ironic fact - I grew up with my own mistake. I learned things. I've been feeling lonely ever since then, but I needed that. I needed to be alone to realize that, sometimes, you don't need someone to complete you.

You must complete yourself first.

And I'm pretty sure Harry has changed a little too. His eyes, they tell me he changed his heart. He doesn't smile like before. He uses his entire empathy for people to cover his broken feelings, and I hate myself for that. I want to make things right this time - but only if he wants to.

It's very complicated to describe this part of our story, Theo. I hope you don't mind the lack of sense in my words - because I don't even know what's going on anymore. I don't know if he will ever say "yes" to me again. And the quarantine is just a side-piece of this. We would still avoid a personal meeting even if there was no COVID-19 to haunt the whole world.

I'm afraid of breaking his heart again. I'm afraid of losing him again and lose myself right after that. I'm afraid - but it doesn't mean I won't fight for this love. But if he needs time, so do I.

"I still have feelings for you, Ni. But we need to start all over again if we want it to work this time."

Love, Niall."