In Flames // 9-1-1 Fox (seasons 1-4)

forty-eight

The brunette shifted back on the couch and pulled the pillow into her lap, a sigh passing her lips as she studied the stained wood before her. Dr. Miriam Allen sat across from her, a notepad in hand and her eyes trained on the younger woman.

"I guess...I've cheated death a few too many times for my liking and now I'm just waiting for it to come. For the longest time I kept thinking, finally, maybe this time is it. But now I have the team and Eddie and Chris and...I don't want to die. And that scares me so much."

"Why does it scare you? Shouldn't you be happy?"

"I should, right? So why don't I feel that? Now I just have this crushing weight when I go into the field or when I send them off. And...and I can't say it."

"Say what? That you're feeling this way?"

"No, I can't say the words. Because I feel like every time I've said them, that's been their death sentence."

"Mariana, you can't control how the world works. You can't control who lives and who dies. And that just might be the hardest part of life. When you say you feel that way towards him, what do you mean?"

"When I look at Eddie and Chris, I see the future. I never saw that before."

"Because you were too busy letting your past hold on to you."

///

"So you still haven't heard anything from the chief about Hen?" Buck asked as he joined them in the living room area of the firehouse. Mariana leaned against Eddie, her eyes fixed on the TV but her ears tuned into the conversation.

"I would tell you if they made a ruling, Buck, but they haven't," Bobby sighed.

"Shouldn't the investigators be done by now?" Chimney pointed out. "We all know it was an accident."

"I saw her yesterday," Eddie announced. "Was on my way into Frank's and ran into her outside the building. She seemed okay. Just...sad."

"That's a given. I was torn up for months after I got into that crash," Mariana added, pulling her gaze away from the news so she could look at the others.

"Yeah, can't blame her for that," Bobby muttered.

"Or for anything," Chimney argued.

"How was therapy with Frank? Haven't seen him in a while," Buck changed the subject.

"Seems good, but I'm not really sure he and I are...clicking."

"I would recommend Miriam but she's mine and that's a conflict of interest," Mariana hummed.

"You should try talking to Rosemary. I went to her after the stabbing, she was great."

"Eh, she cared a little too much about my life story," Mariana shot back at Chimney. "I think she wanted to write the next great psychology text on my life story."

"Is she the one I slept with?"

"No! She doesn't work for the department anymore."

"She used you at a vulnerable time and manipulated your addiction, okay?"

"You slept with your therapist?" Eddie chuckled. His girlfriend lightly smacked his chest, a warning look on her face.

"Yeah, I was uh going through a phase. Hey, didn't you just go through one of those?"

"Evan!" "Yeah, yeah."

"See, I've never slept with a therapist or had a phase so clearly, I'm the favorite child," Mari crowed.