Stolen Chances

Chapter 32

I went to the shower room. Pakiramdam ko ay ang dumi dumi ko na. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat na maramdaman ko. My stays here in Ithaca were the worst. First week pa lang ay hindi na ako makahinga. Kanina lang ay nalaman na ang resulta ng DNA namin at ni Mr. Marshall and it confirmed that I am his daughter. Hindi ko tiningnan ang papel dahil what's the point? Masasaktan lang ako. Hindi ko matanggap ang katotohanan na magkapatid kami ni Bagyo. I wanted to end my life. For the past days, I tried acting normal towards them. On my third day here in Ithaca, I've received a call from Bagyo. I was so mad at him that time that we ended up fighting. After so many days, ngayon lang niya ako nagawang tawagan?!

"Why did you call?"

[Listen baby, I'm ---]

"Don't baby me, asshole! Pareho pareho lang kayo! Mga manloloko!"

I shouted at him. Hindi ko mapigil ang bugso ng damdamin. Nasasaktan ako ee.

[This is what I am telling you about. See? You hated me now.]

I was not able to answer him. Maybe because he was right. Alam niyang magagalit ako sa pagsisinungaling niya sa akin pero ginawa parin niya.

"I hated you for lying to me! You knew we could be siblings but you still choose to lie to me. Ganiyan ka ba ka-selfish Bagyo?!"

Galit na galit ako sa kaniya na kung nandito lang siya ay baka nasampal at nasaktan ko na siya.

[Yeah, I did lie to you. We are not related by blood, baby. I swear to you, we are not related by blood.]

Nagmamakaawa ang boses niya pero hindi ko siya pinakinggan. I wiped my tears.

"Nasasabi mo pa iyan? Our parents had an affair before---"

He cut me off.

[Don't believe on any DNA test they'll show you. They will just trick you. I had us tested---]

"Shut up, Bagyo! Just shut up! You tricked me too. I can not believe I loved an asshole liar like you!"

He didn't say anything. Ang boung akala ko ay pinatay na niya ang tawag.

[Why can't you just trust me, Ariella?]

That made me stop. Have I made him feel like I never trusted him? Maybe yes, maybe no. But I am hurting right now and I can't control my emotion.

[When I told you, you'll hate me. You really did. Maybe you don't just hate me, but loathed me as well.]

[You know what's worst, Ariella? The thought that you believe them more than how you should be believing me. I let you go to let you learn the truth by yourself. But looks like you act based on your emotion.]

[You don't need to hate me, Ariella. If you can not find in yourself to trust me, then don't. I'm hanging up.]

After learning the truth, I don't really know how to react. Should I be happy? Should I get mad? I don't know anymore.

I turned on the shower and the hot water flowed to my hair down to my feet. I was crying while looking at myself in the mirror. I couldn't even recognize myself in the mirror. What I am seeing right now is a broken girl - a sinner. Naluluhang sinabon ko ang katawan ko habang humihikbi. I was punishing myself for being a sinner and so I was gripping my hair and my whole body too tight. It doesn't matter if it gets red. I couldn't forgive myself.

What have I done?

Nang matapos akong maligo ay bumaba ako para kumain. The only thing that kept me alive was the thought that I needed to live for myself. Na kahit na niloko ako at pinaglaruan ng lahat ay babangon parin ako para mabuhay. Hindi ko pinapansin ang kahit na sino sa bahay. Palaging nandito si Sir Al at Emilda. I was just looking at them. Nilalagpasan ko sila. Ni ang tingnan sila ay hindi ko ginagawa. I can see guilts from their eyes but who cares? Sa ngayon, wala na akong paki-alam sa kahit na kanino. Maski si Bagyo ay hindi ko na papakialaman pa. Kailangan ko siyang layuan. Para sa ikabubuti at ikakapanatag ng lahat.