the quarantine diaries | Narry Storan AU

day 31, the talk

I know what I said back then

I know I said that you were leaving me behind with your career going up in the music industry and mine was just... steady

I know I said that I couldn't live with the thought that "well, my boyfriend is out there in the world doing God-knows-what and I'm still here at home, waiting for him, and that's not healthy"

I know I said I'd rather be single than keep worrying about someone who was fine without me

And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry

I was blinded by my own envy of you, Harold

I wanted what you had

I wanted to be who you were

I wasn't feeling comfortable with me like before

And I thought you would never want someone like me to stay by your side

You know what I mean

I never had the biggest amount of self-esteem among us all

And to see you conquering everything, running the world

(Just like you deserve, of course)

It made me feel this envy

And I broke up because I couldn't handle with that

Just for your information, I don't feel that envy anymore

It's fucking bullshit.

Niall.

What?

You used the "."

Fucking hell

I wrote all of this and the "." was the only thing that stood out for you?

Really?

Of course not. I'm not dumb.

At least, not anymore.

But I had to say it.

If you don't feel what you say you used to feel for me...

Then what's left in your heart?

I miss you, Haz

I miss the days we were in different places and I used to call you so you could sing me to sleep

I miss the days I was at home with you, too

I miss you as a whole masterpiece

I miss you as a lover

I miss you as a friend

I miss you as everything you used to be for me

I miss you as everything you are

And I wish I could've valued you back then

I'm sorry

I know this will never replace the hurt I caused to you

But I just wanted you to know before...

Never mind

Before what, Nialler?

Before we both eventually move on

Before I finally realize we'll never get back together

(It's happening now, actually)

(The more I talk to you about this, the more I see we cannot be friends anymore)

I'm sorry if I made you feel like this, Niall.

It wasn't my intention.

It never was.

Something tells me you're crying now.

Don't cry. I hate to even imagine you crying.

And I still care about you. I'll always do.

You were part of my life as much as I was part of yours.

I know that

Thanks for caring

I'm not crying but only 'cause I've cried enough these days

Let's do a FaceTime.

We deserve a proper talk.