Hard to Love (Bucky Barnes fanfic)

Chapter 22

*** This chapter will take place in Buckys POV ***

The grenade landed in the rubble between us and I could see the fear in her eyes as she realized what was about to happen. My face mimicked hers

This can't be happening. Not to her... please not Amelia. I'm supposed to protect her. She's my mission partner and... the love of my life. I- I need to get to her! Fuck why won't my feet move?!

My body felt like I was running full speed but, I wasn't moving. The gap between never budging. Steve and I couldn't seem to get closer to her, it was as if we were running through two feet of thick honey. As I looked up from my feet, I noticed Amelia's expression had quickly changed to one of pure anger, her cheeks stained from tears

"How could you let this happen to me Buck?! I'm dead because of YOU!" She screamed, face turning red as flames seemed to flick behind her irises and her skin turned a ghostly white

Then the shell went off

I gasp, sitting up straight in bed and clutching my chest. Beads of sweat coat my forehead and I'm choking for air

Another nightmare. This one more tame than the others...

It's been four months since that mission. Four full months of never ending nightmares and exhaustion

I rub my eyes as the memory of that day replays in my mind for the billionth time. The grenade going off and Amelia looking terrified for her life. Using the little energy she had left to shield and protect Steve and I. She must've gotten knocked out from the blast because all her shields dropped immediately after the bomb exploded causing the building to come down on us

Since that day, SHIELD and the team have been scouring the earth for her. We lifted every stone and pebble of the half fallen building multiple times hoping to find her. Or any trace of her. The only thing we found was a small torn piece of the dress she was wearing that night and her crushed fake pearl necklace. Tony and Bruce analyzed it for fingerprints, DNA and any salvageable footage but didn't find any besides hers. The necklace was too far damaged to get anything

I couldn't help but feel the familiar guilt and dread wash over me again. I wish I would've just listened to her orders of helping the civilians. Maybe I could've saved her in time. Maybe the grenade wouldn't have separated us. Maybe she'd still be here with me- with us- if I hadn't let my emotions get in the way

Stark was right. Dating within the team was a bad idea. But that didn't stop us. It should've, but it didn't. And now I'm paying the ultimate price. I just couldn't keep my feelings for her bottled up. I don't remember ever feeling this strongly for someone before and it was... wondrous? Intoxicating? Euphoric? I don't know the exact word really. She made me feel alive again. Like I was the man before my 'accident'. She made me want to get out of bed every morning. It was like I had a new purpose. She's affected my life so much in such a short amount of time and I don't know if I'll ever get that chance again

And yeah, we weren't technically dating. But we were... something

Since those events I've gone on every assignment and stakeout I possibly could in hopes to find her but always came up short. Everyone told me to take it easy, they're doing everything they can to find her but I... I couldn't. I felt like I needed to be on those missions in the chance she turns up. It's my fault she's gone in the first place. I've hardly been able to eat or sleep and it's worrying others, even Tony's noticed so you know it's bad. Steve's obviously the most concerned right now though...

"Buck, get some rest. I'll take this one."

"No... no I need to find her Steve I-" my voice cracks as I rip my eyes away from him. Tears threatening to form. He clasps his hand on my shoulder giving me a gentle shake. He knew of everything that happened between us and how important finding her was to not only me, but to the team