Addicted

Chapter 53.

Dear Sara,

I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

I'm writing this letter without any intention of hurting you, only to tell you about how I am feeling and what has happened. You are my oldest friend and have been with me for my whole life and I want to thank you for that. Thank you for being with me for so long, despite the way I was treating you. I know that I have fucked with you and your feelings and I know that I do not deserve you and that we do not belong together. So, with this is mind, I ask you - beg you- to please forgive me. I think we both know that we didn't belong together, that maybe we were only together because of how close we were growing up; that even though there wasn't that strong of feelings, we still drifted towards each other because we had to. I'm not saying that I don't love you, because I do. I do love you, I promise, but not in the way you wish I did. I love you like an old family friend, because that is what you are and I'm sorry it is nothing more than that. I know it sounds fucked up, but I want to be nothing but honest with you. I'm hoping one day that I would be able to tell her too, but for now I needto tell you, to justify everything that I have done to you, I suppose. I'm not so sure.

I want to be honest with you about her. Honest to you about how much I love Alison.

Now, I want to tell you a little about her. Please don't think I'm rubbing this in your face. I just need to tell someone- to tell you, my eldest friend- how much I love her. I didn't mean to fall this helplessly in love with her, but I did. The first time she stepped into my house, she was laughing with Emmett and it was like someone hit me with a truck. All I've wanted to do since was make her laugh, only to hear it over and over again.

If you want to stop reading this, then I will advise you to do that now. I need to get this out of my head. I want to tell you everything that I know about her and how I was feeling since the beginning.

I think there was a part of me that loved her since I met her. I know how crazy that sounds. The novels and movies always show love at first sight and I never believed it. How could a person be so stupid to think they fell in love with someone after just meeting them? But here I was, wanting to spend as much time as I could with her. It was like something clicked inside of me when I saw her. There was this instant attraction, and as cheesy as it sounds, I felt as if I was home. There was something inside of me that clicked in place and I knew I was meant to be with her.

Again, I advise you to stop reading now if you don't want to hear this.

I tried to stay away from her, if not for her sake then for yours. I initially wanted to work things out with you. I thought we could fix what we had or maybe our feelings for each other would grow into a different kind of love, but that wasn't the case, unfortunately. I really did try and stay away from her, but she was so enticing. Her smile was dazzling, and it would always light up her whole face. I knew she was trying to know me, trying to get closer to me, but I still tried to push her away. She asked me once what my favourite colour was and I told her green, but then I looked at her and the low sunset was peeking into the house and hit her eyes in a way that made them glow a burnt gold and I knew that became my favourite colour. I hated myself for thinking like this. Changing my favourite colour, based on her.

I tried convincing myself that she was nothing special, that she was just like everyone else, but she wasn't. every bit about her was beautiful. Her skin, eyes, mouth, nose, face. All of it was beautiful and I knew I wanted it all.

Every time we talked, I felt instantly lighter and she would always make me laugh. She was so surprisingly funny and incredibly kind. At this point I already knew her only a couple of days but already I could see she put others first and this... frustrated me.