Stolen Chances

Chapter 33

I was not talking to anyone. I have been crying for days and I lost count how many times I have cried. I would be crying when I opened my eyes in the morning. I would be crying when lunch comes, and then when I closed my eyes in the evening to sleep, I would still be crying for the lose.

Iniisip na nga siguro nila sa bahay na nababaliw na ako. Hindi nila maiintindihan kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. I lose him. I lose him and I don't even know what to do.

Pinunasan ko ang luha ko at tiningnan ang ulan sa labas. I wonder why is it raining? Maybe because it was his first month of being gone.

Ilang beses ko na nga bang sinubukan na wakasan ang buhay ko? Isa? Dalawa? Tatlo? Hindi ko na mabilang. Noong magising ako, akala ko panaginip lang ang lahat. Na nanaginip lang ako at hindi totoong wala na si Bagyo pero nang makita ko sa mga mata ni Tito Al ang pagsisisi ay lubos akong napaluha. Because from that time, I know. It was reality that hit me! He was gone. He did left me with a wounded heart. I've tried drowning myself in the tub but Savior came and stopped me. I tried cutting my wrists three times pero palaging dumadating si Savior. Kapag sinusubukan kong wakasan ang buhay ko, palagi siyang dumarating. He had witness all the suicide attempts that I had done for one month. Hindi ako nakapunta sa libing ni Bagyo dahil hindi ko kayang tingnan ang mga labi niya. At saka ayaw rin nina Mama. Hindi nila ako pinapalabas dahil tingin nila ay nababaliw na ako.

Alikabok left three weeks ago. One week after Bagyo's death, I saw him for one last time. Ni hindi ko alam na may balak pala siyang mag-aral sa ibang bansa. He and his friend will be training in South Korea to form a band. He gave me the envelop that Kim has given me when I first found out about Bagyo's death. Ayoko sanang buksan kung ano ang nakalagay sa envelop pero pinilit ko. Hindi dahil kailangan because I just feel like I need to open it - na sana hindi ko nalang ginawa. Because inside the envelop were papers I wish I wouldn't be seeing in my life. The papers contain DNA TEST result of me and Bagyo confirming that we don't have even a tiny percentage of being related by blood. It was the proof that our love for each other is not selfish but a genuine one. We were never wrong nor Immoral. My parents lied to me. They made me believe that we were siblings though were not. I couldn't accept what I have found out. Nasasaktan ako kapag naaalala ko kung paano ko pinagtabuyan si Bagyo noong tumawag siya sa akin - nagmamakaawa na sumama ako sa kaniya sa pangalawang pagkakataon pero hindi ko siya pinakinggan dahil natatakot ako. Natatakot ako dahil ang boung akala ko ay magkapatid kami.

Kung hindi ko ba siya pinagtabuyan nun, hindi kaya siya mawawala?

Ganito na nga siguro. Kaya siguro hindi ako mamatay-matay ay dahil sa ito ang aking magiging parusa. Habang buhay kong pagsisisihan ang pagkawala ni Bagyo. Araw-araw kong mararamdaman ang sakit ng pagkawala niya. Araw-araw akong magluluksa at maghihinayang sa mga nasayang na pagkakataon. I will forever regret not being able to fight for our chances. The chances they stole away from us. My parents, his father, my family had stolen the chances of us being together.

Galit na galit ako kay Mama nang malaman kong hindi naman pala kami magkapatid. She was so sorry and crying but I don't feel any pity towards any of them. She said, they just wanted Bagyo out of my life and they succeeded cause they did made him go and the saddest part was that he won't be back. He won't be back to me. He will never come back to me.

Napasalampak ako sa sahig ng shower room habang umiiyak na naman. Hinding-hindi na ata ako magiging masaya nang wala siya. Siya ang kaligayahan ko and now that he's gone. I couldn't smile anymore.

May kumatok sa pintuan kung kaya't napa-ayos ako at tiningnan mo na ang mukha ko sa salamin bago buksan ang pintuan.

"Today is Tita Abe's flight to New York. You wanna see her for the last time?"