Selene
WE HAD FINALLY ARRIVED IN EUROPE.
Paris, France to be exact. Funny. I was in the place considered to be the "city of love" and yet I wasn't even romantically associated to anyone. Claire's boyfriend had flew out, Camille came, and Mitch and Sarah had each other. I was happy for all of them. I truly was. I just had wished that I had someone like they did.
Someone who didn't treat me like a piece of shit. Someone who didn't wander in the back of my mind, haunting me 24/7.
I hadn't talked to anyone at all today which was on my part. It was now late and almost time for sound check. I grabbed my guitar, placing my fingers on the strings.
"Don't blame me for falling, I was just a little girl," I sung out. I was seventeen I first met him. It was at a local shop on campus. I shouldn't have trusted him. He was 21.
"You were a drunk caller, I wasn't ready for it all."
The drunk calling should've been the first flag. I was so oblivious. I didn't realize that I was always the second choice.
"I can't blame you, darling, not even a little bit, I was way. And you're just an arrogant son of a bitch who can't admit when he's sorry."
I still blamed myself for what happened. I should've listened to my dad when he told me not to y'all to upperclassmen. Nate should've been one of them. He should've been the one I avoided.
"Don't call me baby again, I got my reasons. I know that your trying to be friends, you don't really mean it. Don't call me baby again. It's hard for me to go home, to be so lonely," I broke down, placing the guitar down.
Nate is gonna find you again.
It's your fault.
These two sentences flooded my head as the tears streamed down her face. I hated being the thoughts that basically screamed at me. My breathing got heavier has I wrapped my arms around myself. I was having a panic attack and they're was nothing I could do to stop it. It felt like I was dying. Like someone was ripping my heart out with their bare hands. The door to my dressing room opened, Harry's face filling with concern. He walked in further, closing the door behind him.
"What's wrong?" he asked, moving his towards my face. I backed up, shaking my head.
"Please don't touch me," I let out, making him move back. His eyes were filled with worry as they trailed all over me. I hated being touched when I was having a panic attack. It felt constricting and made my breathing worse than it already was.
"Do you want me to stay here. Sit down by you?" Harry asked. I nodded. He slowly sat down, making sure he wasn't too close. My breathing eventually got better, the tears stopping. I sniffed a bit, burying my hands into my face.
"This is embarrassing," I muttered, a light laugh coming out. My eyes were probably red and puffy and I knew for a fact that my face was tinted with red. My hands were still shaking slightly.
"Anxiety?" Harry asked. I hesitantly nodded.
"I've been on antidepressants since I was sixteen. My dad wanted to wait with the medicine until he thought I matured."
"Are the side effects bad?" he questioned. I shook my head.
"It used to be but I eventually got used to it," I answered.
"When I was in the band. I use to have panic attacks a lot. There was a lot of pressure out on us at such a young age. It's not embarrassing to have them Selene. Was it because of stress?"
I was surprised that he was opening to me about his struggle with anxiety also. He didn't seem to be a person that opened up a lot.
"It wasn't. This one is kinda on me. I uh, I wrote a song about my ex and it triggered me more than I thought it would," I admitted.
"Will you be okay at the concert. I don't want to have you perform if you're not in the right mindset," he softly said. I shook my head. There was no way he was cancelling a concert over my panic attack. His fans would hate me.
"Harry. I'm fine. You're not cancelling anything because of me. Your fans waited a long time to see you and I wouldn't want to ruin that. I'll be fine."
On stage, Harry was a complete different person. He had become more confident in himself as the tour progressed. I remember how shaky he was at the very first concert. I was too so I didn't have much room to talk. I looked into the crowd, noticing a few girls recording me. I had started to grow use to it. I remember the first time I saw myself on twitter. It was surreal.
I gave a small smile to the girls and then looked back at the blue guitar that rested in my hands. Before I knew it, the song was over and Harry was speaking into the microphone.
"Alright... I have a joke," Harry said, waving his hand up and down to calm down the roaring crowd. They soon quieted down, Harry smiling into the mic.
"Did you know that the first french fries weren't cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece," Harry said, letting a breathy chuckle out. I let my hand fall down at his sad attempt at a joke. It was funny that it wasn't funny. Some of his fans thought it was hilarious though. Harry eyed me, his eyebrows furrowing.
"You didn't find my joke funny Selene?" he asked. I leaned into the mic.
"No Harry. And quite frankly, Mitch didn't find it funny either," I smiled, letting him know I was playing along with the joke. Harry looked at Mitch who's mouth was pressed into a thin line like usual.
Harry opened his mouth dramatically and placed his hand on his hip. "I get bullied by my own band," he muttered into the mic.
For the rest of the concert, he either glanced at me or playfully danced towards me. I knew it was his way of checking up on me and I was grateful for it. The concert eventually ended and I was now backstage packing up my stuff. The door swung open and I knew exactly who it was. Harry.
"I'm leaving for tonight. There should be an inner on the way for you. Are you okay?" he asked, watching as I swung the guitar case on my back.
"I'm fine Harry. You don't have to check up on me," I smiled as I grabbed my purse.
"Okay because-"
"Harry, with all do respect, get your ass out of the dressing room. You have your girlfriend waiting for you. I'll be fine. Now go have fun," I said as I pushed him out.
"See you tomorrow?"
"Yeah it's kinda my job."
