In Flames // 9-1-1 Fox (seasons 1-4)

two

Mariana loaded the plate in her hand with some more potatoes before she passed it to Chim. The dark haired man raised it in thanks and she saluted him with her spatula, waiting for Bobby to pass her another plate. Chimney went to deliver the plate to Buck but he refused.

"I'm not hungry."

Mariana knew how he felt. He had lost his first person at a roller coaster the night before. Losing someone was always hard, but your first? Feels like a punch to the gut, chest, and heart.

"This is America, Buckaroo. Eating has nothing to do with being hungry," Chimney shot back.

"I was right there. All he had to do was reach up and grab my hand."

"People do funny things when they're scared," Mariana said as she passed another plate to Chimney. "Sometimes they freeze up or lash out. We can't control how they react."

"I've never lost anyone before," Buck sighed. "Does it get any easier?"

"No," Mariana and Bobby intoned at the same time. She grabbed her own plate and headed over to the table to take her seat next to Buck.

"Look, people die and that's part of the gig, right? See, your problem is that you're looking at every job like it's a long term relationship. They're one night stands, man. In that moment, they mean everything to you but once the morning comes...it's onto the next one," Chimney attempted to help.

"That is a terrible analogy," Mariana hissed.

"Hey, you guys don't mind but I brought some company to family dinner! Athena's going through some stuff at home so she could use some TLC," Hen announced. Mariana turned, seeing her climb the stairs with Athena behind her. The dark haired latina was on her feet instantly, a small grin on her face.

"Well, we don't usually allow cops at secret firehouse meetings, but I'll make an exception," Bobby joked.

Mariana hugged Athena before pulling back with a sparkle in her brown eyes. "Hiya mama."

"You better be staying out of trouble, miss." Athena tugged on the french braid hanging down Mariana's back.

The younger woman smirked and headed back to the kitchen to grab a few more plates while Athena greeted Buck. She returned to the table just in time to hear Bobby talking about Buck's current mood.

"Buck here is having a little trouble moving on from a call that didn't go his way."

"You know why they make us wear these uniforms, right? Cops, firefighters, paramedics."

"Sex appeal?" Chim asked and Mariana rolled her eyes as she dug into her dinner.

"So people can easily identify us," Buck answered.

"Both true, but it's also for our own good. Because when we take off the uniform at the end of the day, it symbolizes letting go of all the sad, crazy, inhumane things we've seen that day."

"I see his face every time I close my eyes. That happen to you guys?"

The table fell silent and Bobby glanced over at Mariana. She was seemingly invested in her dinner, pushing it around the plate as she refused to meet his eyes. Everyone but Buck knew that Mariana Ramirez had seen more loss than most people. They just didn't know how much.

"It'll pass," Athena finally said.

The bell's sudden ring broke Mariana out of her thoughts and she was actually thankful for a call. Jumping up, the brunette rushed to the pole and prepared to focus solely on the call.

///

"Mari," Bobby called.

The brunette hopped down from her seat on top of the fire truck that she was wiping down with a rag and onto the cab seat before she climbed down. Buck was being interviewed by some newscaster who wanted to talk about his "daring roller coaster rescue". Poor kid having to relieve one of his worst moments over and over again.

"What's up, boss?" she asked, facing Bobby with her arms crossed over her chest.

"Just checking to see how you are with all of the...discussions going on."

Her eyebrow raised at his statement and she scoffed, pushing off of the truck and walking towards the ambulance with the intention of checking the supply and restocking.

"I'm fine. Shouldn't you be checking up on Buck?"

"Mari."

"I'm fine. I'm getting regular sleep and Leslie refuses to let me take more than two shifts a week. I'm fine."

"Second you're not fine and you tell me or Athena, got it?"

"Yes sir."

///

It was the next shift that Mariana found herself alone with the newest member of the 118. Buck was sitting in the gym alone while everyone else was getting cleaned up or restocking after the most recent call.

"Hey," she greeted as she sat on the bench next to him.

"Hey." His voice was quiet and very unlike him.

"You went to the funeral, right? We all make that mistake."

He turned his head to stare at her, noticing the far away look in her brown eyes. A somber smile pulled at the edges of her lips before they parted to speak once more.

"The worst ones to lose are children but the most devastating are the people you know. We could try everything and yet sometimes it's not enough. That guilt and grief will eat you alive if you let it but grief is a funny thing. Each person you meet has some form of grief or guilt on their shoulders. Some have a little, some have a lot. Every interaction between people shifts a tiny portion of that grief off onto someone's shoulders. It's okay to let it shift on sometimes. One person is not enough to carry all that weight. Give some of it to us. We can handle it."

Buck stared at her with a stunned look and she let out a huff of laughter. "I can be insightful when I want to, Buckley."

"Who...who was the first person you lost?"

"On a call? Seventeen year old kid on her way to prom. Other car was full of kids her age who were drunk out of their minds. Her name was Maria Villanueva. In the ER? Eight year old drowning victim."

"I'm sorry."

"That was a long time ago, Buck. I've shifted the grief enough."

"Y'know, I don't know that much about you. Maybe we could get a drink or a-"

She barked out a laugh and stood, clapping her hand down on his shoulder. "First of all, I'm never gonna sleep with you. Second of all, I don't drink. Ever. Don't get your hopes up."

He watched her walk out of the gym area and move to help Chim and Hen restock the ambulance, dark hair swinging from her ponytail. He shook his head with a smile. Mariana Ramirez was one big enigma.