insouciant || ON HIATUS

ℂℍ𝔸ℙ𝕋𝔼ℝ 𝟙𝟛

The night they came back from day one of nationals, Mamoru found himself at the park. It was dimly lit and there was no one there, much to his relief.

Claire was a little reluctant to let him go by himself at night, but something convinced her to let him go. Perhaps it was the listless look in his eyes she was so scared of.

She felt like Mamoru was slipping through her fingers and she didn't know how to help him.

He sat down under a tree and slipped his hand into his jacket pocket. The cool metal of his ipod reassured him, a little object of comfort. Mamoru placed his earbuds in his ear and clicked play.

Anything.

He wanted anything to play.

Just something to drown out his thoughts, to force away the spiraling bleak thoughts that threatened to choke him.

Thought I found a way

Thought I found a way, out (found)

But you never go away (never go away)

So I guess I gotta stay now

He was grateful for Claire for downloading English songs. It gave him a sense of his native country even though didn't have the best memory of it.

Japan was a beautiful country, but sometimes, he wished he was back in America, attending an American school where the people spoke mostly English.

He hummed along with the song, feeling whimsical. It was a soothing sound, he couldn't help it. Mamoru turned the volume just a little louder.

Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near

Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear

If he and Maiko had stayed in America, would they have turned out different? Would he prefer being back in America, where he was torn apart by the acidic words of his own parents? Would he prefer that over an alien country that treated him better than his first 11 years of life?

Isn't it lovely, all alone?

Heart made of glass, my mind of stone

Tear me to pieces, skin to bone

Hello, welcome home

Just for fun, just to test his limits, Mamoru sang the next passage quietly, feeling a little kinship with the words.

Walkin' out of town

Lookin' for a better place (lookin' for a better place)

Something's on my mind (mind)

Always in my head space

He liked the way he could shape the solemn words with his own mouth. There was a steady vibration that he could get lost in so he closed his eyes for a better visual.

But I know someday I'll make it out of here

Even if it takes all night or a hundred years

Need a place to hide, but I can't find one near

Wanna feel alive, outside I can't fight my fear

Would he make it out of here, this dark corner? There was a growing feeling of trepidation in his chest. It settled in his chest like a heavy stone, impossible to ignore and always on his mind.

It wasn't unfamiliar, the feeling of apprehension. Mamoru felt the same in America with his parents.

But the difference between here and there was he already knew where the terrible feeling was coming from. Over here, he wasn't sure if it was coming from Kuroko or Aomine or anywhere else. There were too many variables.