latibule [jj maybank]

0.36

chapter 36
(trigger warning: mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts)

3 weeks ago.

india stared at the blank piece of paper in front of her, tears falling silently down her cheeks.

she couldn't take it anymore. the lies. the cheating. the abuse.

she was exhausted. exhausted of pretending that she had the perfect life with the perfect boyfriend and the perfect family.

she made up her mind a long time ago, but she had held it off because she'd given rafe a second chance.

just one more chance, she thought. maybe this time he'll change.

but of course, he hadn't. it hadn't even been a week and she had already caught him talking to another girl behind her back, again. that had been the final straw.

she'd been pushed around by him too many times. he'd hurt her and damaged her in ways no one had, and it didn't help with the fact that she had thought that he loved her.

she sighs, hearing as on the floor below, her mother instructs the movers where to put the couches and the other stuff.

she knew deep down, that her mother would milk her death as much as she could. she'd host funerals and mourn her death with big gatherings. she didn't care about india. she never had, and india doubted she ever would.

after all, she was meaningless to them.

tyler would be sad. she knew that. he had been the only one that actually cared. while her mother was out drinking and her father was out doing business, tyler would actually check in on india.

of course, he knew nothing about what rafe did to her. no one did, and no one would ever know. it wasn't as if she would be around long enough to tell them anyways.

yes, tyler would be sad, but he'd get over it. he always seemed to be high on some kind of drug, which was often supplied by rafe.

she pauses, turning around as someone knocks on her door.

"come in" she calls out, wiping her tears.

tyler comes in, looking around her room before focusing on her.

"hey, dia" that's what he called her. no one else called her that but him. she liked it. "i'm heading out for a while with rafe. wanna come with?" he asks.

india shakes her head. "i actually told him i needed to unpack, so i can't. thank you, though" she tells him sweetly, forcing out a smile.

tyler nods. "fine then. i'll see you later"

with that, he closes the door, leaving india to herself again.

he hadn't even noticed that she had been crying.

she wasn't doing it because of her family. she wasn't doing it because of how they treated her, though they treated her like crap.

she was doing it because she was tired. tired of having to live with herself, and her thoughts. she was tired of being in a relationship where all she felt was fear. she had become a shell of herself, and yet no one seemed to notice.

she blamed it on rafe, and on herself. she had been dumb to actually think that rafe wanted anything other than sex and money. she had been dumb to fall for his tricks and false promises. she would never forgive herself for letting herself fall in love with him.

she was a coward, for keeping quiet about a relationship she didn't want to be in.

sighing, she picks up her pen.

if you're reading this, it's because you found it on the bathroom floor, next to my body.

whoever is reading this: tyler, mom, dad, i just want you to know that i love you.

it's not easy to explain why i did it. it's a number of reasons, but i was tired of lying. i was tired of faking like i was fine. like i was happy. the truth is, i haven't been happy in a long time.

don't worry about me though. i'm sure i am in a better place now. somewhere where i am not sad. somewhere where i'm not tired of living.

i'm sorry for doing this, but i didn't have a choice. i was exhausted of having to live and deal with myself. i didn't want to live anymore. i woke up wanting to die, and i fell asleep wishing that some way i wouldn't wake up tomorrow. i couldn't stand it anymore, the feeling of not wanting to be alive. of having nothing to look forward to.

mom, if you're reading this, i don't want you to feel bad. it wasn't your fault, but please treat tyler good, let him be his own person. let him do what i couldn't.

rafe, if you're reading this, then i want you to know that i forgive you. you know why. i know you might not love me right now, but i know that before all those drugs and before you went to college, what we had was real.

but we weren't meant to be, and we both know it. i love you, i will always love you, but not the way that i did once. i'm tired of pretending like i want to be in a relationship and that i want to keep on living when i don't.

please don't feel sorry, please don't cry for me. don't mourn me. i just want you all to be happy, and we all know that this place would be better off without me.

please know that this isn't your fault, and that i'm more happier now than i have been in a while.

i love you,
india.

the girl sighs, dropping the pencil and folding the note. she didn't bother to read it. she had written it so many times in her head that she already knew what it said like the back of her hand.

she'd do it tonight. she'd walk into her bathroom and not walk out.

she'd stop existing, just like that. she would get the exit that she had always wanted. the exit from the relationship that had made her feel empty for so long.

she'd finally be free.

she puts the note in her bag. she'd take it out later at night, and then that would be it.

she'd be dead.

what she didn't know was that she wouldn't actually go through with it. just as she was drowning, a boy that she had never met would swoop in and rescue her.

he would rescue her from all the bad things in her life. he would help her fill the void that she felt inside her. he would make her feel what true love really was.

she would finally get to experience what being loved felt like, what being happy actually felt like.

she didn't know it yet, but she would later find herself being grateful that she hadn't taken her life that night, because she had finally found a reason to live.

him.

her latibule.