The Transfer ✔️

Chapter Thirty-Five - Uncontrollable

Three days of numbness goes quicker than I expect it to. Three days of questions, doubts and, shamefully, tears. Every time I thought of his face twisted in anguish my heart squeezed painfully in my chest. It seemed to be the only feeling that could get through my wall blocking any feeling.

The first day I cried. I didn't even make it to Defense until after lunch. I couldn't find it in myself to move and the thought of bustling crowds with people needing my attention made me want to lock the door and keep everyone out. Strangely, crying helped and hurt at the same time. My eyes puffed, my nose red. My skin felt raw, scrapped down to the bone like Leonardo was my protection and without him I had no repellant against the severity of the situation we're in.

Due to this severity, I had no choice but to drag myself out of bed. Put myself back together again so I looked respectable to those in camp – even if I was mismatched and crumbling in the inside. I think it was the first time I have ever wished I could have the day off. There's been periods where I've been tired or unmotivated but this was a deep, aching longing to never push my boundaries again. To stay in the room where it's safe. Stay in the room where everyone isn't watching you.

I know the camp suspected something between Leonardo and I, especially recently as he became more and more affectionate. But, since neither of us had confirmed it, people in camp didn't seem to give me more attention than I would usually get. I was slightly surprised Leonardo didn't announce it to camp just to get a reaction out of me. Wondering if he would do it, I was sidetracked from my questions when I spotted him sitting with Isaac at the other side of the canteen.

I looked a second too long on the second day. As if he could feel my gaze, Leonardo turned to the side to make direct eye-contact with me. His blue-eyes were a ragged blade on my vulnerable body. I stood holding my tray by the table, unable to sit down. I couldn't distinguish his eyes from such a distance but I prayed they were as pained as mine. I wondered about that instead of an announcement as I caught my breath when I finally sat down at the table.

Day three I was back to moping. Depressing, but I was managing to move my body. Turned up at Defense on time and trained the whole day. I almost broke when Matt asked if Leonardo had finished the plans for a building but after a shake of my head, Matt seemed to understand that Leonardo was a topic I was not keen to discuss.

People shot me concerned looks all day as I let knifes fly without hesitation and took my anger out on the punching bag without a rhythm. I was so angry. How could he do this? How could I do this? Were we always doomed? Maybe Ruby was right, maybe the brutality of the camp was so strong that no relationship could overcome it. But, for a fleeting moment, I believed we were overcoming it. Soaring over expectations. The memories that flooded me made me sit on a mat and press my head to my knees to slow both my heart and my head.

Day four blooms with the same darkness that has overcrowded my body for the first three. Rolling over in bed, I grimace when I notice Evelyn's is empty. Her and Robert are official. She even announced it to the Food sector on Tuesday apparently, making sure that everyone was on the same page. Ever since then she's been escaping our room to go and stay in Roberts. He has a roommate who's rarely there – staying with his girlfriend – so the situation worked out perfectly for them.

As I think about how envious I am of them, their stupidity of love, they walk into the room with their hands linked. I sit up in bed and stretch my arms, sending them a tired smile.

"Get much sleep?" Evelyn questions, uncapable of hiding her maternal instincts. They balance well against her constant sarcasm.

I shrug. "Not much."

She frowns and sits down on her bed. Robert follows with grace, keeping ahold of her hand. He wears a similar frown which almost makes me smile. Despite only publicly dating for a couple of days, Robert's proven that he's not messing around this time. It's a fact I'm sure makes Evelyn happy based off how much she beams when I ask about him. Gone are the scoffs and growls in frustration, now replaced with giggles and splitting smiles. Sometimes I miss the cynicism, it kept my sane.