The Heiresses

Chapter 35 (A daughter's pain)

The Heiresses

Johaizza's P.O.V

I was damn feeling the coldness inside me. Like a shallow swamp in the midst of a cold season. It was that cold, and almost got to frozen. Having her here making me feel sorry and swallow. It never excite me at all. Being with her in the same place. Maybe it slowly faded years ago, and all I could feel was aches piercing me. Memories, sad memories. Cries. Emptiness.

I opened the door weakly and was about to go at the cozy wide bathroom when I saw my queen stood up from the small couch in the room I was occupying. Unalis kasi ako dahil sa gusto kong humupa ang panunubig ng mata ko. What happened earlier was too much too handle. I want a new scenery. I want to forget to dead bodies soaking with bloods. I went in a place where everythings feels alive. A park.

I blankly looked at her as she look at me, dangerously. Kung nasa teritoryo niya ako ngayon I would greet her and would be polite towards her, but I wasn't in her teritory so I had the guts, I thought I'd never have.

"Why did you ran away, Johaizza?!" Her voice thundered while her eyes were sharp as daggers willing to pierce me. I stayed silent. I just let her talk. I'm damn tired of everything!

"Answer me!" She commanded. I shook my head as tears starts to form at the side of my eyes. I looked up like it could stop these damn tears to fall. Slowly, I gaze at her with tears streaming in my cheeks.

"Because I'm sad? Empty? I was lonely?" I questioningly answered, and in a snap I felt my cheek heated with her palm slightly shaking.

"You're ungrateful! After what I did! After I delivered you in this world?! After I took care of you?! After how many years of making you alive this is what you'll give to me, in exchange?! " She bursted. I eyed her angrily with a smug smile on my face. I stared directly in her eyes.

"Really?! What did you do, by the way? Delivering me in this world? Well then, thank you!" I said with over-flowing emotions, pain, anger, sadness, and hatred!
"But to tell you, I'd never remembered you tooking care of me. And it's not you who made me alive, no one, but myself. I choose to live and breath despite of the bitterness, sadness, anger and hatred towards you because I know It'll be a shallow reason if i'll be interviewed at the paradiso. I choose to stay alive and breath knowing I couldn't leave you despite the fact the I hate you---" She cutted me off.

"But you still left me! Wala kang pinagkaiba sa ama mo! Iiwan at iiwan niyo rin ako!" She fired with blazing of anger and a mist of unshed tears in her eyes.

I shook my head.

"I don't want to but you've pushed me. You pressed all my buttons. Since no'ng iniwan tayo ni Daddy wala ka nalang ibang ginawa kundi sisihin at idiin ako sa pag-iwan niya sa'tin. Why built an invisible thick wall between us?! You put distance between us, it was you who then made a trench so as we go with our lives, we had drifted without noticing. You were busy grieving, crying, you let anger eaten your system, and have you see where it leads you? It leads you to be alone. It leads you to be forever alone, dahil kahit kailan ay 'di na ako babalik---!" I was cut off again when for a second time, she slapped me.

"It's because noong iwan tayo ng Daddy mo para rin akong nawala, Johaizza! I was grieving, crying 'cause that's all I could do. I am too weak when it comes to your father! I let my anger ate my system for me to take courage to stood up, to keep going, to live! Because if I didn't let it overpowers me I might cut my wrist or hung myself at the ceiling of our dark and sad room!" She shriek her words laced with pain and sadness. But it didn't even make my stance move a little against her. It didn't even made me think of giving her my sympathy.

"It was him who left us mom! It was him! But why did after all those years of him being gone, why did you put all the blame on my shoulder?! Kasalanan ko ba?! Kasalanan ko bang mas gusto niya 'yong isa?! You had lost your husband yet you still have lolo to comfort you at you darkest time! You have a father who'll tell you good words for you to calm while me?! I was damn devastated! I was lost in an unending path with nothing but darkness! Wala akong kaibigang aalo sa'kin, wala akong kapatid na yayakap sa'kin twing umiiyak ako, at wala akong ama na magsasabing magiging okay din ang lahat! It felt like I was at the edge of the cliff, with a hungry wild animal is tailing me, and all I could do is to jump and die in order to be safe, in order to be free. Ramdam na ramdam mo ang sakit ng maiwan ng asawa pero kailanman ay 'di mo naramdaman ang anak na iniwanan ng ama at binalewala ng Ina." I sorrowfully said while I feel those stung in my chest! Damnit! A tear fell down and roll into my cheek and I didn't bother wiping it. I just looked at her with mixed emotions while she's tracing the tear that fell into my cheek. I want to make her feel what I feel. The sadness, the hatred, anger, loneliness, and agony.

"You were so selfish, mom. I was there beside you even if how many times you did pushed me away. At my young age I tried to be genuis in order to cope up your paper loads for you not be be more stressed. I thinked maturely in order to understands every situatuions and scenario everyday! I did everything that might lessen your sadness at anger towards me. I tried to lessen it yet you didn't even notice it. I was there when you're crying even when I came from deadly practice with bruises, and body pain I still visit you when I get home. I asked yaya to guide and teach me cooking your favorite food para 'di ka na maging malungkot. At the age of 8 I trained myself to not be so affected with emotions, that I needed to be tough. I did everything I can to cheer you up, I did stay until I gave up and left. But I guess what I did isn't enough to make you notice my efforts, and I guess it will never matter to you." I said. She gulped.

"Please leave my room, my queen. It's been a long day for the both of us and I'll be going to school tomorrow. I need to rest." I weakly added after a long minute of silence. I motioned her the door but she didn't move an inch. I sighed. "I'm tired." I tiredly said, while I feel my eyes gonna fell, I'm totally drained, emotionally and physically. I tried to make her see that tiredness in my eyes but I didn't know she's now numb, unable to feel. Tsk! I don't want to argue with her so I did left her in my occupied room. I shut it loudly, and unaware of jumping tears out of my eyes. I closed my eyes tightly that made me unnotice the eyes that were staring at me confusely and worriedly.

As I opened my eyes I gulp in the sight of them. Reign, Hazmaein, and Blaizzane were infront of their doors, maybe they came inside that was about to go somewhere where there's me and with the loud shut of the door made them stopped.

"You okay?" And for the first time, emotions overwhelmed my system. I bursted in tears as they were still eyeing me. Because for the first time, there were someone asked me if I am okay.

I was never been okay, but sometimes it's better not to be okay, to be somewhat, feels okay even by just pretending.

---

princesayannahh